It has become increasingly common for couples who break up to stay friends. But is friendship between exes really possible in practice? Although it might seem awkward if not impossible to be friends with your ex. You can decide to focus on living in a happier co-existence and true friendship with your ex even after the most difficult of break ups.
What are the makings of a good friendship with the ex? Will it become an obstacle for your new relationship to flourish if you are “too” close with your ex? What if you are still having feelings towards your ex because your friendship with your ex is becoming more comfortable than you expected?
This article talks about being friends with your ex from a number of perspectives. I hope that this article arouses your interest in the related articles I’ve posted.
Is staying friends a measure of the success of your break up and you as a person?
To stay friends is not something you should try and achieve just because you feel you should. Just because it has become culturally acceptable and expected to be “happily divorced”.
FREE EBOOK ‘I love you but…’ – To Break Up or Not to Break Up?
Refocus your energy now to improve your love life! This FREE ebook ‘I love you but…’ will help you move towards a better relationship or
It is only natural that you want to follow the good example of others. This includes your relationship we maintain with your ex. However, don’t let good examples become an obligation. Most people want to divorce or break up from a partner “happily”. However, always remember that “happy” can never be defined from outside yourself.
It often happens that ex partners stay quite close as friends in the first few years after the break up, but eventually drift further apart.
In fact, this can happen in all friendships.
It is equally natural not to be in touch with an ex initially after parting ways. Only years later, for whatever reason, your paths may cross again and it will feel natural to be friends.
Whatever your current relationship with your ex is like, the main thing is that it is in line with your needs and hopes. You may need a complete break from your ex and you have every right to stay away from them for the rest of your life if you want to. In the same vain, you should also respect your ex’s needs and wishes.
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However, if you want to learn about what makes it possible and worthwhile to stay friends with your ex, this article is for you. I have gathered the realisations of several people based on authentic experience. Which I hope will help you build the kind of relationship with your ex that works for you. For more real-life stories, read my book (R)evolution for Love.
How to be friends with your ex naturally.
This article discusses a range of issues related to staying friends with your ex. Which many who are considering about or have been through a divorce or break up might be wondering about.
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Is it a good idea to stay friends?
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And even if I want to stay friends but they keep on being nasty, how is it possible to build a relationship based on friendship?
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Am I a bad person if I choose not to stay in touch with my ex and actually hate their guts?
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How close should I stay with my ex?
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Why should I stay friends with my ex? What good will that be to anyone?
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When is it best not to stay friends with your ex?
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How to build a relationship with my ex based on friendship?
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What if one of us wants to keep in touch and the other one doesn’t?
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How do I manage to stay in good terms with my ex for years to come?
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What to do if your feelings are rekindled?
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How would my ex’s new partner feel if we stay really good friends?
“Am I a bad person if I can’t stay friends with my ex?”
We are all free to choose our friends. This goes for your ex as well. You can choose to stay or not to stay friends with them, whichever feels right. Staying friends with the ex should not be a cause for stress and. There is no need to try and live a seemingly perfect life after your break up.
TO BREAK UP OR NOT TO BREAK UP? Should I stay or should I go?
How do you know if you should leave or not. How to make the decision to break up or to improve your relationship? To break up or not?
We all want to be the best person we can be and everyone wants a divorce or break up that ends well. However, how “well” you break up is not a competition. How other couples broke up is their business and should not serve as a benchmark that you should reach or exceed. I’m sure, breaking up alone is challenging enough without extra pressures.
Friendships can’t be forced. They evolve from freedom and love. Every break up that reflects the hopes and wishes and personalities of the two partners is a successful break up. Sometimes this means staying close friends with your ex, sometimes a more neutral and distant relationship.
Why should I stay friends with my ex?
If you have things that you need to take care of together, and you can stay friends, it will make matters easier. If you don’t have shared assets following the divorce or break up, these things are mainly to do with children.
Every adult person is entitled to raise their children within the boundaries of the law, their values and principles. It follows that ex-partners need not necessarily agree on every single parenting principle. Having parents that get along with each other is always a priority for the children and their wellbeing. This doesn’t mean that the parents are “forced” to stay friends with their ex. Neutral, respectful relations are perfectly sufficient.
