Housework can be the biggest reason for couples to fight or even to break up. It could just as well be a source of wellbeing. Like sex.
Many mothers who are near collapse under constant stress find solace in wiping down table tops. Putting away toys and folding laundry can be rewarding. Maintaining an external order brings a momentary relief to internal chaos. And the cleaning fanatics can just as well be men.
The role of the fanatic often includes the bitterness about the partner ‘s lack of effort. And as if that weren’t enough, they also have the annoying habit of creating mess at a drop of a hat. It is like there were just lots of children in the family and only one adult, who tries to keep the house from not falling apart.
Housework can be the worst cause of disagreement in a relationship and even cause for break ups. But well-managed housework can also be a source of peace and wellbeing.
Just like sex.
This blog post will give tips on how to share housework. It will also share many insights into how housework and holistic wellbeing can be combined.
They say that as long as there are no quarrels about housework there will probably also be some sex. But is that so?
Is it worth throwing the entire relationship away just because somebody didn’t take out the rubbish?
You can see housework as a problem for your relationship and an obstacle to sex. But it can also be something that could save both. Would you like to learn to see housework in a more positive light and to enjoy both housework and sex? A simple change in perspective and a few mental exercises will help.
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You want to believe “this is just the way you are”. In your internal dialogue with yourself, you constantly convince yourself how important cleanliness and a beautiful home are. But are you also noticing that the beautiful and clean home still hasn’t brought that inner harmony to your home, your relationship, or yourself, no matter how you try?
Dust if you must
Stop trying too hard. Teach yourself to focus on matters that are more relevant to harmony, happiness and wellbeing in your relationship. You will find that you are arguing a lot less about housework. You could focus, for example, on your sex life.
Don’t be so afraid! Your home will not end up in total chaos even if you let go a little. I am not asking you to never to touch your vacuum cleaner or magic sponge again. It’s not about what you consider necessary housework and which one of you does more of it. It is about how and when you do them. After reading this article, I hope you’ll find a way of trying new ways to go about housework or encourage your spouse to do their share.
How can you stay in touch with your inner harmony even if, after a long day, you arrive home that looks like a bomb went off and you have to start tidying the first thing? Believe it or not, you can learn not to scream at your children for creating a mess. Equally, your children can learn to put things back where they belong. You can learn how to motivate your spouse to do housework. Your spouse can learn to spot the types of mess that ruins your sex life.
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Housework and sex – what do they have in common?
Since we apparently think about sex all the time, let’s start from it! From my point of view, housework and sex are closely interlinked. Not just for the “work first then play” principle, but in many other ways, too.
Some couples argue about the quantity and quality of sex. Other fight about amount of housework and how it should be done. These arguments have similarities. So why not use the same methods to solve both. How do you talk to your spouse about the uneven burden of housework. How do you correct them if they don’t do the housework properly? You may find the answer to this challenging situation by thinking how you would raise the topic of sex?
When having sex, we are advised to tell our partner what we enjoy and which way of touching feels especially pleasurable. We won’t just say “no, don’t do that” if they happen to try something we don’t like. You want to guide and encourage, not criticise.
The same method could work when it comes to housework: don’t focus verbally or otherwise on what went wrong, and instead praise them for what they did right. Of course, you can always show them how it’s done. Just make sure you avoid unnecessary drama and don’t act condescendingly.
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Flirt your partner into vacuuming or lovingly admire their bottom as they are mopping the floor. Make household chores something fun you do together and show your partner how you enjoy getting it done. Trust your partner’s willingness to give you pleasure in both housework and sex, and playfully guide them to join you in both of those activities.
Change your tactic from nagging to something much nicer
Are you regularly complaining to your spouse, your children, your friends, and yourself about how little housework anyone else does? Change the record. Turn housework into a shared family time.
Listening to your own inner critic inside your head or speaking aloud is only going to hurt yourself. If you keep talking about the problem, your subconscious will start to believe that your problem is really too big and can’t be helped… Stop your negative thoughts from spiralling and swap your self-suggestion speech for something more positive.
At least stop spoon-feeding gendered and restrictive beliefs to your children, who are still very sensitive to ideas. These beliefs of yours were formed in your childhood and youth and are probably no longer relevant. Break the cycle of your family and be the one who lets things change. Do this for your own, your partner’s and your children’s sake.
Just for the sake of argument, let’s picture a situation where you don’t want to have sex but your partner does. Would it help you get turned on if you had to listen to your partner cajoling you into having sex.
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Would a lengthy rant on how you never have enough sex and even if you do it only happens if they ask for it be a turn on? Or would you be more likely to have sex after some playful and loving invites? What do you think would be a clever way to lure your partner into doing some chores with you?
