The reasons for cheating are sometimes as difficult to understand as it is to predict the consequences of cheating. Everyone has their own reasons to cheat, and everyone who has been cheated on will react differently. As a rule, cheating and relationship problems go hand in hand, but cheating is more likely to be caused by relationship problems, not necessarily the cause of them. This article will delve into the reasons and collected excuses for cheating.
What kind of explanations does the cheated partner, “the other women”, “the third wheel” believe? Or the cheater themselves?
Too many are afraid to see the real reasons for cheating. I say too many because this fear is unnecessary. For the cheater, cheating is usually a very human way of escaping a problem. As poor a choice as it, it is an understandable one. If cheating is a risk to someone’s wellbeing, analysing it is helpful and even necessary.
Living in a sexless relationship when your partner does not want to have sex. No sex in marriage. Involuntary celibacy in a sexless marriage
Even if you are ashamed of cheating, you should not be ashamed to talk about it.
Believing the excuses for cheating is equally human. It makes every sense that we try to believe the reasons for cheating, no matter how illogical. For change to be possible, we must first admit that none of us should believe the collected excuses for cheating. Or to make such excuses to your partner or to yourself.
Cheating is seldom the actual problem in the relationship. There are usually underlying reasons for cheating. It is interesting how often cheating is the chosen method of trying to resolve relationship problems, especially if the relationship is not all that bad or sorely lacking in some key aspects.
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Let's take a bit more critical look at the reasons for cheating, OK?
You should be just as keen to look into the root causes of cheating as you are to get into the pants of your lover, right?
Too many find the best of excuses for their cheating, although there really is no logic.
Many of those who are cheated on or the secret lover – “the other woman” – believe the excuses far too easily and carry on in wilful blindness for far too long, before finally finding the courage to see the reality behind the love triangle.
Why is my partner cheating on me? Why was I cheating on? Why did I fall in love with someone already married?
The purpose of the (R)evolution fort Love is to draw a picture, keeping the eye on the solution, about even the most painful taboos. Sometimes it takes tough love and a gentle nudge for us to wake up and embrace growth.
There are plenty of other options besides cheating.
You can’t solve a problem that you don’t fully understand. Analysing a problem down to the smallest detail may be uncomfortable but it is extremely important and helpful.
Unpicking the reasons for cheating is probably painful, at least to begin with and especially when what you discover unpleasant truths that really hit the nerve.
This article is a long read and not always an easy one but there is a reason for this. To understand our motivations, we must be brutally honest to ourselves.
The reasons and collected excuses for cheating
This articles discusses cheating and the reasons for cheating from a variety of angles:
Cheating is common and it usually happens more than once. Why do we cheat and then make the best of excuses afterwards?
Everyone wants to be a good person and be accepted because of the positive things we do. And yet, so many of us choose to cheat their partners. Cheaters often want to believe they have a good and rational reason to cheat because they want to protect themselves from the real reason why they cheated. Even the most senseless choice has a reason, but sometimes it is not nice to face up to that reason.
This is when our unconscious mind is leading us astray. Read more about engaging with mind in your journey towards your goal.
Cheating and the collected excuses always go together. If the reasons for cheating were clear and understood, wouldn’t it make sense to fix the root cause rather than avoid it? The root cause drives us to cheat under the pretext of the selected excuse.
This article explains some of the collected excuses in a language and manner that is strict but fair. There is no point hiding and covering up what has already been done. At least not from yourself and not now, when you are already possibly recognising yourself from what I’m saying.
When you read this text, think:
- which reasons for cheating or excuses resonate with you?
- In what way?
- What could be the root cause for cheating in your specific case?
If you want to find relief, don’t try and avoid negative feelings. The best thing is to deal with them when they are still fresh.
The cheater and the cheated
If you cheated on you partner, it is understandable that you try to explain away the episode, both to yourself and your partner. However, you would do yourself a big favour if you let go of the excuses right now and take a good look at the reasons for cheating. If you have cheated once, you are likely to cheat again, if you can’t recognise the root cause for your behaviour and strengthen your resources to address the underlying problem.