When should you break up? Find out if you should stay together.
When is it pointless to stay together? When would you be better off breaking up? How do you know if you should break up or stay together?
Agreeing on matters concerning the children is easier if the parents can at least respect each other’s opinions and views. Making decisions concerning together in good spirit does not require a close friendship between the parents.
Ex-partners need to agree on everything, and both homes can have their own set of house rules. Friendship between ex partners is like any other friendship. Both respect each other’s habits and preferences and do not try to force the other person to think or act like themselves. Life after breaking up does not require symbiotic existence with the ex. Even if the ex and their new partner would expect or wish for that.
If you are able to remain in good terms with your ex, your own life and your children’s life will of course be easier.
However, being in good terms does not have to mean close friendship. It depends on the dynamic of the relationship that ended. And the established behaviours between the partners during the relationship. Whether a friendship is a workable option or it will save everyone’s energy just to settle for a cordial relationship without expecting a deeper friendship.
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Every friendship evolves from zero into a relationship that meets the needs and hopes of both parties. Therefore, becoming a friend with your ex starts from zero after your intimate relationship ends. You can’t assume that your ex wants to stay friends with you. It is not your place to show disappointment if, for any reason, they wish to keep your relationship more distant.
Being friends with your ex is a choice not a necessity.
Being able to stay friends is not as such either good or bad. The value of any relationship is determined by its substance and the joy that both parties to the friendship can derive from it. Your value or accomplishment as a human being is not in any way linked with your relationship with your ex. Be it a close friendship or a distant association with a person with whom you once had children.
The breaking up process should be handled as its own process and not be burdened by added obligations of having to remain friends with the ex. (Although you will have to cooperate to a degree if you share children).
The measure of the success of your break up is not in how actively the partners stay in touch afterwards. In fact, there are no external yardsticks for measuring the success or failure of a break up and divorce. The only indicator of how good a relationship is is how the persons involved feel about it. And how authentic and stable that relationship is.
Maintaining neutrally positive and respectful attitude towards anyone we encounter in this world is important – including towards your ex.
Even if your friends are close with both ex partners, you have every right to feel good about not having to be in touch with you ex ever again. Unless it’s to do with the kids.
THE FEAR OF BREAKING UP: “I’m too ashamed to leave.”
Some people stay in an unhappy relationship because of the shame and fear of breaking up. Break-up fear and and shame is common. Why?
However, you should be able to maintain a neutral and respectful attitude towards them, even if you can’t accept all their choices. Your ex is no less of a human being than anyone else just because they happened to be your partner at one point in time.
That’s why you should manage to stay at least neutral and respectful towards them – just like you are polite towards a cashier at the supermarket or a builder installing your new furniture.
If you feel deep anger and hatred towards your ex, that emotion tells more about you than them: you have strong emotions that you have not been able to let go even though your relationship is over. Process your divorce or break up properly with yourself and set yourself free of anger.
Many of us have been raised to never show our “negative” feelings, such as hatred and envy.
However, all emotions are “just” emotions. They are neither “good” or “bad”. Every emotion is a relevant message from your subconscious, and your job is to listen at least to yourself, if not anyone else.
If you feel anger towards your ex but are not particularly angry towards cashiers at the supermarket or builders working at your house, take a look in the mirror. You are probably also harbouring other equally important emotions alongside anger that you should make room for on a conscious level. You have probably used this tactic of numbing your emotions in other life situations as well. There are probably many more people tangled up in the tentacles of your anger besides your ex.
SIGNS OF A BREAK UP: How to tell if my partner is going to leave me?
What are the typical signs of a breakup? How to spot the signals of an imminent separation or divorce? Is my partner going to leave me?
If you want to be free of your ex, whom you hate so much, your first step is to let go of that powerful emotional bondage within yourself. Once you have achieved that, it will be possible to feel at least neutral respect towards your ex, if nothing else. You may also come to realise that you and your ex could maybe one day interact as friends – should you be ready to do so.