Competing about housework will kill your relationship: how to share housework equally?
Do you compete with your partner about which one of you does more housework? Which one of you was the last one to vacuum or take out the rubbish? And why does your partner never do anything?
According to traditional approach, the woman nags at the man who does not do their share of housework. However, the tables have turned. It is no longer unheard of for men to be the one responsible for the home and nagging at their partner. Sometimes we are lost for ways of getting our children involved in housework. It is important that everyone in the household does their bit. That way nobody needs to feel like a victim and play the martyr card.
A simple way of ending the arguments about housework is to make a conscious effort to share housework fairly. The manner of sharing can be a fixed arrangement or change as situations change:
Fixed arrangement
You can agree that one of you is always in charge of cooking and the other one of doing the dishes. “Always” does not have to mean till the end of time. It can mean “this month”, for example. You can agree that one of you is always in charge of cooking and the other one of doing the dishes. “Always” does not have to mean till the end of time. It can mean “this month”, for example.
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Children can be given their own tasks that they are responsible for. Of you can divide your home into zones: I take care of the kitchen, you of the living room and children’s bedrooms…”. If somebody gets fed up with their tasks, you simply have a normal household meeting as if you were a workplace. Agree on a new division of tasks that you will stick to for the time being.
The good thing about a permanent arrangement is that everyone knows what they are supposed to do. Note that a shared responsibility easily turns into nobody’s responsibility. When each family member’s responsibilities are fixed, everyone can get on with them automatically without having to think about it.
Temporary arrangement
If you don’t think a permanent division of duties will work for you, you can always use the tried and tested table of housework and tick boxes. Sharing housework in a family with children is easier is you introduce the traditional to so lists. It is a list of all the chores divided between family members. Everyone ticks a box once they have completed a task. Such a ready-made to-do list will help everyone remember to do different their different tasks, and every box ticked shows them how fairly the housework has been divided each week or month.
Tyrannical monitoring of housework duties is counterproductive
When sharing household chores fairly between family members, consider each other’s interests and schedules. If one of the parents works nights and sleeps in the morning it is not reasonable to ask them to walk the dog in the morning or do the morning school run. If, on the other hand, one of the parents usually gets home from work later than the other one, it is only fair is someone else takes care of the cooking.
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Fair sharing of housework does not have to mean equal division of every single task, every single day. The roles do not have to be identical. Everyone needs to be flexible to that you both can take care of all of your commitments. On the other hand, you both also have the duty to look after your family and your relationship. This can mean that you have to limit your responsibilities outside the family.
Nobody’s perfect
Remember that there is no such thing as perfection. Not at work, not at home, not for your outside commitments. Don’t put any extra pressure on your family because of your other commitments. You chose to take them on. It’s not fair to then offload your stress on your family and accuse them of not pulling their weight. It is your duty to ensure that you don’t bite off more than you can chew. It is not fair that your family should carry the burden for your miscalculations.
Housework is the classic cause for relationship problems. While one is overachieving and nagging, the other one underachieves and tries to escape. Both feel guilty about their own inability to amicably solve the question of shared housework. Ultimately, it is a communication problem. Passive aggressive silent treatment or nasty nagging can eventually lead to a chilly atmosphere and a sexless relationship.
If you also don’t talk about the emotional coldness and lack of sex in your relationship, the autopilot of your unconscious mind has already driven you to the verge of separation or your partner to someone else’s arms.
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Practical tips to easier sharing of housework and happier sex life
Here are some practical tips for sharing housework:
Decluttering and getting rid of clothes and things you don’t need:
Getting rid of excessive amounts of things and clothes means that there are fewer items and laundry lying around the house. This means less distressing clutter and mess. With fewer items, which all have their own place, keeping the house tidy is much easier.
Did you know that with having to spend less intellectual energy on dealing with the sensory overload of too much clutter, you will have more energy for sex! When the journey to the bedroom does not go over and around mountains of clothes and stuff, getting in between the sheets is quicker and easier.
Vacuuming, dusting and wiping down surfaces is meditative.
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If you clean the house in a frenzy, that alone can raise your blood pressure. Learn to clean and tidy up the house in a pleasant state of flow. Listen to calm, meditative music. Keep your movements calm vacuuming and relax as you immerse yourself in the moment.
The tables can be wiped down with slow, relaxed movements, following the gentle rhythm of calming music. Or…put on some sexy classic hits and shake your butt to the rhythm and get on with the housework with a spin. I bet you any money your partner will get up from that couch and help you finish up quickly so you can move on to the bedroom to mess up some sheets!
