A common arrangements after a couple with children divorces is for both parents have the children live with them on alternating weeks. We are calling this 50/50 shared residence. The children have two homes and their clothes and other belongings also travel between two homes. How much coordination this requires is a matter of planning.
The 50/50 shared residence schedule divides opinions. In this article, I will go through some of the pros and cons that the 50/50 schedule has. Would it be easier if the parents moved in and out of the family home on a weekly basis while the children stay put? I hope that this overview of the options helps you make up your own mind what the best alternative for your family is.
Let’s start with the cons 🙂
Isn’t the 50/50 shared residence somehow a “ridiculous, mechanical approach”?
This is how the noted child psychiatrist Jari Sinkkonen criticised the 50/50 shared residence model. He suggested that parents themselves try first what it’s like to change homes every week before asking their children to do it. The underlying assumption was of course that for parents to shuttle between two homes is impossible.
DATING AS A SINGLE PARENT: Children and your dating profile
How to talk about children or dreams of having children in your online dating profile? How to go about online dating as a single parent?
In reality, any arrangement is mechanical and cumbersome if one sees it that way. Daily lives seldom are a simple walk in a park. It’s like doing a jigsaw puzzle. Besides, people are different and comfortable with different types of arrangements. Nobody has the right to judge parents who choose 50/50 shared residence as being stupid or bad parents. What makes having a child live with one parent and occasionally spend a nice weekend with the non-resident parent a superior arrangement? Why is it more in a child’s best interests than shared residence?
While I don’t share the child psychiatrists strongly negative views of the 50/50 living arrangements, I am in favour of his suggestion that parents try out bird-nest parenting as well, although this is not what Dr. Sinkkonen meant with his sarcasm. He seemed to assume that parents wouldn’t last a second changing homes every other week. I have written in more depth about bird-nest parenting in another article. Bird-nest parenting is an arrangement in which the children stay living in the family home while the parents shuttle between two homes.
According to child psychiatrist Sinkkonen, children whose parents have divorced should have only one home they share with the resident parent.
They would then keep contact with the non-resident parent through other means. This is a difficult, in not an impossible idea for many parents to accept. And would it really be in the child’s best interest?
TO BREAK UP OR NOT TO BREAK UP? Should I stay or should I go?
How do you know if you should leave or not. How to make the decision to break up or to improve your relationship? To break up or not?
Dr. Sinkkonen argues that people have the misconception that children “receive parenthood from both biological parent in equal measure. This is not necessarily the case at all.” Of course, the quality and amount of parenthood is not about the length of time the child and the parent spend together. However, I will argue that it is in the best interest of the child and their right to spend equal amounts of time with both parents.
Is the 50/50 schedule suitable for very young children?
Sometimes you can come across expert opinions that shared residence on alternating weeks is not suitable for small children. Other experts say that the situation is not that black and white. In the light of the attachment theory, it is undoubtedly essential that a child feels secure to attach to their carer. However, research has also shown that children are able to form a secure attachment relationships with several carers. These carers don’t have to be the mother of the child, which is the common presumption.
The attachment relationship forms when the child is very young. A secure attachment relationship plays a decisive role in the child’s later development. Security in early childhood sets a person up for life. Similarly, a person who grew up in an the emotionally detached atmosphere may suffer from it long into adulthood.
It is natural for experts to be interested in the wellbeing of the child.
Their professional ambition is to define the factors that make for a secure home for a child. But aren’t parents equally interested in that, too? Home is the people who make the home. Adults who love their children know how to create a loving and secure environment for a child wherever that might be.
Online Coaching
Happy to help you! Welcome to book your online coaching session with the certified Coach, NLP Trainer, and Clinical Hypnotherapist Kati Niemi! Please select your
Home is not the monolithic walls of a house. Home is love and warmth, and even the most palatial of homes with all creature comforts can’t give a child those. It doesn’t matter if it is an intact nuclear family or a broken family. Insecurity comes from parents who are suffering their problems or are in bad terms with each other, perhaps because of an ongoing fight over the title or “main carer”, terrified of giving their children an insecure childhood…
Attachment to the carer makes a child feel secure
A secure attachment relationship is usually not possible if there are constant arguments in the family or if the parents are distant and cold towards the child. Attachment is not dependent on time. A child can form a secure attachment relationship with their grandparent even if they are not around at all times. They may still be the safest adult around. The support and affection they give will still sustain the child into adulthood.