If you were cheated on, and perhaps this was not the first time, it is understandable that you try and explain it all away. You may have heard that some people tend to end up in relationships with cheaters time after time. If you don’t want to develop being cheated on into a habit or if you want to kick that habit, you will benefit greatly from analysing the events and yourself more profoundly.
Even if the fact that your partner cheated on you was their choice and you are not responsible for their actions, you should look at your role in the events as well. You two are in the relationship together, which means that you both bring elements into it. It is amazing if you are able to talk with your partner openly and understanding each other, whatever the future of your relationship turned out to be.
The secret lover, the other woman, the third wheel
Or are you in a relationship with someone already taken – the other woman hidden away or a third wheel in an affair that may have lasted even longer? You may be telling yourself that the elements of the love triangle are just obstacles along the path of two soulmates. You may believe that your relationship is unique. This, too, is understandable. You are not responsible for your lover cheating on their partner. You are certainly not the reason for their problems in their relationship. You are, however, responsible for your own part in the situation.
You have probably hurt yourself in the course of the affair. That is why it is important for you to understand why you find yourself as the other woman/man and. Why do you accept possibly very mixed messages. You have probably experienced extremely powerful love, but nonetheless in secret, to protect the person that your lover wants to protect more than you. You would benefit from thinking through what has happened. Is your relationship really one that could evolve into a balanced relationship based on trust?
It does not matter what the reasons for cheating are or who is at fault. Are you ready to take the responsibility for your role and to work on your own wellbeing and behaviour, even if this would cause pain? Nobody can make your decisions for you. You choose your direction.
Infidelity: What are good reasons for cheating in a relationship?
Many are scared of being cheated on. Cheaters are scared of recognising, analysing, admitting to and resolving the reasons for cheating. This article focuses on the root causes and the consequences of cheating – and those excuses. What are these “collected excuses” that the cheaters and the cheated tell themselves to avoid having to deal with the root causes and to stop the vicious circle of cheating?
Let’s start with a classic: It is not the opportunity that makes the thief.
If this were the case, we all would be shoplifting to our heart’s content. We don’t all grab the next juicy bottom on the dance floor the second our partner is not watching. We don’t tiptoe into our colleague’s hotel room for a nightcap after a seminar just because the other colleagues have already gone to bed and can’t see how clever we are?
The opportunity does not make us do it. This excuse holds no logic whatsoever! Not even if the partner, whom you love so dearly, convincingly says so.
Even if your partner is ashamed of cheating and full of remorse, it still isn’t the solution.
Many cheaters genuinely regret cheating, and yet they can do it again. This is because they never thought about why they were cheating. Sometimes the reason has to do with the relationship, sometimes with the cheater themselves, their character and tendencies. Shame and regret do not change that character or those tendencies. It takes more than regret to achieve a permanent and real change and stop the habit of cheating.
Cheater’s excuse #1 “I wouldn’t normally have cheated but I was so drunk I didn’t realise what was happening.”
Opportunity never made a thief. Thieves make the opportunities. Cheaters plan the cheating in advance, every single time. Sometimes they plan it for days before the date before a single cocktail is consumed.
Sometimes the planning happens “only” those moments when the cheater:
- has had a few drinks too many
- eyes up everyone at the bar or the dance floor
- dances looking for contact with the skin, lips, hair of someone they don’t know
- leaves the nightclub to queue for a taxi hand in hand with someone other than their partner
- sits in the back of taxi with someone, kissing through the whole journey
- steps into the someone’s flat and
How many opportunities were there to stop the cheating from happening? Or has the behaviour already become a pattern? Many addictions and bad habits, such as obsessive and compulsive behaviours, can be remedied, if you want to.
As a clinical hypnotherapist and accredited NLP Trainer, I know several methods of reprogramming our personal autopilot. Be in touch if you wish to work on your self-control and change your behaviour using the power of your subconscious.
If you want to stop cheating, you can.
When your motivation is right, you will be able to be faithful to your partner in a happy relationship – with your current or your future partner. There is no problem so big in life that we can’t resolve it if we really want to.
However, only wanting and some positive thoughts are not enough.
Adultery under the influence: Does alcohol cause cheating?
