Many people look at their partner and relationship and think how they have changed since they first met. Sometimes it hasn’t been for the better… But what would be the best ways to permanently improve your relationship? Improving a relationship isn’t always easy – unless you can come up with new tools in your toolkit. Trying to solve old problems with old tools that caused the problems in the first place is probably not going to work.
A relationship is created as a collaboration between two people. The relationship can’t get better unless both partners find something new in themselves to liven up the relationship on a more permanent basis. If you want to know how to make a good relationship gets better, read this list of top tips to help make a positive change in your relationship!
IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP:
Even if you are in a hurry to know, how to make a good relationship better RIGHT NOW, read this top 10 list first.
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IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: You are not your relationship
Your relationship is a relationship between you and your partner. So it’s just a relationship. Not a monolithic chunk of something you can pick up and shake to make it better, more functional and more rewarding. A relationship is an empty vessel into which you bring your own thoughts, feelings, desires and actions at all times.
When you want to know how a good relationship gets better, the answer is not found in the relationship you want to change. The answer is found in yourself. Improving a relationship is only possible if based on the personal development of the two persons in it to become more loving individuals.
The relationship is, in a way, an empty vessel. Hollow and open. It is not something separate from the partners who are in it and can’t therefore be changed as a separate entity. Improving a relationship starts with improving yourself.
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IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Only you can make the change happen
No external factor or change in circumstances can improve your relationship. Certainly, circumstances affect your relationship, but any passiveness in looking after and working on your relationship will only damage the relationship. Moving homes or giving birth to a child rarely deepens the relationship permanently. The reason is that your house or even your biological child is not you.
If improving your relationship is important to you, take responsibility for it. Don’t lie to yourself by expecting that “as soon as” something is happening or “if only” certain changes would happen, without you and your partner making any effort, the relationship will improve.
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IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: A better relationship is created in every encounter with your partner
We are never ready as human beings. That’s life. It is a good thing that we evolve throughout life. Being imperfect means that we are capably of changing and developing. Some people even think we are flawed, if we compare ourselves in this moment to what we think we could be.
We are meant to develop, and therefore we are also meant to improve our relationships. Improving a relationship therefore requires developing our own skills. Relationship skills, such as encountering skills, can be practiced.
To help you with your relationship journey, take a look at the list of top tips below. They are not just my idle ramblings. They are points I have discussed with many people.
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Most of all, I have pondered these things to myself and reflected on my own people skills in every encounter – including my relationships throughout my life.
IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Give yourself a moment to look inwards
Improving your relationship starts with you. You, too, will learn to recognise and bring out exactly the things you realised will nurture your relationship and make it better.
You can and should develop yourself. It is sometimes difficult, slow and frustrating. Maybe it helps to know that there’s a reason for this, as I’ve explained in blog post: Scientists say some adults never reach full maturity. How to improve your wellbeing through self-development?
IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Are you hoping to improve your relationship but don’t even know what’s wrong with it?
Before you can start improving your relationship you must first honestly examine your current situation.
Do you ever feel that:
- You relationship needs a shake up, or a bigger earthquake?
- You don't have time for each other and not enough time for yourselves?
- There is something missing from your days but you can't put your finger on what it is?
- Your relationship is quietly dying and life has begun to feel less colourful?
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Your longing is about an unmet need. a need for change. Changes in your own life start with you. Only you can make them happen. Change enters your relationship, which is essentially an empty vessel, through you.
A vague desire for something better speaks of a need for concrete, lasting change that you cannot look for outside of yourself. This is because you are the creator and driver of change in your love life. Together with your partner
Improving your relationship – that is changing yourself from within – can feel difficult and slow. Your subconscious pushes you in the familiar, the unproductive direction.
It’s OK that improving a relationship feels difficult. Trust me, it is. And the more difficult it is, the further from the desired path you have digressed. Who knows, maybe you were occasionally pushed into the wayside along the way. But change is still possible regardless of the situation you are in now.
You know you weren’t in a similar situation ten years ago. Maybe things have changed over the years without you noticing.
Your looks, your thoughts, your friends may have changed. Maybe you have relocated and changed jobs. Hw you use your time and what you do affect your thoughts and emotions. They in turn affect your thoughts and your actions arising from those thoughts.
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So, your negative feelings about your relationship come from your actions, which are guided by your thoughts. Mostly the drivers of your subconscious beliefs and unconscious mind. Harmful its basic assumptions can even drive you to the brink of breaking up. If you want to learn to better understand the power of the subconscious and the unconscious mind, read more about these topics in the several posts in this blog.
Similarly, from this point onwards, all the negative or positive changes will follow you on your journey in one form or another. And the content of your entire life will also be reflected in your relationship. You’ve probably heard how people say their partner is their mirror. By extension, your relationship is a mirror of you two ever-changing individuals.
How does a good relationship get better? Start improving your relationship by allowing change!
If you notice a change is underway in you and you pay special, welcoming attention to that change, you will make sure that it follows the desired path step by step going forward.