With the 50/50 schedule, the child has the chance to build a secure attachment relationship with both parents. It is essentially a similar scenario if parents are occasionally are working late or on a business trip. Only now the parent lives in another address. What matters is the time spent together. And it is important that the child gets to spend as much time as possible with both parents. If the child has an attachment relationship and feels secure with only one of the parents, the other parent will remain a more distant presence in the child’s life. Obviously, this is a much less satisfactory outcome than an arrangement in which both parents are present to a similar degree. Both parents should be “real parents” and able to meet the child’s needs regardless of “whose week” it is. Or what do you think?
Divorced Men: How to meet single women with confidence
How to meet attractive single women with confidence –No matter how long ago your last date was! Dating engineer’s good tips for divorced men.
Also note that the 50/50 schedule does not have to be based on alternating weeks. As a family you are free to choose any combination of 3–4 day or 2–5 day arrangements. If children are with the mother and father every other weekend respectively, and the weekdays are also split, even very young children are not separated too long from the “primary parent” (if there is one).
Is children’s shared residence “the lesser evil”?
Dr. Sinkkonen does agree that sometimes children’s 50/50 shared residence is “the best of the bad options available and can eliminate continuous arguments between the parents”. Indeed, a cold reconciliation is always better than a heated argument. One should hope that parents can maintain at least neutral relations after divorce or break up. And a neutral, courteous relationship is much better than a chilly, tense atmosphere in a family where parents insist on staying together. Children sense the mood and emotional energy between the parents. Secure attachment can only develop in a home where both parents are happy. Sometimes, the secure happy home is physically split between two locations.
If you feel that you must demand sole custody or have the children with you for most of the time, you are risking a custody battle. Too many mothers and fathers think they are the only suitable parent to their child only because they are mad at the other parent. Too many women are using the children to blackmail the husband. Similarly, too many men are genuinely afraid of losing the children if they leave their mother. Read more about these true-life stories in my book Revolution for Love, for which I interviewed several men and women on their experiences.
In the past, the social services and courts often took the mother’s side.
They might support most unreasonable demands and discriminated against the fathers. However, today’s professionals are trained to focus on the child’s best interests and not what the mother wants. I have also come across stories in which the father has demanded custody just to get back at the mother.
FREE EBOOK ‘I love you but…’ – To Break Up or Not to Break Up?
Refocus your energy now to improve your love life! This FREE ebook ‘I love you but…’ will help you move towards a better relationship or
Clearly, the aim should be for the parents to process their own disappointments and bitterness. They should be able to agree in good spirit with their ex on the children’s living arrangements without using the children or new partners as a go-between. Getting over the bereavement that comes after divorce takes time. Therefore, it is best not to rush into a new relationship on a rebound. It will not patch up the old cracks. The true victims of parents who try to exact revenge on their ex by any means available are the children. And hurting the children hurts both parents.
The arrangement least likely to cause arguments between the parents is the 50/50 shared residence. Custody battles and living arrangements that are a constant cause for animosity are not in anyone’s interest. Overall, the best arrangement for a family is the one that leads to the least arguments. This is in the best interest of the parents and, indeed, the children. And that arrangement can be anything.
What do you think would work best for you, 50/50 or something else?
Dr. Sinkkonen admits to subscribing to a more “conservative line of thinking” in this matter. I don’t see why one should represent any “line of thinking” at all. No single solution suits all. Every family chooses what’s best for them without having to subscribe to a “line of thinking” or ideology that they can then preach to others.
When should you break up? Find out if you should stay together.
When is it pointless to stay together? When would you be better off breaking up? How do you know if you should break up or stay together?
There is a danger in a celebrated expert who start preaching with great authority their black-and-white opinions through the popular press. While the expert may have long experience and be highly knowledgeable in their field, in the end of the day, theirs is still only one view among many. People are sometimes too easily convinced by opinion-leaders. So make sure you never take what I write and suggest as the word of god. Just like you should never read an old or new scientific paper as a “death knell” or “vindication” for your choices and actions.