Perfectionism is the enemy of friendship
Whether you are in a relationship, going through a break up or settling in your post-relationship life, there is no reason to aim at perfection just to be a good enough person and an ideal ex-partner to some imaginary audience. You had your reasons to break up – even if you weren’t initially aware of them – and breaking up literally means one unit becoming two units.
This means you must first learn to let go of your ex and become separate before you can grow closer again and even become friends.
Don’t fake being friends with your ex just because it’s trendy or would make you look good in other people’s eyes. Everyone must have the right and opportunity to build a life they want with the people with whom they want to be around, share values and interests and feel happy.
Letting go of anger: How to defuse your anger towards your ex?
Deep pent-up anger can be defused. Where does the hatred towards an ex come from? How to free yourself from it? Learn anger management.
It is a waste of our precious time to keep smiling like Mona Lisa just because your ex and their new partner expect you to all the while they keep violating your personal boundaries. When I wrote by book (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up, some thought that the “brilliant” refers to staying best friends with your ex no matter what. But that is not what genuine wellbeing is about, is it?
It is trendy to stay friends with your ex even if it’s not easy – especially when you are still going through the transition.
The relationship between exes can continue to be close even if there is no longer physical intimacy and both are starting to build their new lives separately. More and more people would prefer still being in good terms with their ex, and to some outsiders this can be difficult to accept:
"People were doubting if we had really split up properly because I told them that we were still great friends."
Even if you don’t have to stay friends with your ex, many choose to be. If both ex-partners genuinely enjoy each other’s company, it is only natural that they should be able to stay in close touch even after they stop being a couple.
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However, even if you wish to stay friends and actively keep in touch with your ex, you should also be sensitive to their wishes. Don’t take offence if your ex wants to keep their distance to you and your new partner.
Giving them the space they need is a sign of respect and sometimes quite necessary. Just like you probably don’t force your company on any other friends of yours, you should not assume to be best friends with your ex if the feeling is not mutual.
Everyone wants to choose who they want to be close with or stay away from depending on their life situation.
And situations and feelings change of course. One of my interviewees told me that their relationship with their ex had to be a bit distant to honour the wishes of their new partner but once the new relationship was over, they could grow closer again as friends.
Relationships come and go while friendships tend to be more long lasting. If you are able to build a true friendship with your ex, that friendship may outlive the new relationships of either partner. However, keep in mind that your ex might want to step back and it has nothing to do with you but rather your new partner.
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Your ex and your new partner may learn to get along over time or they won’t. There is no point worrying about anything else except your own happiness in your relationship and with your various friends.
Friendship with an ex changes over time
Your approach towards being friends with your ex may change in the years following your break up as both of you live your own lives, which may take you to completely different directions. That your friendship felt natural and easy right after breaking up, you both will enter new stages in life and meet new people, which may change the dynamic completely. Do let your ex to change their mind and don’t take offence if they distance themselves from you after a while.
Sometimes your separate lives simply turn out to be so different that even if you both wish to stay friends the practicalities of your lifestyle, your choices, your new partners can mean that become too difficult to maintain that friendship. Sometimes people grow apart and move on in completely different directions.
It is completely possible that your steak-loving ex turns into a passionate vegan over the years and with the influence of a new partner.
Understand that you don’t have to value the same things as your ex currently does.
And likewise, your ex has the right to change their preferences and priorities. Just like love, friendship needs freedom to survive.
Be aware of the impact of stress on your relationship
Stress symptoms and the impact of stress. If you have to manage you partner’s stress, yours is not a love but a care relationship.
All friendships evolve through life: we may lose touch with our childhood best friends and the friends we make as adults may take their place as friends for life. If you have children, you often make friends with other likeminded parents whose kids go to the same school or use the same playgrounds as yours.
When ex-partners start following their own paths towards a new life and new partners or social circles the bond between the two exes must stretch or possibly even break. You can stay friendly with your ex even if you no longer share much. Just like meeting with a childhood friends after decades, either you no longer feel any connection or then you simply pick up where you left off.
In a similar way, allow your relationship with your ex take its natural course.
You can stay friends with you ex even after a painful break up
A friendship between ex-partners is possible only once both parties understand that their relationship as a couple if over. Don’t pretend to be a friend in the early painful stages after the break up. Making it safely through the process usually takes its fair share of anger and tears.
