Rebound relationship. Band-aid relationship. A relationship we start soon after our previous relationship has ended. Band-aid relationship may sound a bit derogatory as a term but the name also has some truth in it. This blog post is about rebound relationships. In other words, relationships that we embark on soon after our previous relationship has ended or even before the break up is final. Can a rebound relationship work? If you want to improve the chances of a band-aid relationship becoming a lasting one, what should you do?
We start rebound relationships because we crave for intimacy.
The need for intimacy and willingness to start a new relationship on rebound are completely normal reactions to a break up.
The longer your previous relationship has teetered on its last legs, the more deprived of affection, sex and attention you have probably been.
The decision to break up from your partner probably took a long time to reach. So it is highly likely that you have been wanting more intimacy for some time.
Once the break up finally happens, it is only natural to want to enjoy some closeness again in your life.
Rebound relationship as a confidence booster.
Your motivation for a rebound relationship might not be your need for affection and intimacy. But to test your “market worth” on the dating scene. Your relationship is probably based on questionable motives and is unlikely to last. If you feel so deeply wounded that you need someone else to put a band-aid on it and to hold your hand through the storm you risk being too clingy. Which is not a good start for the relationship. With the possible exception that you are both a bit low in confidence and desperate to feel needed…
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As species, people are herd animals and we have a natural need to feel we belong. We want to be heard, seen and accepted the way we are. It is perfectly OK to want attention. It is normal. But if your attention seeking and need for security becomes an obsession, the rebound relationship will only prevent either partner from growing.
Clinging to a person may initially make you feel safe and uninhibited passion is addictive. However, you should hear alarm bells if your main driver in looking for love is to pump up your low self-esteem. To feel that buzz of a new relationship.
Rebound relationships give us new energy.
An unhealthy relationship can eat up all your energy. When you come out of an old relationship that has depleted you, you may feel like you have nothing left to give. You are exhausted. The natural reaction is to look for new, positive energy from somewhere. However, happiness and love can be found in many shapes and forms – not just rebound relationships.
Of course, a new relationship soon after breaking up can boost your energy levels. But remember that you should never make a person or a relationship the only thing that makes you tick.
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Be in the driving seat of your own life. And use your own emotions, thoughts and initiative as the only high octane fuel you need. The newly found energy is created in your brain – not your partner. If the outcome of your previous relationship was that you found yourself spiritually or sexually lonely, are you going to repeat history by again by clinging onto to someone else as your life force?
A new relationship after breaking up can be tempting. It is such a fool-proof way of finding new zeal in your life and take away the pain. Passions burn between you and your new partner and your eyes shine with love as soon as you catch a glimpse of each other. Nothing feels better than that. That tinkling feeling in your stomach, your head in the clouds. Pure ecstasy and perfectly legal! But please be sure you don’t lose yourself in that tornado of emotions.
Choose your company wisely, not just for fleeting excitement. Unless fleeting excitement is exactly what you want. That, too, is acceptable and can be very nice. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that refreshing casual sex necessarily turns into anything more than a disposable band-aid. It probably won’t.
Start a new relationship only once you are absolutely certain that your break up is final.
Many people think that simply having raised the topic of possibly considering breaking up means that they and their partner have decided to do so. Too many people procrastinate that discussion until it is too late. And once you have reached that point, it is natural to feel that that’s it, job done, and you are already ready for a new relationship.
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But as with any conversation, you don’t know what the other person is going to say and bring to the table. Maybe something you had not thought about. Sometimes you may change your mind about breaking up. Maybe you have an eye-opening discussion with a good friend, for example. This is why there is a high chance that you will change your mind even after you have already told your partner that you are considering breaking up.
If at that point, you have already started another relationship and your lover is expecting you to leave your partner for them you are putting yourself in a unnecessarily difficult situation. You may think you want to leave your current partner and your lover also wants you to go through with the plan. However, you can’t know what you ultimately decide until you have had that conversation with your partner.
Most couples toy with the idea of breaking up at some point of their relationship. The fact that you think about breaking up or what life would be like without your partner, does not mean that you will choose to go through with it. What feels good and right at one point does not necessarily do so after a while.
Therefore, it is best to reach full closure in your previous relationship before embarking on a new one.
Many rebound relationships start prematurely.
