When it comes to building lasting relationships, the process is ongoing. No matter how perfectly we match with our chosen partner, we must continue to share mutual effort for the relationship to survive—and thrive. For someone with chronic perfectionism, it’s challenging to keep strong love alive without casting doubt on the situation. In seeking perfection, we risk creating disconnect and doubt. In some cases, this can even lead to marital separation and painful breakups.
To avoid the pain of conflict or an unnecessary split, we must get our perfectionism-loving habits in check. Instead of applying a pressurizing eye of scrutiny to every conversation and moment of conflict, we need to start seeing the true potential of each scenario. Is your partner really messing up this time or are you being pretty fussy on this occasion? These answers could implicate ‘deal or no deal’ for your future love life.
Is my perfectionism making me too fussy?
It can be hard to know whether we are being overly analytical or simply living by our truth. No one likes to feel like they are out of control of a situation. Great relationships should not need for us to feel in the lead position all of the time. It’s okay to take turns once in a while to even the responsibility level out. Power couples work together to compromise and adapt in the appropriate spots. They are not examiners of one another’s behavior—they remain a team.
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Sometimes habit can get the better of us. We stop being conscious of the emotional harm we might be causing our wife or husband. This is due to the fact that we are so used to being around them. Snapping at our loved one for how they stack the dishwasher might not seem significant at first glance. We assume our partner will easily change to fit our perfectionism. But over time it can chip away at the quality and safety of a significant relationship.
How do I know when its them in the wrong, not me?
The key to knowing if it is them or you to blame, is instinct. It’s easy to convince ourselves we’re always in the right to save our egos. It’s not comfortable to admit we might have spoken too soon or treated our loved one unfairly. However, honest self reflection is crucial to healthy relationship behaviors. Taking time to think about the motivations behind our actions really can make all the difference to your romantic life. It’s your tool for romantic strength.
Why do arguments between a couple follow a pattern?
How can you stop arguments with your partner from following a certain pattern? Why do we fall in love with the “wrong person”?
Pay close attention to how your spouse makes you feel on a regular basis. We all have our off days where we say or do the wrong thing. We are all guilty of offloading on to our partner when we have had a difficult day or feel run down. But if your other half is consistently making you feel less than your true worth then this needs addressing sooner rather than later. You deserve to be treated with care and respect no matter how long you have been together.
Turning perfectionism mountains into molehills.
To keep your relationship on the right track, you need to learn how to scale back perfectionism about non-significant issues in order to keep a healthy balance. When we are overwhelmed with stress we are not the best versions of ourselves. Think about your level of reactivity on a bad day. You are more likely to be snappy when you get home. You will also feel less able to handle minor situations of dispute in a calm way. In other words, when we are stressed we are much harder to handle!
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Prevent future disruptions to your relationship by developing a calmer sense of self. Reduce stress within your life to become less susceptible to reactivity. Pay close attention to self care practices, too. Allocate proper time for relaxation and stress-free experiences. Time alone to think without being hassled can often provide greater perspective. From a calmer view point (with much less perfectionism) we see life much more objectively. Nurture yourself to rejuvenate your relationship.
When do opposites not attract?
When we choose a romantic partner, it is often based on how much we have in common with them. Attraction can be a powerful factor in our decision making. But it is the commonality that we find with another person that pulls us in to want more from another person. Dating conversations come alive when we feel secure to share who we are with our spouse. As the relationship progresses, cracks can begin to show. Differences are fine, whereas chaos is not.
Hairline cracks can become significant holes in a relationship. Those small irritations that you’ve started noticing about your spouse due to perfectionism can become disastrous if they aren’t handled properly. It’s both unhealthy and unreasonable to pick up on every small issue. Focus your attention on being open with each other so that you can nip small problems in the bud. Be supportive of one another’s wellbeing by committing to hear each other out. No interrupting!
Should you split up or stay together?
Conflict can lead our minds all too rapidly to the idea of giving up. Have you become overwhelmed by endless lists of deal-breakers? It can then seem like the only option is to break things off for good. Sadly, many great couples end up going their separate ways unnecessarily due to perfectionism. If only they could work together as a team to overcome their issues they could enjoy a long lasting future together. Why lose out on being someone’s blissfully happy wife or husband when all it takes is some better communication and compromise?
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No one feels open to change when they are under attack. When your partner is nagging at you relentlessly you are not likely to want to make positive adjustments to your behavior. During a one-sided argument we might close down our emotions or put up barriers that prevent progression towards resolution. Instead of reeling off someone’s faults, work from a position of support instead. Remind them how important they are to you before tackling any issues. Keep your language respectful and loving in order to access much happier results!
Be forgiving of yourself and your spouse.
Relationships can be hard work at times. You’re never going to get things ‘right’ every time. This is all part of the magic of building a life with someone else. Consider your relationship as an ongoing venture of discovery rather than a perfectionism-rooted tick list of success stories. Let go of your self-limiting fear of failure. Once you are liberated from ‘should be’ you will then be able to see fresh opportunities for connection with your other half.
Be aware of the impact of stress on your relationship
Stress symptoms and the impact of stress. If you have to manage you partner’s stress, yours is not a love but a care relationship.
Be generous with your sense of kindness towards yourself. Don’t dwell on what has not worked in the past. Regrets are toxic elements that you don’t need to carry with you anymore. If an issue has been fixed then move on from it. Avoid bringing up past mistakes (on either part) with your partner. If you find yourself ruminating over past conversations and errors then acknowledge this but promptly switch your thinking. Redirect your thoughts towards positive future planning and present gratitude. You’ll be amazed at how quickly you feel more balanced as a result.
For the chronic perfectionism addicts out there…
It really is hard to change a habit of a lifetime. Many of us want to grip tightly on to past behaviors of perfectionism because they feel so familiar. We are accustomed to nit-picking at small details and it can be hard to quit the habit for good. Sound familiar? You are certainly not alone. But if you want your relationship to be healthy and happy then you need to let go of the anchors that are dragging it down. Give yourself and your partner a chance to enjoy your time together rather than fighting over the small stuff.
Genuine love is worth fighting for. If you can’t imagine being without your wife or husband then do the self-development work that you need to do in order to cultivate a healthier connection between you. Let go of those minor niggles and hiccups. Sweep aside the irritations that your perfectionism makes you obsess over. You likely won’t even remember them in a few days time. Focus instead on the gift of love that you have in your life right now. Enjoy the process of getting to know your partner as you move through life together as a team. What are you waiting for?
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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