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If you have discussed and prepared together for the break up while still together, and you are both emotionally in a safe place, you may be able to seamlessly transition into a respectful friendship if that is what both of you want. Sometimes, even if neither of you no longer feels anger or hurt and you both agree that splitting up was the best solution, there is no wish or ability to stay friends.
Even if you wish to be a good friend to your ex and support them, don’t impose yourself on your ex more than is good for them.
If, for example, you feel guilty and ill-at-ease about your role in the break up, don’t offer to support your ex in their new life more than would be natural just to make yourself feel better. Sometimes being too supportive is counterproductive. Helping your ex in practical matters is kind but becoming their therapist will only complicate the healing process for the both of you.
Even is the decision to break up was mutual and both are happy with it, the new life only begins to take shape once you actually live on your own and embark on your new single life. It will take flexibility from you both when new partners step into the picture. Just like any other relationship, including marriage, friendship with the ex is tested when lives change.
How to stay friends with an ex when new partners step in?
Many expect their friendship with their ex to fade away when the new partners step in. This need not be the case: we are all free to choose how we feel about such situations.
Many are happy that their ex has found new happiness with another person. In fact, a new partner may make the friendship less strained.
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According to one person I interviewed for the book (R)evolution for Love said that things became a lot easier once the ex found a new partner six months from the divorce. This person had been worried that the ex would take the children move back to their old hometown, which was quite far away, but instead chose to settle in the area having found a new partner there, which meant that the kids would stay close as well.
My book has several true stories of similar situations. To read more, order the book online either as an e-Book for immediate reading or as a paperback. For reader reviews, read this article: THANK YOU! Reader feedback: tears of sadness and sometimes of laughter 🙂
New partners will learn to accept the close friendship between exes if that’s what both exes want.
If your children’s other parent and your new partner don’t get along, it is up to you to manage the situation.
While every adult person is responsible for their own behaviour and communication, the person caught in the middle can’t just walk away from a problem situation. Neither your ex not your new partner should have to be friends if that does not come naturally to them. You can stay friends with your ex and love your new partner without the two having to become best buddies. Neutrally positive attitude is enough – remember how we are polite to supermarket cashiers and builders 🙂
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Housework can be the biggest reason for couples to fight or even to break up. It could just as well be a source of wellbeing. Like sex.
If you don’t take responsibility in that situation, you are either rejecting your new partner or disloyal to your ex as a friend. If you want the two to get along, it is important that you act diplomatically as the mediator.
Or alternatively, just leave the situation be. There’s no need for them to be friends if that’s not what they want. However, that your new partner and your ex don’t get along does not mean you have to take sides. With healthy self-confidence, you are confident enough to handle being caught in the middle. Don’t let other people’s opinions of each other determine how you build your own relationships. Stand on your own two feet.
If you can’t be friends with your ex, what is the minimum level of communication you should be capable of?
Sometimes your relationship with your ex or their new partner can be difficult. Even if you wish to be friends in theory, sometimes it simply won’t work in reality. The important thing is to aim at neutral communication between those involved and to focus on matters that really need to be addressed. Concentrating on the essential saves everyone time and energy. Once each party learns that the most important practicalities can be agreed on without arguments and crossing anyone’s boundaries for a year or two, maybe the relations will slowly improve with time.
As a rule, you should be able to agree on any essential matters to do with your children. The discussions, including arguments, about children should stay between the children’s parents. Both parents should take into consideration the needs and opinions of their respective new families. But when coordinating the different practices of various blended families, the focus should be on the children. Matters should always be agreed on between the children’s own parents.
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Parents must take responsibility for agreeing on the children’s matters with their ex. Communication should be constructive and successful with the step-parents as well. If not, the main thing is for the parents to jointly agree on matters concerning their shared children.
If you can’t be friends with your ex’s new partner and your relationship in a gridlock, seek professional help.
It is the parents’ job to agree on the matters concerning their children and you can’t delegate the communication responsibilities to your new partner. No matter how difficult communicating with your ex is.