You probably noticed the many opportunities in the above story where a different choice could have been made. While the moment of mistake is explained to the partner as an ill-advised whim, at least you should be brutally honest with yourself. Admit that there is plenty of time, no matter how drunk you are, to decide which way you are heading from the bar, home or somewhere else. And even if you end up in someone else’s place, you can leave. It’s never too late to make the right choice that could be really important!
What is even more pathetic than resorting to the collected excuses is that the cheater often believes in these excuses themselves. This paves the way for a pattern of cheating.
Many people drink alcohol and sometimes quite a lot. Yet many of these people never cheat. Alcohol is said to remove inhibitions, which is why many hold this explanation rational, until you take a closer look at the logic of this excuse.
Alcohol does, indeed, slow down the normal functions of the frontal lobe, which is where planning and decision-making takes place. However, we are much closer to the truth about the reasons of cheating if we think what makes a person drink themselves into a near unconscious state.
It is important to make the distinction that if you have been sexually abused or taken advantage of while intoxicated, you should consider reporting it to the police. If, however, you were able to consent, you were also able to leave the scene.
Don’t tell yourself these lies and save your partner from having to hear them. Seek help for the root cause of your problem – is it an addiction problem or a cheating and relationship problem or both.
The cheater: “I was exhausted and I needed to feel alive.” Does exhaustion cause cheating?
Driving when you are tired is dangerous. Lack of sleep impairs our ability to concentrate and function rationally, a bit like alcohol. So can lack of sleep cause you to cheat?
Of course you could be so tired that you simply fall into someone’s bed and fall asleep. Sleeping and sex are two very different things. If you are so tired that you fall asleep wherever you are, isn’t it a bit illogical that you still are able to have sex?
Instead of citing exhaustion as your excuse to you partner, think what is really going on. If you are sleep deprived and overly exhausted, seek help.
Many seek cheering up in their daily life without making any actual changes in their choices. An excellent idea is to seek help from professional coach if you are finding it difficult to make choices and reprogram your behaviour. A professional will have the insight and courage to look at your situation honestly and pragmatically.
Infidelity: Does low self-esteem cause cheating?
Another sad fact is that a person who is otherwise happy in their relationship erred to look for short-term relief for feeling empty inside.
Low self-esteem can cause anxiety and sadness in line, which can drive people to poor choices to try to lighten things up for themselves.
Some numb their negative feelings with alcohol or sugar, others with excessive physical exercise. Some resort to cheating although there would be other poor options available as well.
If you do not seek help for your low self-esteem and get to the bottom of the reasons why you cheated, you are likely to do it again.
Cheating on social media
Some look for a quick fix for feelings of emptiness by surfing on social media sites. Social as such is an excellent platform – as long as it is used in a constructive way that empowers us. In the (R)evolution for Love blog you will find also many tips how to keep your social media usage positive and how to use the social media as a helpful way to boost your self-esteem.
Social media is often mentioned as a cause for cheating, something along the lines:
Someone I didn’t know approached me on social media. They seemed keen and then it just happened. We started exchanging more and more nice messages, which turned into wild messages and soon I had to have sex with them in person, not just sex in secret…
An adult can be led down the garden path only as far as they themselves allow.
If you or your partner really cheat for the sheer joy of being on social media and not because there is something amiss in your relationship, I would recommend reading the book (R)evolution for Love:
Is being spark back to your relationship a good reason to cheat?
Some cheaters argue that cheating on your partner gives new life to your steady relationship. Does it really? Is it really as good an idea as people are ready to believe?
Following that logic, wouldn’t the relationship get even better if both of you could freely and openly enjoy their sexual escapades?
Would an open relationship be a better option for you then? Variety in sex and excitement certainly perk up the relationship but it does not justify cheating.
Many believe in this old myth: Cheating gives your relationship a new lease of life. Many also believe that the more sexual partners, the richer the life – especially with the added excitement of cheating.
Personally, I don’t believe a word of this, unless you look at cheating as a placebo. Placebos do work, up to point.
However, the placebo effect is purely a product of our minds (which cause the physical reactions), so you can achieve that without cheating as well.
Why not use your time more wisely and embark on a self-development journey and acquire strong enough mind management skills so that you no longer need to cheat to perk yourself or your relationship up like that?