True science lives in the moment and the social environment it is produced in, and it evolves and develops over centuries, decades, even years.
The scientific community is constantly adding new knowledge in relation to the attachment theory and child development in general. Things change and so “truths” must change, too. Your family can dictate the pace at which things change for you. There are plenty of people today who still believe in theories that have long since been proven wrong. It is completely normal for people to believe in a new scientific finding or the justification of a social phenomenon. This belief can be so strong that it becomes the “truth” for them. This truth serves as a type of safety blanket at times when they have nothing else to hold on to so that they can feel safe.
The internal sense of security of those contemplating or living through a break up is being tried as it is. There is, therefore, no need to add to that load by hitting them on the head with “science” or expertise. The most important thing is to support them in that demanding situation so that they can feel secure in themselves through the turbulent times. Because a person who feels secure is more likely to make good choices.
Thinking about Breaking up? Social Media Reveals Your Thoughts
Thinking about breaking up? Your breakup thoughts – and relationship thoughts overall – might show up on your social media more than you know!
If you are constantly afraid of making mistakes no matter what you do, you will start protecting yourself against the next blow. Shielding yourself from the world like this and, for example, against an ex that you see as a threat is actually going to harm your children the most. It is important to avoid arguments so that both homes are happy homes. Both parents deserve to have the resources to look after the children. Staying together to keep up appearances is doomed to fail.
Personal testimony: there are various models for co-parenting after the divorce that work
Dr. Sinkkonen dared parents to try 50/50 shared residence. The article made is sound like this was the most absurd suggestion ever. And this is a view held by many. Many are also sceptical of children’s 50/50 shared residence. Fearing either option, couples stay together in the drudgery of an unhappy marriage “because of the children.”
I have tried and tested many of the shared residence variations. I have experiences the two-home system after our divorce. To begin with, my ex-husband and I took turns living in our old family house with the kids as bird-nest parents (we had our own adult homes and shared the house where the children lived). For the first three years after our divorce, I stayed single, then met my new partner. Even after that, we continued the shared residence arrangements. There was a point when I actually lived in three places:
- the family house I shared with my ex-husband,
- my own place near my office
- and the place my new partner and I shared a bit further away.
THE FEAR OF BREAKING UP: “I’m too ashamed to leave.”
Some people stay in an unhappy relationship because of the shame and fear of breaking up. Break-up fear and and shame is common. Why?
Even my new partner quite happily shuttled between the three. Nowadays, I have “only” two places to live while my children have three. They split their time between their father’s house, and my two places. In fact, as I’m writing this, we are getting ready to go from one home to another for Christmas and this is not a problem to anyone. All our blended family members love the places they get to call home. It is actually quite normal to have several places that feel like home: granny’s place, summer cottages etc.
Bird-nest parenting works if the parents are willing and able to make it so.
Nit-picking and dwelling on trivial details when there are real lives to live is not a constructive approach. Not in any post-divorce shared residence arrangement nor in a happy nuclear family living the idyll. Of course, the standards of housekeeping vary and some people would never again share a house with their ex if they can help it! And that’s fine too.
Bird-nest parenting is not everyone’s cup of tea and nobody needs to do it if it doesn’t sound feasible. However, I would encourage people to consider the arrangement. It can work and could offer a very good combination of home comforts and freedom without feeling like you live in a hotel. Read more about bird-nest parenting here: Bird-nest parenting: Co-parenting with your ex in the family home: Bird-best parenting: co-parenting with your ex in the family home.
What would be the best model for your family?
Children’s 50/50 shared residence also works if you make it work. When both parents agree on the arrangement and support each other’s parenthood as best they can, even the smallest of children will feel secure and safe with both parents in both their homes.
Great sex while single from Tinder and other dating apps!
The gallery of people on Tinder is as varied as people in general. Happily, every single person can find good sex from Tinder or elsewhere.
Instead of alternating weeks, the 50/50 schedule can be divided into any number of days, as explained above. And the alternating week need not be the calendar week. The changeover day can be any day of the week if that’s what suits everyone. What the most suitable arrangement is depends of the age of the children. The location of the parents’ homes and distance from the nursery, school and hobbies.
I have discussed the practicalities of the various arrangements in more detail in my book (R)evolution for Love.
