This blog post covers the various aspects of single parents dating. It focuses especially on how to talk about your children in your dating profile. You need to consider this issue from your own perspective as well as those of your potential date and the children’s other parent. What would be an appropriate way of mentioning your kids in a dating profile? Or should you mention them at all before your first date?
Read more about how to compose a good dating profile for Tinder or any other dating app: A GOOD ONLINE DATING PROFILE: How to create a good online dating profile?
For this blog post, I have compiled my own observations and reflections on the subject.
DATING AS A SINGLE PARENT: Children and your dating profile
This blog post is about dating as a single parent and dating a single parent. I will try and answer the following frequently asked questions:
- Do people usually people indicate in their online dating profile if they have or don’t have children?
- Why should I mention if I have or don’t have children in my dating profile?
- Do I want to have children? Should I mention that in my dating profile?
- Can a person with a large family or who dreams of a large family find a new partner?
- Dating as a single parent: how should I talk about my children in my dating profile?
- How many children do you have and how old are they: Should I share that in a dating profile?
- My own experience as a single parent: What information about my children did I share in my dating profile?
- Should you mention the ages of your children in your dating profile?
- Should I post my children’s photos in a dating profile?
- Do I need to ask my ex for permission to post pictures of our children in my online dating profile?
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Many of those who have broken up with their children’s other parent wonder how they should go about dating.
Some even hesitate to break up at all just because they are afraid of being left alone with their young children. Some people think that dating as a single parent is not going to work. Either they don’t have the time or because they assume nobody will want to date a single parent.
The child question can be equally important to those who already have children and those who don’t. Because this can be a critical issue in a relationship, most choose to talk about their situation and dreams for children right from the start. And quite rightly so. Those who are looking for a sex partner rather than a serious relationship may not have the need to mention the children. This, too, is a sensible choice. In my own and my friends’ experience, about half of the dating profiles contain at least some information about whether the person has or wants to have children.
Why should I mention if I have or don’t have children in my dating profile?
When looking for a new partner, it does matter to most whether or not the other person has children. Someone definitely wants a spouse who doesn’t have children yet while someone else prefers a partner who already has kids. Having children has an impact on how the person uses their time. It also has an impact on whether or not they would like more children with the new partner.
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If you are dreaming of sharing your daily life with someone and having a family or a blended family, be clear about it from the start. If you want a relationship, but don’t want to live together with your new partner, talking about children is not that necessary to begin with. There’s time to broach that subject later. Perhaps you only see your children on the weekends and don’t even dream of having your partner meet your children. This makes the question about children somewhat irrelevant to you. Keep in mind, however, that your prospective partner may still feel this matter is important.
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The desire to have a family is a fundamental need. If you and your potential partner disagree on this issue, the odds that your relationship will succeed are weak. The purpose of a relationship is not to give up on your dreams, but to share them. Having children is seldom a matter of “take it or leave it” for anyone. That’s why mentioning that you have children or want to have children is important. All you need is this brief statement, which many women and men use on their Tinder profile: “I dream of starting a family.” In this case, if the relationship happens, the couple can focus on discussing the number of children they would like.
Sometimes you see profiles that are even more specific: “I dream of a big family.” It’s great to let your potential date to know this from the beginning if having a large family is very important to you. And it may well be. Respect your own dreams and be honest about the most important ones in your profile. And even then, “large family” can mean different things to different people. I have three children and some consider me a mother of a “large family”. I disagree!
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If you think you can be happy with smaller than a “large family”, this question about the number of children is less relevant. By not dwelling too much on this issue increases your chances of meeting lots of lovely people who also dream of having children, but one at a time. It could also be that your own dreams of a large family are quietly abandoned after having the first or second child. However, when preparing yourself for a first date, you should decide which of your dreams are non-negotiable and which ones are not that critical.
In sum: Be open in your dating profile and let your potential partners know from the start if you wish to have children. This way you can reach those people who appreciate your openness and shares your dreams. No need to waste anyone’s time on dates that couldn’t lead to anything because you don’t share your life goals. If having a child is your biggest dream, at least today, be open and don’t be shy about it. Be respectful of those who don’t want to have children and those who have children and don’t want any more. We are all allowed to dream about a life that others are not interested in.
Dating as a single parent: how should I talk about my children in my dating profile?
“Too” few or many children, or children of a wrong age can be a deal breaker for some. Your relationship with them is therefore bound to be unsuccessful. Respect people’s wants and needs. You have no way of knowing other people’s backgrounds. Nobody is obliged to justify their needs, no matter how excessively picky they may seem to you. I would assume it is only positive that people are honest and immediately rule our partners whose dreams they know they can’t share.
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Should you reveal how many children you have and how old they are in your profile?