Get down to a thorough spring clean while listening to inspiring podcasts, audiobooks or online courses.
inspiring podcasts, audiobooks or online courses. Even the grubbiest of cleaning job gets done almost unnoticed of you focus on the interesting topic you are listening to. If both you and your partner concentrate on your own choice of programme through earphones, you will be probably finishing your tasks happy and inspired. After the job well done, you can relax and talk about what you were listening to. Or listen to the same audiobook and make it a shared, intimate experience. Being generally energetic and enthusiastic about life in general will also boost your sex life.
Self-hypnosis: Make yourself soothing porridge to calm yourself in the morning and cook a nice meal to chill out in the evening.
As a clinical hypnotherapist and NLP Trainer, I encourage you to take advantage of everyday situations to achieve a state of flow, a relaxing state of trance.
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If you have read my blog for some time, you will know that we are all in a natural state of trance at least for a brief moment every morning and evening, but often also during the day and also, for example, while commuting. In addition to housework, you can turn any similar daily situation into a hypnoid, relaxing space for yourself.
Instead of stressing yourself through a quick breakfast on the run, consciously focus on every moment of preparing your first meal to the day. For example, when making yourself porridge, stir it slowly and watch how the porridge nicely thickens. Simply allow yourself to focus on that slowly bubbling porridge, breathe slowly and relax. Give yourself a peaceful morning that will set a good tone for the rest of the day. At the same time, you avoid burning your porridge and the first burst of anger!
In the same way, make cooking your dinner a peaceful shared moment with your partner and your children. The key is to work slowly and focus on one thing at a time. For example, take a moment to slice that cucumber slowly and meticulously.
If your sex life is not great because you get irritated by the mess around the house, learn to put up with the mess.
We use all our senses to create different types of imagery of a situation based on what our different sensory systems deliver to us. These images are not just visual images, but also consist of sounds, smells, tastes and kinaesthetic experiences.
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You may know someone who is exceptionally sensitive to smells or sounds? Or maybe someone you know is famous for feeling itchy or uncomfortable with most fabrics. Similarly, some people are highly sensitive to visual stimuli.
But what do these different sensitivities have to do with housework? Or sex?
In every way.
A visual person, in particular, will spot all those breadcrumbs on surfaces more easily than an auditory type, who imagines, receives information, processes memories and dreams mainly through sound and hearing. On the other hand, a strongly kinaesthetic person may be seriously bothered by breadcrumbs or sand under their feet.
That’s why we react to clutter and disorder in different ways.
Just like when having sex, some prefer a visual stimulus while some want to hear passionate words or breathing and some is turned on by a gentle touch or blow on the skin.
If you want to give pleasure to both yourself and your spouse, find out what your representative systems are what would turn you and your partner on and off when it comes to housework – or sex!
Did you know that even if you are a more visual person than your partner and hence quicker to spot the mess around you, it is not reason for you not to develop yourself? You should also learn to reinforce your other sensory systems and learn the skill of translating annoying visual stimuli into something more positive. Similarly, if your spouse can’t see any mess in your chaos-dominated home, he or she should practice sensitizing your visual senses even a little. You should both do it for the sake of a better relationship and easier sex life!
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Editing your sensory system will help you to put up with clutter as well as enjoy more varied sex. The quickest way to learn more about this topic is to read the true stories and mental exercises in the book (R)evolution of Love.
Housework and sex: Stress management is the secret of a harmonious home and a happy relationship
If you tend to hoard “responsibilities” outside of your home just because you feel like you should and that makes your own housework an extra hassle, think carefully what is going on here. Consider which things in your life are truly “mandatory” and which are dictated by your inner obsessions. If normal housework is too much for you, the problem is probably not about vacuuming the home or that one time too many that you had to load the dishwasher.
Before you start screaming at your partner or your children about cleaning up, declutter and tidy up your own life first.
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If necessary, get a cleaner in and let others do those extra duties that might stroke your ego but in reality only wear you down and eat at your personal and your family’s wellbeing. No volunteering or extracurricular commitment is that important that you should let it drain you and your relationship.
Choosing your battles
Time management, prioritisation and stress management tools can be learned. Take a course or work with a coach that inspires you to see more joy in life. Once you learn to manage your life and stress, you will also find the power to believe in your dreams and make them your inspirational goals.
Make it your goal to see life as meaningful and rewarding and not just a battleground of different responsibilities. It will make it easier for you to make good life decisions that support your wellbeing – and also enjoy some sex while ignoring all those balls of dust! 🙂
Get in touch if you need coach to help you declutter and brighten up your own life – regardless of your relationship status!
I wish you and your entire household a wonderful new day in a home that is harmonious and happy for all.
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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