If you and your ex can’t agree on the genuinely important matters concerning your children between yourselves, the best thing is to contact family counselling or child welfare services for help. Consulting these services does not mean you have to become friends with your ex. Their role is simply to make sure from the legal point of view that the necessary matters have been agreed upon. The aim is not to take sides between parent, as this would be against the best interests of the child. Child welfare services look after the best interests of the child if the parents are unable to agree on necessary matters in a positive spirit.
Some parents are afraid of turning to child welfare services or use that possibility as a threat against the other parent. This is completely wrong, as the aim of the child welfare officers is to support the parenting of both parents and they will not take sides.
Why do partners with incompatible sex drives blame each other?
Why doesn’t my partner want to have sex? What to do if my lack of interest in sex is a problem? How can I have a higher sex drive?
If your ex is trying to blackmail or manipulate you or is behaving passive-aggressively by not responding to your messages about your children, do not stoop to their level. Contact child welfare professional and focus on dealing with the facts and don’t let your ex manipulate you into a rage.
It may simply be that your ex who seems incapable of responding to your messages promptly and politely is going through a painful process. And is expressing their feelings through such infantile behaviour. Rise above the situation. You can’t make your ex to see a therapist but you can ask for local authorities to help with agreeing on practicalities and other essential matters concerning your children.
You can be friends with your ex even if they are sometimes annoying
All friends will have arguments and sometimes they even fall out. Your ex is no exception.
Even if you and your ex get along like a house on fire, sometimes negative emotions would surface. Especially if they used to irritate you a lot when you were still a couple. Being friends takes compromise from both of you.
"Although we get along much better now as friends and when we bring the kids to each other’s houses we stop to chat this and that, after fifteen minutes I start getting restless, ‘Right, it was nice to see you but I gotta go."
We all have different types of friends. With some friends you want to go on a long trip together while others are better enjoyed in smaller portions.
Even if you think it’s a great idea that you and your ex and the kids spend weekends at the summer cottage or travel abroad for a holiday together as a family, your ex might disagree. For them, having a nice chat on the phone a couple of times a year to coordinate and agree on the children’s matters may be enough. That, too, is friendship and a demonstration of neighbourly love.
Don’t compare friendships. All your friends are valuable. Even those more distant friends with whom you speak less often because your different life situations or other reasons.
Can you fake friendship with your ex?
Perhaps you already practiced your “fake it until you make it” method during your relationship. Who knew that skill might one day come in handy. For example, if your ex still annoys the hell out of you but you should keep the conversation civil and not be provoked by their behaviour, faking it might be the answer.
Force yourself to smile a couple of times and take secret pleasure of your ex actually believing you. Who knows you will soon both be smiling for real! White lies are perfectly acceptable. If it means that, after your first negative gut reaction, you say you are ok with some practical arrangement your ex suggests if this does not really make any real difference to you and your life. How about giving in occasionally, even if you know you are right or at least more right than your ex?
Is the most important thing in a relationship love? Sex? Intimacy?
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Winning a battle but losing a war is never a good strategy. Don’t provoke your ex in matters that are irrelevant. Or push your luck when it comes to splitting your assets just to gain a petty sum of money. Risking good relations with your ex is not worth it. Friends don’t go after each other’s money or play with each other’s feelings. If you want to be friends with your ex, stop playing games. Be honest and be fair.
Of course, at the time of going through the process of breaking up, staying friendly is a lot more difficult than after the dust has settled.
You don’t have to see your ex nearly as often as you did during your unhappy marriage. So how about keeping your cool and give each other a chance to adapt to the new situation and learn to interact naturally and without pressure? A confident person is ready to support other people’s confidence by giving them space and seeing good in everyone. Especially when it feels difficult and counterintuitive.
- For whom am I faking it?
- Whose acceptance am I trying to win?
- Why do I need to keep up appearances in my relationships and friendships?
- What do I really feel towards my ex?
- What type of friendships do I really want to build and sustain?
Why do arguments between a couple follow a pattern?
How can you stop arguments with your partner from following a certain pattern? Why do we fall in love with the “wrong person”?
Is positive thinking always helpful?
Sometimes positive thinking and relying on willpower in building friendships can become toxic. Read more about this topic in the following posts.
