Sex and a good relationship are considered almost synonymous in our culture – no sex = not a good relationship. Lots of sex = a good relationship. But what is good sex?
Are you of the age group whose sex education limited to the health education classes at school where you were shown how to put a condom on a banana and “by the way here’s a list of STDs for you to read on your own.” Or did you used to devour the articles in Cosmopolitan teachings things like “put pepper under your partner’s nose just before they climax”? If yes, chances are that what is stopping you from fully enjoying your sex life are certain common but false beliefs.
This blog will help you update your knowledge and set a couple of misconceptions straight.
We will also be discussing what good sex means. The claims I’ll be talking about in this blog also include:
- A relationship must involve sex.
- Men are always thinking about sex.
- Women find it hard to orgasm.
- In a good relationship there is sex twice a week.
I will also share my views of the classic instruction to a lack of libido: Just do it and you’ll start feeling like it. Once you have finished reading this article, you will also know:
- why we don’t always feel like having sex
- why the word ‘foreplay’ should be banned
- what is normal in sex and what isn’t.
- does sex end when the man climaxes?
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"Put pepper under your man’s nose just when they are about to climax!"
Thinking back to my school days and our health education class. Guess which presentation topic I was given … sexually transmitted diseases! So there I stood, in front of the class, delivering my mumbled presentation about the diseases, aided by informative slides on the overhead projector. I suspect this was just my teacher’s ploy to get off the hook.
Apparently, at today’s schools, bananas are no longer used and in addition to condoms, oral protection and the female anatomy including the clitoris are introduced. I’ve also heard that students and teachers are no longer that embarrassed around the subject. Unfortunately these welcome improvements in our school education come too late for us who went to school in the previous millennium. And practice doesn’t always make us perfect.
(The logic in the pepper trick by the way is that sneezing is supposed to intensify the orgasm. How well this would go down in practice, I’m not quite sure…)
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Should you have regular intercourse twice a week?
According to researchers, couples typically have sexual intercourse maybe once a week. However, researchers have also announced that those who feel happy in their relationship, make love twice a week or more.
But how do we know that those who are having sex twice a week are happy?
Is a relationship happier if the couple has unsatisfying sex twice a week than if they had satisfying sex once a week?
People in western cultures are having less sex
The amount of sex that married people have has declined in the past couple of decades. The biggest drop has taken place among the 30–40-year-olds. Numerous studies have been conducted in different countries, and in general, this trend seems to be prevailing across Europe and the US.
A typical amount of sex is once a week. The same surveys also reveal that people would like to have more sex. So here’s the point: There is a clear disconnect between how much sex people want and how much sex they actually have.
Why is this? Let’s take a look.
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Focus on penetrative sex
In most cases, people still think that sex means penile-vaginal intercourse, in which the penis goes into the vagina. This definition of sex is completely at odds with the reality out there, with all the different genders, sexual orientations and diversity.
So what qualifies as sex? Sex is to each individual what they personally find sexually arousing and interesting, alone or with another person. This definition already reveals the right answer to the question “What is good sex?” (Hint: forget statistics and numbers!)
The best part of making love is not always the penetration
Especially for women. Vagina has only few nerve endings, and the biggest source of pleasure for women comes from the stimulation of the clitoris. Contrary to the common assumption, the clitoris is not automatically stimulated in penetrative sex. We’ll get back to the details later.
However, it is very common, especially in longer heterosexual relationships, that over time, the sex becomes very penetration focused.
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Foreplay, after-play, dry humping – and actual good sex
As a word, foreplay is self-explanatory: it is the appetizer before the main course: the intercourse. Why is foreplay, after-play, dry humping or any other non-penetrative sex considered a lesser form of sex than penile-vaginal penetration?
The mystery of female orgasm never seems to be resolved despite decades of study and discussion: why is it so difficult for women to have an orgasm? This is a problem entirely created by our penetration-centres culture. And the logic does make certain sense: Since sex is the same thing as penetration, and women are seldom able to reach an orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse, it would appear that there is a difficulty.
Why is penile-vaginal penetration still at the top of sex hierarchy?
Having children is naturally one reason that speaks for the necessity of penetration. However, in our culture, male satisfaction has also been considered far more important than women’s pleasure. There are two facts that bear out this bias: 1. The anatomy of clitoris was not fully understood until in 1998 (and many adults still don’t know what clitoris looks like). 2. Sex usually ends with the male orgasm.