What do you think is a rational reason for cheating?
I want to keep challenging your thinking a bit more, so take a deep breath and here me out. I totally get it, reading this article is probably not that easy.
If you think that you cheated out of momentary boredom, isn’t it weird how the emptiness of your life turned you/your partner deceitful specifically towards your partner/you? Why didn’t you look for ways to perk up your life together?
If your relationship is as good as you would like to think, and it was just you personally that needed to look for something else, why did you choose, of all the options available, resort to cheating? If you have cheated on your partner, you have a good reason to do so. You may not be conscious of it or ready to admit it, but it is there.
Some tell themselves, “The number of vices is constant” and “everyone has an addiction or two”. Is cheating better for the relationship than some other addiction? What if you could quit your addictions with the same method as you can improve your relationship?
If you don’t believe that addictions, neuroses and debilitating phobias can be treated successfully, do leave a comment below about the therapies that in your experience are ineffective?
Or could it be that there are methods that could be of help to you?
The cheated partner: “Why did my partner cheat on me although we regularly have great sex?”
That your partner does not want to have sex could be one reason but not the actual root cause for cheating.
Many of those who are in relationship where there is sex are baffled to learn their partner has been cheating on them: “We had lovely sex every day, they had no reason to cheat!” If only stopping someone from cheating were this easy!
Surprisingly many seem to believe in this explanation, judging by online discussion forums. According to this logic, a person who has sex with their partner could not want or even lust for sex with someone else?
Those who are in a relationship and who know they want to have sex with other people apart from the partner and choose not to cheat on their partner refer to the love relationship an open relationship. Which is fine!
An open relationship is a more loving option than cheating
If partners agree on an open relationship out of love and not out of fear, it is probably an excellent solution. For some reason, however, many choose to carry on cheating on their partner while pretending to be in a monogamous relationship.
A fulfilling sex life within a relationship does not protect the relationship from the possibility of an attractive other sexual partner or stop a cheater to have another woman or man.
A lack of sex is one explanation but not the root cause for cheating.
Many people think that the lack of sex their relationship is an extremely justified reason for them to be incapable of making any other choices than to cheat.
These other choices in a sexless relationship could be:
A) being faithful and stay in the relationship
B) being faithful and leave the relationship
C) changing the nature of your relationship into an open relationship
If these alternatives are beyond their capabilities, does it really leave them any other choice than to cheat? So, in a way, a lack of sex is an understandable excuse. But it is a poor excuse and at least cheaters themselves should not fall for it.
Our own thoughts are not always good and they don’t always have a positive intent. The beliefs we hold on to as justifications for our actions can be wrong and hurt you by making you repeat a negative pattern and by stopping you from making the necessary changes in your life. The good news is that beliefs can be changed.
In how many ways have your tried to develop your cognitive functions and to remove beliefs that restrict your or to make poor choices?
Would you be prepared to challenge yourself in earnest and to improve your life in ways that you can’t even imagine yet?
Many people are not ready for self-development and there are reasons why this is so: scientists say some adults never reach full maturity. Tough but true, based on psychologists’ research.
Why would 'the other woman' wait for a man who is cheating on his wife?
Finding a sexual partner is a lot easier than working through your problems. Sex can bring momentary relief for a lack of physical and emotional intimacy that you may feel in the relationship with your partner. Maybe you don’t feel able to leave or bring yourself to suggest an open relationship.
Many “other women” tell themselves that they are the ones who can remedy the wounds of their cheating lover. Only them are able to offer the kind of super sex that the cheater’s wife can’t – at least according to one source: the cheating lover. In other words, the other woman is at least equally delusional about the situation as the wide, who is wondering how of earth the husband could cheat despite their great sex life and happy family.
If the cheater can’t leave their partner, why would they be any more capable of leaving the lover?
A person who does not know what they want from life doesn’t know how to say no. When the secret lover provides a full all-you-can eat buffet of sex, you don’t turn away from that if you are already seated at the proverbial table. A person who does not know what they want from life won’t know which courses on the menu of love match their values and goals in life. So they stuff their faces at the buffet for as long as they can. That kitchen never closes as long as a person with a low self-esteem and confidence are prepared to order and pay.
