Are there quick and easy ways to improve your relationship? In the blink of an eye. In a matter of seconds. Can improving a relationship really be that easy? I didn’t think so either, until I started to teach myself the skills, the full potential of which I’ve understood only now, in middle age.
What’s the quick and easy way to improve your relationship?
You and I both know that if only we could keep calm in conflict situations, even the toughest of disagreements would be much easier to handle. But how to keep calm?
Receiving the most unexpected punches below the belt without too much trauma is easier if you can stay calm in an argument. If you can keep your cool, you won’t have to deal with your body’s physical fight-of-flight reactions simultaneously with resolving the conflict at hand. And that takes us to my favourite subject: the core of our thoughts and feelings. The brain.
Should you try hypnotherapy or NLP?
I am a qualified clinical hypnotherapist and accredited NLP Trainer. I am also completing further studies in psychology and neurobiology at the University of London. Utilising the different levels of brainwaves and strengthening neurological connections to improve our wellbeing is a topic close to my heart.
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Let’s take a quick look at the anatomy of getting upset. How does our brain and nervous system operate in the context of a relationship? Once you are aware of these basic mechanisms, you will also see how you can use this knowledge to improve your relationship through fairly simple changes.
How to use neurobiology as a quick and easy way to improve your relationship?
Our bodies are wise and quick to react. Our forebears knew to run and to run fast when they heard the roar of a lion. Their autonomous nervous system kickstarted the sympathetic nervous system into action, which made us either fight or flight.
What follows physiologically is quite complex: our system delivers more blood to the muscles that they need for you to run fast and be on full alert so that we can escape the lion’s claws and fangs. Meanwhile in the brain, the sugar production plant is in full swing turbocharging our body for exertion and a heroic survival that has enabled us as a species to continue our evolutionary success story. Back in those days, it was indeed the survival of the fittest, and the faster you were, the more likely you were to live to tell the tale.
Are relationship problems simply just stress and lack of sleep?
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As far as mother nature in concerned, nothing has changed since those days. However, evolution has perfected our bodies for sudden panic situations that are s over as quickly as they start. Prolonged stress is not like that. Our bodies are not designed to withstand endless stress-filled days, months, years. Being on continuous full alert is not good for us. Our entire family lives can be disrupted for completely unnecessary fuss.
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We are in awe of our heroic ancestors, how they survived through all those stone-age hardships. Our hardships are not similar to theirs. Our panic situations are no longer caused by lions roaming freely.
What turns our fight-or-flight mode on these days is stupid technology that doesn’t work and makes work in the time of the pandemic impossible plus the stupid face of our stupid partner: 50 reasons why working from home is so annoying.
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Sometimes it’s not even the stress at work. Just seeing the face of our partner alone makes us lose our cool. We hear upsetting words just as sharply as our ancestors heard the approach of a lion ready to attack from behind a bush. In addition, our cortex has developed since those days and we are even better at recognising faces and reading and interpreting microexpressions. And overinterpreting.
When our partner lets out roar or is just generally tense, it triggers in us the same fight-or-flight response as a lion would.
Our own historical interpretations also create a bias as to what our partner “again” means by that look or remark. “Why do you again, always have to…” Remember my video: Why do you always leave your dirty socks lying around?
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The job of the amygdala is to protect us. We remember our previous discussion with our partner – and what happened next. Often, however, we don’t remember exactly what was said. Yet our memory of that moment, which is affected by our mental resources at that moment, is stored as a bodily sensation. Our brain wants to save energy wherever it can. It is economical for it to store memories in slightly lower “resolution” but nonetheless we use that blurry image as our benchmark, as if it was a high-definition image. That’s why what our partner says may seem to us as something they “always” or “again” keep doing. Probably neither of you is quite right in their recollections. More about this later.
When our brain matches a current situation with a blurry image from the past that kind of looks the same, it interprets the current situation as a similar threat. That automated interpretation is telling us:
You are in trouble. Fight or flight.
And while our automated interpretation skills serve us well in principle, it is not perfect. The gaps that our automated system leaves, we tend to fill in with our own interpretations. Our brain is wise but also extremely reluctant to expend extra energy. Once your brain has seen enough warning signs, it is not going to stop to confirm whether or not your partner actually represents a real threat. The energy must be spent where your lizard brain wants it.
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You either escape the situation or stay and fight yourself out of it. A brawl at a chippy after bar closing time is not a well-considered tactic any more than your scathing words across your kitchen table, although you think they will bring instant result:
Just a couple of punches/words and my enemy will leave me alone!
Your partners reactions will, however, always be a bit unpredictable. What is not unpredictable is that your cortex will lose its grip as you get increasingly upset. Your brain will automatically start reserving fuel for physical stress reactions rather than logical thinking. This is because, from your ancestors’ perspective, running as fast as you can was always a better alternative than to stop evaluating the riskiness of the situation. After all, they were dealing with a hungry lion. To your brain, your irritating partner is nothing short of a dangerous lion. Your reaction to “give as good as you get”, however, is unlikely to be rational.