In her hilarious book Fruit of Knowledge (2018), the Swedish comic artist Liv Strömquist turned the entire scenario upside down:
“Society could just as easily have decided that the entire heterosexual act revolved around the clitoris - and everything that took place before or after was "foreplay" or "afterplay".
Liv Strömquist, Fruit of Knowledge
How does that sound to you? 🙂
Social structures are slow to change but there’s no time like the present to start questioning one’s own outdated beliefs about good sex. It is never too late to have a good sex life! And I am not talking to women only – busting myths and removing restrictive norms is a win-win for all. If you want to know why, keep reading!
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Sexual norms guide how we understand sex – and make saying no very difficult
I would argue that the newspaper and magazine headlines about happy couples having sex once a week and linking sex with happiness overall are myths that prevent us from having good sex, and not good advice helping us have better sex.
Sexual norms define what a normal sex life and good sex look like. These norms are anchored into wider social values. They are perpetuated and reinforced by the media as well as official statistics and academic studies. The prevailing sexual norms dictate that a sexless relationship is an unhappy one, while in a happy relationship, the couple has sex approximately twice a week. Once you have internalised this thinking, saying no to sex becomes very difficult. And puts everyone under pressure.
Why would anyone deliberately make their relationship worse?
Based on studies, women, in particular, tend to agree to having sex even when they don’t feel like it. Have you ever had sex but only reluctantly because it is “part of being in a relationship”?
Pretty much everything under the sun has probably at some point been offered as advice for a lack of libido. One common suggestion is just to “get down to it”, even when you don’t want to. Researchers assure us that often the desire can be reignited once you get going.
Just do it! – and 15 other ill-advised sex tips for women
One advice frequently offered as solution to the problem of sexless relationships is to have scheduled sex. “You don’t always have to want it. You can just decide to have sex.”
But what if “just doing it” doesn’t work?
My generation of women were still brought up according to such rules as one shouldn’t “flirt without intent”. That if you allow yourself to flirt, you have the duty to go all the way so as not to disappoint the man – or to put yourself in danger. As we can see, “just doing it” is not all that simple.
Another persistent myth is that by having a good, regular sex life, you can stop your partner from cheating. The logic is that a man will get what they want somewhere else if they don’t get it at home!
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One popular columnist once argued in favour of reluctant sex by comparing it to working and eating:
We all do things even if we don’t feel like it, we go to work and eat yesterday’s leftovers.
This argument is to me a (sadly) accurate summary of the tradition of negating one’s own needs and extending the virtue of doing one’s duty to sex: “As long as you get the thing done”, rather than expect it to be pleasurable every time.
As a rule, flexibility and compromises are two things that make relationships – and sex – work. However, when dishing out advice on people’s intimate lives, it would be great if historical anomalies, such as unfounded gender norms and social structures, could be identified. Women have traditionally been brought up to be flexible at the expense of their own priorities, and words such as consent have entered popular vocabulary only in the last couple of years.
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“Just do it” type of advice is not only really harmful but also complete fiction based on nothing. According to medical literature, it is important for maintaining one’s interest in sex that one does not engage in it against one’s own will. In fact, it is suggested that agreeing to sex against one’s will only put the reluctant party off sex even more in the future.
Let's bust some myths baby!
There could be a surprisingly simple solution to our problem: stop having sex and pleasing your partner against your will! Sex is not a separate element detached from the rest of the world and its structures. Women’s bodies have traditionally been objectified and seen as property. This has led to many of the beliefs and phenomena related to sex that are still present in our lives through tradition.
This isn’t to say that only women suffer from harmful practices and thought models. For example, the common belief that men always think about sex or men are always ready for it, is equally unfounded and stems from the same mistaken thinking. Thinking that puts men under huge pressure.
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Why are we sometimes not interested in having sex (even if it’s good)?
Harmful myth: Man as the initiator of sex
According to studies, men and women are different when it comes to sexual desire: men want sex more often than women. I would like to challenge this and will argue that things are not that simple.
In our culture, being sexually active is still more acceptable for a man than for a woman. So men are more likely to initiate sex whenever they feel like it.
Our libido, level of sexual desire, depends on biological factors (illnesses, hormonal balance, difficulties in reaching an orgasm, menstrual cycle, medication, alcohol etc.), psychological factors (stress, confidence, personal body image and/or attitude towards sex, mental health) and social factors (gender norms, lack of communication about one’s needs, relationship problems and dissatisfaction with one’s sex life).
Everyone’s sexual desires, including men’s, are interlinked with emotions and the situation at hand.