Falling in love is wonderful! That’s why it can happen so easily. Your heart is beating like mad for this new, wonderful person. Wherever they go you will happily follow! We are hard-wired to latch onto pleasurable feelings and being in love is one of the best. But falling in love may take us to a someone else’s bed before it would be wise and we may start a new relationship before we have ended the previous one.
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Falling in love makes us slightly crazy. Unless you are completely free from your previous relationship, for real, you should not be making long-term decisions in that state of mind. If your old relationship is simply boring or unhappy, it does not mean you can’t breathe new life into it. And even if you don’t believe your relationship is beyond resurrecting, it is still best to bring it to a proper close before embarking on a rebound relationship. The reason for this is not just that you would be acting morally towards your soon-to-be-ex. You will also be giving your next relationship a better chance of succeeding.
Falling in love is one way of feeling better about ourselves. However, don’t look for a new spring in your step from another person. When love is born within yourself the joy and lightness can also be found within you. You will see that you can hold yourself up, all by yourself, and feel better without turning your expectations towards external attractions.
Take ownership of and learn from your mistakes before starting a new relationship – unless you want to end up equally unhappy.
If you have not ended your previous relationship and really understood what went wrong, there is a high chance you will only repeat the same mistakes. That your previous relationship was boring or unhappy was not your partner’s fault alone. It takes two to tango: you were part of creating, developing and maintaining that relationship just as much as your partner.
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If you refuse to see how you contributed to your relationship, it is the first sign that you should not be starting your next one with the same mentality.
If you were usually the bystander to your relationship or you lived on your partner’s terms leading to a boring and unhappy life, you really need to wake up. Otherwise you risk ending up in a similar role, being controlled by your partner and depending on your partner for your dreams to come true. At some point, you will find you are unhappy again.
Being alone after breaking up is helpful particularly if you are trying to understand what makes you happy. Don’t outsource your happiness to anyone else but you. Make sure you know what really makes you tick. The bliss we experience at times of heady infatuation cannot last forever. That is simply a fact. You know it, and don’t fool yourself for a second that you don’t.
Think what kind of life you want to live. Only then are you ready to explore the world and its billions of people to see if you can find a person to share your interests and dreams with.
All you Good Girls and Mr. Nice Guys: forget about rebound relationships.
If you have the tendency to be a people pleaser and the flexible one in a relationship, give yourself time after ending a relationship to find yourself first. Being too nice will hurt everyone in the end. Don’t go out of your way to please someone just so you have someone to lead the way.
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When you know yourself and what turns you on, you will no longer tolerate anything less.
You don’t need to, because you know you can be perfectly happy on your own and surrounded by friends.
Be open about your intentions on dating apps.
Being on a rebound is as such no reason to stay celibate and without the closeness of another person. All dating apps have plenty of members who are after just some Netflix and chill. Sex, pure and simple.
Be honest about looking for casual sex, a more permanent fuckbuddy or a “friend with benefits”, whatever you want to call it. It is perfectly OK to say so openly on a dating app. People will appreciate honesty and openness.
If you pretend to be looking for a relationship when you really only want casual company, you are only putting yourself down while wasting other people’s time and hurting them. Be honest about what you are looking for. Ask only those who you really want to meet to chat some more.
If you don’t want a committed relationship, why burden yourself with people who are under the impression that you do and act accordingly? Why lie and then ghost them? Why feel guilty for being a fake and a liar?
If you are comfortable with yourself, you know how to act morally. Be who you are and look for company that you really want.
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It is OK to want “just sex”. It’s totally fine. But don’t lead anyone on to think that you want something more. This will only bring you trouble and sadness. Bad karma, if you like, because you get as good as you give. Treat others with positive intent and honesty, if that is how you want be treated in return.
Whether you are after a good relationship or “just sex”, just say it!
What if nobody else will want me after we break up?
I have discussed life after break up at length in my 374-page book (R)evolution for Love, which you can order here. The book also deals with one common fear: if I leave my partner, will I ever find anyone else?
Many newly divorced have tested their market worth on the dating scene. But don’t drain yourself. There are plenty of other ways of boosting your confidence and feeling better than counting how many people you have dated or bedded. It is not a measure of anything. Dating can become a chore and you don’t always end up in bed with the next love of your life. Apparent success on the dating market is not a measure of your value as a human being and sexual prowess with strangers is in no correlation with your self-esteem.
By all means, enjoy casual sex. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, don’t slip between the sheets with someone just because you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin.
When is a rebound relationship worth it?