Fortunately, self-esteem and confidence that can be built on, step by step.
However, change can only be powered by a need for change. Sometimes to create that need, we need a firm and gentle nudge in the right direction. I hope that what I have to say in this blog and my book are enough of a wake-up call for you to start seeking real change in your life. There is no need for anyone to keep a bad habit or be imprisoned by their bad choices. Change is an option for the cheater, the cheated and the third wheel.
For more motivation, read The (R)evolution for Love book:
Who can stop the triangle of cheating?
The cheater is seldom the one to put an end to something they have started that gives them short-term relief. The cheater gets their gratification every time, just like our old friend, Pavlov’s dog. If you are “the other woman” or “the third wheel” and you want to turn this type of “yes man” or woman into your married spouse, games like these are suddenly not that much fun.
The ecstatic secret trysts turn into dark and depressing encounters. Soon the cheated partner, who with good luck already knows, or doesn’t know, what is going on, is not the only one feeling the pain.
As the affair gets older, things will get heated between the cheater and “the other woman/man” and not in a sexual sense. Arguments about where the affair should be heading hurts both even if the two should agree on that they want to start living as a couple or that the affair should end. Breaking up hurts and whatever you do with the secret affair, and you will have to break up with someone, your partner or your lover.
How long do you want to listen to his/her reasons to cheat his/her partner with you?
If self-direction and building of meaningful life has proved that difficult for the “yes man”, how great a partner does “the other woman” expect to have in him?
Or if you are the “other man”, and think that your lovely but taken lover simply hasn’t had the heart to leave their partner, you should be aware of one important fact: most divorces are initiated by the woman.
Men seek reassurance to back up their decision to leave for a new love while women tend to file for divorce to liberate themselves and to improve their quality of life. If you are wondering why she still hasn’t left her good-for-nothing husband, read the book The (R)evolution for Love and then have a good conversation with your married lover.
If you as “the other woman/man” are tired of hearing the collected excuses of your lover why leaving their relationship is so difficult, you can hint the lover of your life towards a government website where the practicalities of getting a divorce are explained.
The cheater could also suggest to their partner that they continue in an open relationship if they want to openly love you and stay in their marriage.
I you still trying to think of a good reason to cheat or not to break up with your partner that you can believe in?
Dear 'Other Woman', let the person you love live through their own growing pains at their own pace
If you truly love a woman or man who is in a relationship with someone else, let them grow at their own pace.
Blackmailing and ultimatums are for the weak.
It is not your job to save others. In fact, you can’t save others. Not even the married man or woman that you love to bits.
You deserve better than that.
You don’t even know yet how much better. Because you can’t quite yet see all the riches of love that awaits for you round the corner, those riches will stay undiscovered until you have you pluck up the courage to look that far ahead – beyond the period of change.
Message me if you need peer support. I’m here only a video call away, just like your married lover. Your friends may also be there for you and happy to help even if you are reluctant to fully open up about the reason for your sadness.
Dear You who were cheated on by your partner: How long do you want to listen to those reasons for cheating before you want better actions and not only excuses and explanations?
If you have been cheated on by your partner and want to believe that the “other woman/man” was the cause of your partner’s infidelity, you have all my sympathy.
Even you can’t stop your partner from cheating, no matter how hard you try.
You don’t have to change a single thing about you. You deserve better, just the way you are. That your partner cheated on you is not your fault even if they say so and even if you are perfectly aware that you could have done many things differently. You did not make your partner cheat you.
Cheating is your partner’s personal reaction to how he experiences his life and your relationship. You are not responsible for the experiences and behaviour of another adult.
If you feel insecure or uncertain, read The (R)evolution for Love book or be in touch with me. I understand what you are going through. I will support you.
In my book, I will help you analyse what the causes for cheating were
You who cheated on your partner, you have my sympathies, too. Cheating is common, but the mistakes we make are there to be learnt from. You are not alone with your problem and you can solve that problem just like the rest of us who work on unlocking our lives for richer love.