Science has busted the myth that “men are always thinking about sex”. We are not interested in having sex if we are tired, stressed and/or can’t feel an emotional connection with our partner. Many men experience extreme pressure to always perform, which only makes the stress even worse (see e.g. Hunter Murray, 2020).
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Other reasons for a low libido include tiredness, stress, lack of time, dissatisfaction with one’s sex life, boredom, falling out of love and so on. I would add that our performance-driven culture and, more specifically, our orgasm-centred ideas about good sex are also to blame. If sex is just another box to be ticked on the to do list in addition to all other quantifiable and time-critical tasks,
- Who would have the energy to do it on top of everything else?
- How inviting and seducing is the idea of sex in that context?
Not interested in sex? Wear a sexy corset and a garter belt!!
Those corsets and garters! If you grew up on the sex tips from Cosmopolitan and have since smoothly graduated to the “Good sex: 5 tips” articles in more mature ladies’ magazines, you have probably read this piece of advice more than you care to remember: wear something sexy, a corset and garters! I don’t think I have to tell you what I think about this advice, although I personally love pretty underwear!
Let’s dump the “5 tips for better sex” click bait articles to the recycling bin where they belong. Instead, let’s focus on the deeper causes behind the differences in the frequency and quality of sex we enjoy.
What affects our libido?
If your sex life is truly pleasurable and satisfying, wouldn’t it automatically follow that you are also having more sex? Good sex is often understood to lead to orgasm so let’s talk about that.
The mystical female orgasm and the orgasm gap
According to research, 37% men are under the false impression that the clitoris is automatically stimulated in the penile-vaginal intercourse. Moreover, 32% men falsely assume that all women reach an orgasm through the penile-vaginal intercourse. (Fisher & Salisbury, 2014).
Since 1. heteronormative sex often centres around penetrative sex and 2. there are very few nerve endings in the vagina, penetrative sex alone seldom leads to a female orgasm. And because 3. the stimulation of the clitoris is essential in order for a woman to reach orgasm but 4. this is not common knowledge to all, it is no surprise that the “orgasm gap” is a thing.
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When, in addition, we take in to account the common belief that sex ends in the male orgasm and the fact that women are slower than men to get aroused, it would seem that the “orgasm gap” is unavoidable. In other words: very often, by the time the male counterpart is having an orgasm, the woman is only getting ready for some “real action” that would make them climax. Except that the whole thing is over by then.
The male orgasm is traditionally considered the finish line in sex
A nd the measure by which the number of times that a couple has sex quantified. In contrast, female orgasm is apparently something mystic and difficult to achieve. Small wonder then that both sides have internalised this disparity as the truth.
Women have learnt to fake orgasm or to say that they don’t really care whether they have one or not. To unravel this myth would be really beneficial and a win-win for both sexes: if we all understood that sex can continue even after the male orgasm by many other means it might relieve men from the pressure of lasting long and for women to have an orgasm quickly – or to fake it.
Naturally, having an orgasm is amazing. However, sex without orgasm can be good.
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And this is where I want to absolve all men from that one sin: Man, if you are reading this: if back in the 1990s or even 2000, you didn’t yet know where the clitoris was, don’t worry. It took the scientific community until 1998 to discover it! An Australian urologist Helen O’Connell carried out a series of complex tests to ultimately come to the realisation that the clitoris – unlike we thought – is not this pink pea-sized pearl. It is an organ about the size of a penis. The reason for this misperception was that only the tip of the clitoris is in view.
Then again, there is no scientific proof that the much-fabled G spot exists. The only thing we know is that there is an area the size of a coin in the frontal vaginal wall at the depth of 2.5–7.5cm that has lots of nerve endings and feels a little coarser than the rest of the vaginal tissue.
Lack of orgasm is women’s second most common sexual problem
As the above statistics show, there are plenty of unknowns related to sexuality and orgasms. Gaining deeper knowledge would require more open discussion among the general public and between couples. However, this is no easy task: talking openly about sex was long frowned upon and sexuality has been an area of life that people did not talk about, and especially female sexual pleasure was a strict taboo.
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Myth: Masturbation is not necessary in a good relationship
Good sex can also take place in solitude. Masturbation is an excellent way of learning about one’s sexuality, relieve stress and improve the quality of sleep. It is a pleasurable act that lets us explore our bodies and sexuality on new levels throughout our lives. You can masturbate just because you feel like it.