In some relationships, breaking up has been seriously discussed for years, and some couples have decided, for example, to stay together until the first birthday of their child and then amicably part ways. We all have our mental mileposts and we tend to live by them. Some couples will get divorced some day but for some reason have decide to only separate for the time being. When the divorce is eventually final, the couple may have been separated mentally, sexually and socially for years.
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In this situation, it is likely that both partners have processed the break up and have had their internal discussions about what went wrong and moved on, even if they were legally still married. A new relationship immediately after final divorce is in this case perfectly natural.
Similarly, if a person has mentally left their partner and the couple has had no sex for years, it may be that the partners have grown completely apart years ago. Some wait for the children to fly the nest before suggesting divorce to their, say, abusive partner, with whom they stayed thinking they were protecting the children. If, at the same time, they go to therapy and work through their trauma caused by a mentally or physically abusive relationship, it may be that once the divorce is done and dusted, they are quite ready for a new, happy relationship.
Other people’s experiences can’t predict how your new relationship will turn out.
Like everything in life, break ups don’t come in “one size fits all”. Don’t look into other people’s successes or failures to determine what is best for you. Only you know your history and what your relationship was like for you. Not even your partner who was also in that relationship. So don’t think that someone else’s example can tell you what a good break up for you means or when it is “acceptable” or “sensible” to start a new relationship.
It may be a cliché but you only need to learn one thing: learn to know yourself, truly, deeply and you will connect with your intuition and your unconscious mind. As a reward, the day will come when you know you are over your break up and ready for a new relationship.
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Give yourself time and show sensitivity most importantly towards yourself. Teach yourself new mental and stress management skills with a range of techniques. The foundation that your new love relationship will stand on is made of your feelings about yourself. Nobody can hand you a dream relationship or perfect love like a nugget of gold. Only you can find it within yourself. It is your prerogative and responsibility to decide when your old relationship is over and a new relationship can begin.
Breaking up is a major upheaval even if you have planned it for years.
After breaking up comes the shock. Give yourself time to be angry and sad, to cry and feel bitter. Don’t deny yourself any of those feelings. Welcome them all, as they are a natural part of going through a change.
And even though you have already, in theory, processed your break up shock while still together with your ex, your life will really change only once you actually separate. Even if you feel happy about the decision, your brain will still handle the change as a stress.
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Perhaps you have been dreaming of your own home free from your annoying partner for ages. Yet, moving out on your own can feel surprisingly sad and bitter. Perhaps you hate being the one to leave the dream home you helped build. Or maybe you hated that house and can’t wait to leave, but moving house, booking a removal van and packing up all your stuff is still a pain and leaves you shattered.
Even if you have people to take care of everything and don’t have to lift a finger to organise the practicalities and the moving out day is a walk in a park, for your brain, a change is still a change. So look after yourself and make sure you don’t let the stress become too overwhelming. That’s why embarking on a new relationship on top of everything at that moment in time is not the best idea.
Your past will follow you unless you let it go.
When dealing with your break up and problems with your ex, you are likely to resort to the same problem-solving methods as you do in all situations. We have adopted most of our behaviours in childhood, and when we are stressed, the old habits tend to take over. Breaking up is one such stress.
If you think that you can break up and just waltz into your next phase in life without having to cope with the change, you are missing out on an excellent opportunity to learn new strategies.
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Pain drives us to change and change drives us to grow. If you deny yourself the pain and learning opportunities that changes such as breaking up offer, your coping mechanisms will remain those of a child.
These coping mechanisms or models are sometimes referred to as schemas or frameworks. Whatever we call them, we are really talking about restrictive beliefs. Schema therapy among many other therapies focus on unravelling restrictive beliefs and behavioural patterns.
If you settle for self-therapy only on the cognitive and conscious level, you may not find the underlying cause of your schemas. 95% of our behaviour, including the choices we make when breaking up and starting a new relationship, are based on our subconscious and unconscious mind. Hypnosis offers a key to the deeper levels of your mind. Hypnotherapy is the most effective way of breaking down schemas, or emotional and thought patterns, and changing them in a sustainable manner.
Why would you need a new relationship after breaking up?
If your reason for a rebound relationship is, like a band-aid, to patch up the emptiness left by your ex or to lift you up, it is best to keep your expectations of that new relationship low. Before you start a relationship with anyone new, think carefully why you need a new relationship so soon after breaking up.