Never sell yourself short just to pretend to be friends with your ex. Despite them or their new partner repeatedly treating you badly to your face or behind your back.
Faking positivity is counterproductive also if you are pretending to be happy as newly single and not to be missing your ex at all.
How to be friends with your ex if you still have feelings for them?
Having feelings towards an ex is common when you are still in the middle of building a new happy life for yourself. Ask yourself is it really worth rekindling those emotion or should you concentrate on improving your own wellbeing instead. Perhaps avoid meeting your ex altogether for a while. I wrote extensively on this theme in my book The (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up?.
It is natural that you should have all kinds of feelings towards your ex after breaking up. In addition to anger and sadness, you may also still feel sexual attraction. As well as neutrally positive feelings, which is what a friendship can be based on.
Conscious grieving can dramatically improve wellbeing
What is grieving based on humane, genuinely positive thinking like? How do you practice conscious grieving?
Most sources would recommend that you don’t reveal your confused thoughts and feelings to your ex. To not show your weakness and let them know you still miss them on some level. What would happen to human relationships if all ex-partners could openly admit that what they used to share together sometimes stirs up emotions. Or that the ex’s new relationship hurts even if they were happy for you and were the one who initiated to break up?
Would it be possible to allow yourself and your former lover to feel all those feelings that are a natural part of the separation process and that can be alleviated by talking them through?
Are we allowed to be weak and let it show.
Should you allow yourself to show your grief in front of your ex?
Emotions are only a sign that you want to be authentic and honest with your ex. Even if you both agreed that breaking up was the right thing to do.
True friendship with your ex benefits everyone.
My aim with this article was to inspire you think carefully what kind of authentic relationship you really want to build with your ex. At first, being friends with you ex can feel awkward and difficult. But once you have completed the actual process of breaking up, friendship with an ex is perfectly possible. A relationship that is based on mutual trust can’t be built to please others. Or because you want to be seen as a “better person”.
Friendship is by definition based on openness, fairness and trust. Friendships are built by two people for their own benefit – not as a show for other people to admire. Just like intimate relationships, friendships can’t survive without substance.
(R)evolution for Love – The Book
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In a genuine friendship, both parties get joy and wellbeing from the relationship. There is room for disagreement and voicing painful emotions as well. A healthy friendship between two exes brings out the best in the two. And gives their children the opportunity to grow up in a loving environment without competition, envy and covert attacks behind each other’s back.
A true friendship with an ex is valuable and possible for everyone. However, being friends with your ex is not a goal in itself. Everyone builds their friendships based on their own needs, hopes and values. That’s why there are no ready-made criteria for friendships between exes that they should strive to meet.
Give yourself and your ex the time and freedom you need to build the kind of friendship that comes naturally.
It takes time for you and your ex establish a relationship that comes naturally to you both. Give yourself the freedom to be in control of the types of relationships you want and to make changes in them as well. Give your ex the same freedom to build a life that works best for them. Even if that means that you are no longer part of it.
PATHOLOGICAL JEALOUSY – How much jealousy is too much?
Am I too jealous? What is pathological jealousy? What causes jealousy? Narcissism, jealousy and breaking up.
A relationship is nothing more than an empty space in which the two people bring themselves as they are. Similarly, the friendship between exes also starts from a clean slate. What kind of friend are you or would like to be to your ex.
- Which kind of relationship do you want or need to have with your ex at the moment?
- What does your ex think about that at this time? Have you asked them?
- Also give you and your ex the permission to change and think differently. Whether that means getting closer or more distant to each other.
- Remember that even if you were angry at each other yesterday, you can start building a friendship based on authenticity starting today.
FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX: How do you stay friends with your ex?
Thank you for reading this piece until the very end. And thank you for sharing my blog articles with your friends. Let’s learn from each other and spread happiness together!
I wish you luck building new friendships in your life! Perhaps with your ex 🙂
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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When positive thinking becomes toxic
What is too positive thinking like? Where should we focus the power of our mind and our willpower?
TO BREAK UP OR NOT TO BREAK UP? Should I stay or should I go?
How do you know if you should leave or not. How to make the decision to break up or to improve your relationship? To break up or not?