Most people mention how many children they have and how old they are straight up in their dating profile. This is a good thing. It is best to let your potential date know certain facts about you before they even contact you, to save everyone’s time and protect our feelings. The number and ages of children are important facts for many and they will ask you about this in their first few messages anyway. Why go through the ordeal of sharing these facts time and again with each new person?
It’s much easier to share them in your profile to begin with. For example, I only went on dates with people who I knew would respect my background and the basic set up in my life. That is why I didn’t keep certain details a secret in my dating profile.
Communicating your priorities
Some men criticised me for that. Some men were keen to go on a date although we were clearly on a completely different page when it came to children. It didn’t help even if I pointed out that this was a deal breaker for me! I had to explain to quite a few men that my position of “no more children, thank you” was important to me and non-negotiable and that it was perfectly OK for them to have other priorities.
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The point was that both sides need to respect each other’s life goals. If you start compromising on the one thing that is crucial to you the minute you start dating someone, how successful can that relationship ever become?
Next, I’ll give a practical, personal example of what to share about your kids on a public dating app.
My own experience as a single parent: What information about my children did I share in my dating profile?
I made it clear from the get-go in my dating profile that I have three school-age children and I did not want any more children. I was very direct but used a polite wording to get the above across to the potential readers and to avoid unnecessary conversations. We all value our time, so debating about something that is important and crystal clear to yourself with someone who does not respect this is waste of everyone’s time.
We are the best experts of our own lives, and don’t let any potential dating partner tell you otherwise. Especially when it comes to having or not having children, we are not in a position to tell others what to do or think. My children are very important to me as people affected by my dating. That’s why I was very open about my situation.
I was also honest about not wanting any more children
No matter how madly and deeply I would fall in love with my future partner just in case they were hoping for one more “afterthought”. It was only fair to make it clear that having more children with me was not an option. That would have been a topic that needed addressing in the early stages of communication anyway. However, I was polite in my wording so as not to come across as cold and crass: I said I was hoping to meet someone whose child quota was also already full and added disarming emoticons. I had learned through trial and error that for some this topic is very sensitive so the wording had to be friendly 🙂
Should you mention the ages of your children in your dating profile?
I mentioned my children’s ages because for some the age of the children matters. For a man in his fifties it may be a plus that their prospective partner is not looking to have any more children and live through the baby years one more time. Or it can be disappointing if the woman’s children are not yet old enough to have flown the nest. For many, the ages of your children determine whether a serious relationship is possible.
For me, the ages of my potential new partner’s children were not an issue. The reason I was clear about mine was I wanted to avoid unnecessary disappointments. Some men I was chatting with chose not to date with me because “my kids are still so young”.
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I may have come across as “picky” to some but my strategy proved correct and I met people who were on the same page with me. Most importantly: that I was open and straightforward about having school-age children and not wanting any more did not deter the man I now happily share my life with. Our kids are just the right age for all of us!
So, my opinion is that you should and need not hold back information that is critically important to you in your dating profile. Things can be phrased kindly and lightly without seeming critical about other people’s choices and needs. In online dating, it’s important to remember to be respectful of everyone and not to forget that behind the nice pictures your browse through on your screen is a real person with feelings.
Should I post my children’s photos in a dating profile?
I have come across dating profiles on which people have added the pictures of their kids. Personally, I don’t think this is appropriate: children wouldn’t want their face in an online dating app for everyone to browse. Online dating is for adults only. You can talk about your children in great detail in writing, but photos are not a good idea. The number and ages of your children is enough. I don’t think you should or need to discuss your children in any more detail than that to begin with.
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Adding photos of your children may even drive some women away, as they find the man’s tactics thoughtless and irresponsible. And the same has been said by men about women. I couldn’t agree more. However, there will also be different opinions about this, just like there are about publishing photos of children on Facebook and Instagram in general. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. And shouldn’t you also ask your ex-partner’s opinion? What if they or someone they know spots the pictures posted without their permission?
Dating as a single parent: Do I need to ask my ex for permission to post pictures of our children in my online dating profile?
You need to consult your ex-partner for their opinion about posting the pictures of your mutual children online. You can’t post pictures of their children without their permission, especially in an online dating profile. I don’t think children’s pictures should be published at all. Many potential dating partners will wipe left just because of this. They may find your choice to post your children’s pictures questionable from your children’s and ex’s perspective.
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Do people usually people indicate in their online dating profile if they have or don’t have children?
Share your own experiences in the comments box below or post a new question! What is it like to date a single parent in your experience? What do you think the most important things for a single parent to consider when looking for a new partner? And what about a childless person dating a single parent? What should be taken into account? I would love to hear about your experiences!
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
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