We are often afraid of being alone because we have not learnt to enjoy our own company. It is a skill you can – and should – practice even in a relationship. You are giving your partner space to breathe freely if you don’t count on them to alleviate your loneliness. Let them live freely and be by themselves or with their own friends, and they will enjoy your company even more. Similarly: learn to be happy in your own company. This will make the time you spend with another person even better.
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Think of all the new things that will inspire you both as you both walk freely out in the world as your own persons. A close and deep bond between a couple does not mean that you should do everything together. Being on your own and missing your partner is a wonderful fuel that ignites a rich relationship.
What do you want from your new partner?
If you place your new partner in a role in which they can never succeed, you are not only abusing yourself but also that new, innocent person you brought into your life. Your new partner should not have to witness your arguments with your ex and to be the shoulder you cry on about your past relationships. A new relationship and the energy that a new love brings may be the push you need to properly let go of your ex and to heal your wounds. However, be careful not to use other people as a crutch. Your processes must stay your processes. They can’t happen at the expense of your new partner.
If your relationship with your ex is quite neutral and they don’t fill your thoughts and you no longer focus on them, you are ready for a new relationship. A new relationship after breaking up is like a hefty dose of energy and enthusiasm – that’s the nature of love, after all! Make it your priority to keep your old problems yours and consciously work on changing any unhelpful behaviours. And do that before you start building a new relationship on those old habits.
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A romantic relationship is not a therapy relationship. See a qualified coach who can help you process your pain and walk you through it while gently challenging you when necessary. Growth never happens in your comfort zone. However, if all you need is comforting and consoling, don’t push yourself too much. A professional coach listens to you and hears your implicit messages as well. Also is able to sense and define where you comfort zone begins and ends. They know how to ask the right questions at the right time and give you the strength to look for the right answers from within you.
Say thank you to your past and let your new relationship start from a clean slate.
Many of those whose relationship breaks down feel guilty about their decision to leave or, alternatively, about being the one who got dumped. After all, you both played a role in the break up. How could you be the best possible partner in your new relationship if you keep beating yourself up or panicking about making the same mistakes?
When letting go of the past, let yourself feel the anger and pain but then also give yourself permission to be grateful for the past. If you don’t feel like thanking your ex in so many words, do say thank you to them and yourself at least quietly to yourself. Mental exercises are one way of talking through the old issues and make peace with your ex even if you can’t or won’t see them anymore. Your ex may have done unacceptable things. But forgive them anyway. Most of all, forgive yourself. A hypnotherapist can help you with that.
Gratitude and forgiveness help you let go of your ex and your guilt.
Only once you are free from the old are you free to welcome the new. Let forgiveness and gratitude cleanse your mind. Then you can start a new relationship from a clean slate.
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When you know what you want to be grateful for in the future and what you want to enjoy in your new relationship, you are ready to express your needs and hopes to your new partner. They can’t read your mind or know in advance what type of things you value or enjoy. It is your job to find out what they are and open your innermost feelings to them. Give your relationship a chance to succeed.
But what if you end up having several relationships instead of one life-long relationship?
The less pressure and expectations you place on your new relationship after breaking up from an old one, the more chances it has to succeed. If you expect your new partner to be the man or woman of your dreams, they won’t be able to fill that role for long. Allow them to be who they are and change as a person in the years to come. You’ll have what it takes to build a lasting companionship.
One way of living happily ever after is to allow yourself to be happy in a series of good relationships throughout your life. The quantity of relationships can’t make up for the quality of relationships. And the length of a relationship is no measure of how happy the relationship is. Can you let yourself imagine a life that is full love and happy companionship even if your partner changes along the way? In how many ways can you allow yourself to be happy? How about others?
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If you don’t expect anyone to make you happy, you stand a much better chance of having plenty of things in your life that bring you joy. And even if “that one” relationship that lasts a lifetime is what you really want. Just for the sake of argument, allow yourself even to contemplate the possibility of at some point loving someone else.
The point is that the less pressure you place on your new relationship, the easier it is for the relationship to rise to new heights.
Should you wait to have a new family?
Your new relationship is going really well. You are head over heels in love and feel this is “the one”. This is the time to keep calm and think rationally. Many newly loved up couples in a rebound relationship feel a strong urge to seal the love with a new baby. Is it the right thing to do? For more on this topic, read my blog post on the different stages of being in love and what happens in our brain during each of them.
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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