The book provides plenty of practical examples and peer support on how to organise your life before and after divorce. For two years, I interviewed numerous men and women who live in or have left happy and unhappy relationships. Based on the reader feedback I am convinced that you will also find tons a good ideas, new thoughts and inspiration from the book.
You will find the arrangement that works best for your unique situation. Consider the pros and cons of a different alternatives with an open mind before dismissing any. Listening to other people’s suggestions does not mean who have to follow any of them. But they could help you form your own model that nobody has tried out before. There are so many ways to organise our own and our children’s lives. So don’t feel you have to do what other people have done until you have tried them, either in real life or at least in your imagination. And remember to allow your ex not to be on the same page with you and still achieve an agreement in things that matter the most.
You are the best experts of your life. Only you can decide which, if any, model of shared residence is feasible for you!
Before making any decisions on how and where you and your children will live, learn more about bird-best parenting from this article: Bird-nest parenting: Co-parenting with your ex in the family home.
IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Tips for a better relationship
10 tips for improving your relationship – Here’s how to make an already good relationship permanently better
Nobody else gets to live your and your children’s lives and nobody knows your children better than their parents do. You as parents are also the best experts to resolve the challenges that changing living arrangements bring. Eventually you will find the model that works for you.
Remember that even if you think a certain arrangement would work like a dream for you, your children and their other parent may disagree.
Also accept that your ex and your children can change their minds. However, none of you should change your minds just because change is fun or to irritate each other.
Children’s opinions keep changing, sometimes in quite a quick succession. As they grow up from being toddlers to young teens and then young adults. Remember that patience is key, and even if a family member wants things to change, things don’t have to change there and then. Just think how children can ceremoniously ditch a hobby that they were passionate about only last week. And next thing you know they are again dreaming of going pro. Children change their minds and gradually they may want to make different choices, including the way they split their time between the parents.
You, too, are allowed to change your mind and the way you live as years go by. Your life may change again and again. The living arrangements you agree on are to begin can be changed. What makes you and your children feel secure is knowing that things can change and everything will still be fine.
Just the way that works best for you.
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
“FIVE STARS!” Book reviews: (R)evolution for Love (Amazon Books)
“Five Stars!” Editorial reviews and reader reviews of (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up? Amazon books
FEEDBACK TO LOVE! Reader reviews (Book+Blog)
RELATIONSHIP GUIDE: BOOK REVIEWS – We are blown over by the feedback the (R)evolution for Love relationship blog and guide have received. WOW!
FREE AUDIOBOOK: Audible, Google Play and other stores’ free trial
Audiobook lovers benefit from FREE trial periods of book stores. Enjoy (R)evolution for Love on Amazon Audible, Google Play & other stores
FREE EBOOK ‘I love you but…’ – To Break Up or Not to Break Up?
Refocus your energy now to improve your love life! This FREE ebook ‘I love you but…’ will help you move towards a better relationship or
How to improve your wellbeing through self-development?
Science has revealed: some adults are not mentally sufficiently developed. How to improve your wellbeing through self-development?
Why does our conscious mind question the power of the unconscious mind?
Is the power of the unconscious mind fake news and is trying to harness it to achieve our full potential a waste of time? What do we mean by the unconscious mind?
INFIDELITY and the collected excuses: The good reasons for cheating
CHEATING: What is a good reason to cheat? What do the cheated partner, “the other woman/man” or the cheater choose to believe in?
What is an open relationship? Does it lead to breaking up?
What is an open relationship? Who are non-monogamous open relationships for? Is your partner suggesting consensual non-monogamy?
Narcissism in a Relationship: “How to Know if My Partner Is a Narcissist?”
What are the signs and causes of narcissism? Can you make a relationship with a narcissist work? Can you heal a narcissistic partner?
Aromatherapy for Libido & Romance – The Best Essential Oils for Love
Sense of smell influences our sexual desire and performance. Aromatherapy tips and the best essential oils for romance, libido, sex and love.
When positive thinking becomes toxic
What is too positive thinking like? Where should we focus the power of our mind and our willpower?
TO BREAK UP OR NOT TO BREAK UP? Should I stay or should I go?
How do you know if you should leave or not. How to make the decision to break up or to improve your relationship? To break up or not?