Seen from this angle, it may seem that our brain is not that smart. But automated reactions like that were perfected over lengthy periods of evolution and there is very little you can do about it. If you don’t want your lizard brain to autopilot you in your relationship.
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You need to give your logical thinking a chance.
In the following I’m telling you how that happens.
The quick and easy way to improve your relationship
Be in the moment and breathe slowly. If you are upset and angry, that can be difficult.
But guess what:
you can learn.
To breathe.
Slowly.
Slooooooowly.
Veeeeery sloowwwwly.
Make a conscious effort to do so.
Be present to yourself.
Take your time.
Be present to your partner.
Be accepting.
Breathing slowly will help you calm down, even to the point of the deep relaxation experienced during hypnosis. Slow breathing can in fact send you to sleep in seconds.
In a blink of an eye.
Before you know it.
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Slowly breathe in, hold your breath for a second or two, and breath out, and hold your breath for a second.
You will stop feeling a compulsive need to fight, your partner’s bad mood will no longer be fuelled by you, and your relationship is immediately just that much better!
If you are like me, a rationally thinking sceptic, you may not be convinced what actually happens technically speaking (in the brain, not just in terms of breathing with your lungs and diaphragm). So I’ve compiled some facts as a brief explanation. Read this articles for more interesting scientific facts about the concrete benefits of good breathing technique to physical and mental health. Why is breathing important to our health?
What’s the easy way to improve your relationship? Harness your subconscious!
Slow, calm breathing does help calm us down, no matter how upset or infuriated we are about something. Don’t miss out on the simplest of techniques – controlled breathing – as an effective tool for a better relationship. Calm breathing is the foundation of peaceful and constructive presence and encounters with each other. I recommend that you first simply concentrate on your breathing.
As a clinical hypnotherapist I can also teach you more effective methods of self-hypnosis if your goal is to seriously improve your wellbeing and your relationship on an even deeper level than controlling your breathing. In the end of the day, while controlled breathing helps you see the difference between small irritations from real problems, it cannot actually resolve your problems. For that, you need more robust tools.
Inhale… and ….exhale…
Mastering hypnosis and self-hypnosis techniques will support controlled breathing when you are trying to relax and calm down. Hypnotherapy is a highly recommendable and effective method for stress relief and finding a good mental space in your relationship. In addition to being great fun (trust me!) and blissfully relaxing, hypnotherapy is also very solution-centred and useful in solving may practical modern day challenges.
Online Coaching
Happy to help you! Welcome to book your online coaching session with the certified Coach, NLP Trainer, and Clinical Hypnotherapist Kati Niemi! Please select your
Hypnotherapy can be used for “mere” stress management and relaxation but as a qualified clinical hypnotherapist I can also help you with a wide range of problems. You have probably heard the interesting fact that we operated 95% of the time relying on our unconscious mind. You may also know that to resolve problems and reaching your goals you therefore need to apply the power of your subconscious. As a hypnotherapist, I can help you harness the power of your international, unconscious resources.
Mastering hypnosis and self-hypnosis techniques will support controlled breathing when you are trying to relax and calm down. Hypnotherapy is a highly recommendable and effective method for stress relief and finding a good mental space in your relationship. In addition to being great fun (trust me!) and blissfully relaxing, hypnotherapy is also very solution-centred and useful in solving may practical modern day challenges.
Gentle but firm guidance for your needs
Alongside hypnotherapy, I also use NLP (neurolinguistic programming) techniques with my clients. Having passed the basic, advanced and trainer courses in NLP, I am now an accredited NLP Trainer. I use NLP methods in hypnotherapy based on the needs and preferences of each client. For more information about this topic, read my other blog postings.
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And when you feel the times is right, don’t hesitate to contact me
by messaging me through the (R)evolution for Love Instagram or Facebook accounts.
And even if you are not sure what exactly you should be working on but know that you need to get back some of your mojo, do drop me a line! I’m here, just a couple of clicks away!
As you probably know by now – I will be challenging you just the right amount without forgetting humour. Always remember that I am learning and working on these themes for a genuine heartfelt calling and nothing else. I welcome you to challenge me back if you don’t think that some of my methods won’t work for you. I have gathered quite a collection of alternative and potential approaches along my journey of doubting and tried and tested methods.
I’m sure we can find something to try out to help you reach your goals 🙂 Mental coaching is my passion and I love using my brain. You can rest assured that I will delve into my entire professional repertoire to help in every single session. If we can’t find a time that suits us both, I am happy to refer you to other reputed hypnotherapists and NLP professionals.
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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