For a long time, masturbation was a dirty secret and a strictly guarded taboo. It is a long-held misconception that masturbation is a substitute for proper sex. This puts having sex with another person on a pedestal quite unnecessarily. Seeing masturbation and sex somehow as opposites puts pressures on singles as well as people in relationships.
Masturbation and sex with another person are not mutual exclusive. All kinds of people masturbate, not just those who don’t happen to have a sex partner. People in relationships and married people masturbate. And no, masturbating is not cheating in any sense of the word!
If you haven’t explored your body, how do you know what you like?
“Good in bed” – a dangerous myth that prevents good sex
Some surveys have revealed that people would enjoy communicating more during sex, to let their partner know what they like.
Communication is more than words. It includes gestures, facial expressions, touch. Instead of speaking, you can also show your partner concretely what you like. It is important in verbal communication that the partners understand each other correctly. So do make sure you understand what the other person wants: You mean like this…. or: Does this feel good?
Is the most important thing in a relationship love? Sex? Intimacy?
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Makes sense, right? However, most of us believe that some people are “good in bed”. That person does not need to be told what to do and when. A person who is “good in bed” takes control and knows without asking exactly what the other person wants. They make the right noises that the right time, change positions and exude confidence – and sex from every pore!
Not only are these stereotypes of what makes a good lover all wrong and cause unnecessary stress for everyone. A person’s awareness of being “good in bed” may in fact be standing between themselves and genuinely good sex.
A stereotypical idea of a good lover is oblivious to people’s individual preferences and need to communicate.
If being “good in bed” becomes part of one’s identity, a partner who communicates what they want in bed can be seen as overly demanding or insulting.
Talking honestly about sex can be nerve-racking simply because we are not used to it. Sex is a personal thing and we are probably afraid that our needs and desires are somehow wrong or abnormal. The sex-positivity is a movement that tries to overcome traditional, harmful attitudes and norms surrounding sex.
Why do partners with incompatible sex drives blame each other?
Why doesn’t my partner want to have sex? What to do if my lack of interest in sex is a problem? How can I have a higher sex drive?
There is no rule or law that says that a couple must have sex to be in a proper relationship.
What each relationship involves is up to the couple and nobody else to define.
What do you think is good sex?
- How would you define good sex in your current stage in life?
- Are you sure this is your personal opinion or are you thinking of a general ideal of good sex?
- Are you happy with your sex life at the moment?
- If not, what’s wrong about it?
- Do you know what you want and need?
- Have you practiced or are you confident talking openly about your desires, needs and preferences with your partner(s)?
- Do you ask your partner about their desires, preferences and needs?
Aiming at good sex = pleasure, not the number of orgasms or intercourses scheduled in the diary
Sexual pleasure is good for us. Good sex promotes physical and mental health. Based on research, we would like more sex than we are currently having. So why is it that we are not rolling in the sheets on a steady basis – alone or with a partner?
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We blame lack of time, smart devices, stress, tiredness – life, in general. And all of this is certainly true enough. However, I would like to argue that at least some of this disparity between our desires and our sex lives is down to the other factors discussed above: false assumptions about sex, pressures to perform, lack of communication and the resulting dissatisfying sex.
Sexuality is not something we can look at as an entity separate of the individual.
Our sexuality is a sum of our view of ourselves, our bodies, our relationships, our sexual experiences, trauma and fears and how we perceive our boundaries. In addition, sexual skills, the ability to allow ourselves to be pleasured and to pleasure our partners as well as society’s norms all affect our sexuality and how we understand sexuality and sex.
You are not doomed to live by what you were taught about sex at school or by Cosmopolitan: Thoughts and practices surrounding sex and sexuality can be learnt and unlearnt throughout our lives. If you stay open to challenging your beliefs and learning about your own sexuality, who knows what pleasures await you!
Do comment on any other typical myths and absurd advice you have heard that I haven’t mentioned in this article, and let me know what other sex-related topics you would like to read about 🙂
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
Sources:
Family Federation of Finland (2015). FINSEX survey. https://www.vaestoliitto.fi/tutkimus/perheiden-hyvinvointi/finsex/
Hunter Murray S. (2020). Not Always In The Mood: The New Science Of Men, Sex, And Relationships. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
RFSU (2020). Let’s Talk about Sex survey. https://www.rfsu.com/fi/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Dear-condom-II-Puhu-seksistä-tutkimus-2020.pdf
Salisbury, C. M., & Fisher, W. A. (2014). “Did you come?” A qualitative exploration of gender differences in beliefs, experiences, and concerns regarding female orgasm occurrence during heterosexual sexual interactions. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(6), 616-631
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