Before you can nurture a positive change in your relationship, you should allow that change to come to you. Allow change to be present in your relationship, in your partner, in yourself. Read more on how to learn how to allow your partner and relationship to change before you start working on it: “Darling, never change!” Are you serious?
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10 TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Thanks for taking a moment to stop and think! Here are my 10 tips for you on how to make a good relationship even better:
1. Review the situation.
If your personal space to grow has become cramped in your relationship, take stock of the situation. What are your days like? What takes up you time? It there something missing that you’ve started to miss more than before? Remember that your relationship is just a relationship. An empty vessel where you bring not only your hunger for life and your thirst for love, but also the ingredients of your mutual wellbeing.
2. Recognise your own role in your life.
Before you start accusing your partner of not giving you enough me-time or understanding your new interests with the enthusiasm you would like, think back to your childhood self and the path you have since followed. As you observe that path, do you realise that that very path has been yours every step of the way? It is your path, you walk on it, sometimes without thinking. Probably your thoughts, experiences and feelings are very similar now, in this relationship of yours, to what they have been like in the past with all kings of people. Your partner just happened cross your path at some point. Give yourself a moment and breathe in the change in this moment. Change is possible.
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3. Quick clean your days.
If you don’t have the time to develop yourself or to improve your relationship, you have to make time. Reserve fifteen minutes each day for something that you have been missing in your life. Take that time from something you don’t enjoy that much.
Do you think the relationship can’t get better in fifteen minutes? Fifteen minutes of a day is 91 hours a year. If you could now spend 91 hours on just about anything you enjoy without anyone bothering or criticising you, what would you do? If you can’t take 91 hours off this week in one go, enjoy it fifteen minutes at a time!
4. Use those fifteen minutes wisely.
Enjoy the fifteen minutes you have just cleared for yourself in your diary. In fact, enjoy it so much that when you think about it the next morning, you will want to organise such a nice moment for yourself again. Do you notice how you are amplifying the positive in your life as if by magic? Exciting, isn’t it?
5. Notice the positive in your day.
Pay attention to the positive you have made space for in the middle of your everyday life, not just on the fringes of it. Look closely. What is that positive made of? What does it look like? How do you look at it? How do you feel when you hear the happy sound of that positive thing call your name? Focus on that positive that you are allowing yourself to enjoy with all your senses. Without reservation.
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Notice how the thing you missed in your life has started to grow as you make room for it. Practice paying attention to the positive. Slowly it will turn into a routine. And there’s nothing like positive routines to brighten up a day and a relationship!
6. Pay attention to your partner.
Notice how your partner will also give you room to grow if you arrange it for yourself. Fifteen minutes a day for yourself brings a smile to your face and a twinkle in your partner’s eye! Notice how they still love you today, even if you spend fifteen minutes of your time on something different. Notice they love you despite your small change. Changing your daily life and yourself was OK! Notice how they show they love you just the way you are – by allowing you to spend your fifteen minutes they way you choose.
7. Praise and thank yourself.
Thank yourself for hearing the sound of your longing within you. Congratulate yourself for fulfilling your own wishes on a small scale, fifteen minutes at a time. Thank yourself for not letting budding happiness pass you by anymore, as you consciously paid attention to it. Let that happiness grow fifteen minutes at a time, day by day, taller and taller from that small bud that it was, waiting for your acceptance. Your acceptance of your own change. Improving a relationship becomes possible when you allow yourself to change and are gentle with yourself.
Give yourself permission. Allow yourself. Accept yourself. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in the success of your improved realationship.
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8. Allow growth to accelerate or change direction.
Clear even more fifteen minute breaks in your diary to take you in the right direction. Just keep going towards all the good things waiting for you! Do you realise how many opportunities there are around you?
Can you see them?
Take a closer look round that corner, too!
9. Accept that change is ongoing.
Longing for something is a call for change. And even change wants to change. What was unfinished yesterday is unfinished today bu already in a different way. Your perspective is already different from the past. The future is still invitingly uncertain and incomplete. Fostering the unfinished is the power behind change. After all, I should hope we want to develop till the end of our days! And in that flowing stream of life, we are floating in freely in all directions. We are perfectly imperfect – forever evolving.
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Be patient with yourself. At the same time, allow enough time for the improvement of the relationship to happen through self-development. Turn down the voice of your inner critic or mute it all together. Notice how you can begin to hear the voice of your inner mentor. If your internal change in all its glory and pain overwhelms you at times, remind yourself of the rewards of personal growth: Scientists say some adults never reach full maturity. How to improve your wellbeing through self-development?
10. Be patient with your partner.
Remember, that even if you were the first see the need for change in your life or your relationship and to take initiative, your partner needs time to notice the same need and all the positives and new inspiring ideas it can bring! Don’t assume that improving your relationship is as high on your partner’s list of priorities as yours. Remember that they are not mind readers and aren’t automatically aware of your dreams.
Talk to your partner and discuss your big dreams together. Share your more mundane goals as well A shared vision and appreciative words in everyday life will help your partner to keep up with you on your journey.
Verbalising your hopes and dreams makes the concrete and achievable.
A reality.
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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