Life is a journey that can be taken only one step at a time. Stumbling or a spectacular and painful fall will not spoil the bright and rewarding view in front you. Everything is possible for you, even if you have been a cheating and lying lowlife. You may want to call yourself by all the names that your partner or lover call you at a moment of frustration and anger and you may want to bitterly blame yourself if you feel unable to leave either of the persons you love.
Be in touch if you need support in finding a way towards a better life. I’m here for you. I can help you figure out why you have the need to cheat. Or do you already know? Can you already manage your emotions and impulses so that you will no longer feel the need to cheat?
Whichever of the three in your triangle you happen to be, I encourage you to act out of love, not out of fear. You have oceans of love to give and you are entitled to received genuine love as much as your heart can hold. You deserve love. You can let go of your fears. I will help you when the time is right for you. We are all incomplete and flawed in our own way. Problems are only waiting to be solved at a suitable moment. This is the basis for the gentle but firm solution-centred approach of the (R)evolution for Love book:
Cheating is easy for those who find it difficult to say NO
One of the typical causes for cheating is excessive need to please. However, this may lead to reactions and actions that are far from pleasing or loving. It can lead to celibacy in a relationship as well as cheating.
The first thing for the “yes man” or the “yes woman” to learn, if they want to leave their partner, is to say NO. This is difficult to a person to whom this does not come naturally, and this is why these lovely domestic goddesses and Mr Nice Guys cheat their partners as much as anyone else. Excessive need to please leads to self-deception as your own values give way to other people’s will or temptations.
Most of us want to have sex in our relationships. If any of the elements that are typically seen as fundamental to a relationship is missing, such as sex in whichever form one wants to have it, many see this as reasons enough to embark on an extramarital affair or two. If you find detaching yourself from the tangle of affairs difficult, the first step is to learn to say NO. To be able to say NO, we must be aware of our own values and goals – the things to which we want to say YES. Happily, this is something you can learn in many ways, including with a professional coach. Be in touch if you need tips on how to find the right coach for you.
I have dedicated a whole chapter to this theme in my book, The (R)evolution for Love, entitled “Let’s talk about sex”. Take a look if you are interested in having sex in or outside your relationship! If you feel apprehensive about suggesting an open relationship with your partner, read the articles about open relationships here in (R)evolution for Love blog.
Infidelity and the collected excuses: What do you think is a good reason to cheat? Why is it so difficult to stop cheating?
Just like analysing the root causes for cheating, trying to stop cheating is hard work. But it is possible! Cheating is difficult to stop if you can’t talk about it to anyone who is able to discuss the thoughts behind cheating openly and honestly.
Cheating hurts. The reason for cheating may be the fear of breaking up. Breaking up is scary if you see it as a failure.
What is at the bottom of cheating? Why does one mistake lead to a pattern of infidelity?
Cheating feels shameful if you are not willing to talk about it. Being honest about a problem means that you have to admit that you have some challenges regarding your unconscious thoughts, beliefs and emotions. You have to admit that you are incomplete, you don’t always understand yourself let alone the reasons for your actions. If you have a perfectionist streak this can be painful. We all have a side to ourselves that we don’t want to see or look at. However, this side will not go anywhere, no matter how much we ignore it.
We all hide a multitude of beliefs. Some of these beliefs support us while others lead us astray. We choose to hurt ourselves even if we’d like to think that we know what we are doing and mean well – at least to ourselves.
The first step in admitting to having a problem that you can’t resolve on your own is to face the problem of thinking that cheating is the actual problem. It is vital that you understand the reasons for cheating in your specific case.
Have you cheated on your partner, or were you cheated on? Or are you the third wheel who gets the blame for cheating?
Cheating is common and surprisingly easy for many men and women. Every case of cheating has its own, unique causes. For many cheaters, it is just a bit of fun, because they don’t know any better.
For you to know better, and to choose better in the future, read the article: CHEATING: One night stand. A secret affair. Another woman. A third wheel. In this article, I talk about the possible ways to act when you find yourself cheated on or cheating or want to stop your partner from cheating. I also shed light on how common cheating is and why people don’t get caught.
For more inspiration in love life and motivation to life changes, read the book (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up. It’s available now also in Amazon worldwide, and you can read about it here.
Wishing you all the best in love,
your coach Kati
Clinical hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer