SIGNS OF A BREAK UP: How to tell if my partner is going to leave me?

SIGNS OF A BREAK UP: How to tell if my partner is going to leave me?

What are the most common signs of a breakup, and how can you spot them in your own relationship before it’s too late? Just like the signs of a happy relationships, the warning signals of a break up come in all shapes and sizes and can be difficult to see. In this article, I’ll be talking about some of the most common warning signs and how you can bring the signs of a breakup that your subconscious already sees to your conscious mind. 

Did you know that your personality and your unconscious, automatic behaviours determine how easy it is for you to spot the signs of your relationship heading for a breakup? And, on the other hand, if it is in your nature to pay attention to the positives in your relationship and to improving it?

These are some of those topics I wrote about in my latest book (R)evolution for Love, now available also in Amazon near you (direct links to specific Amazon webstores here).

I have my background as a clinical hypnotherapist to thank for my interest in hacking the big data that our unconscious mind registers and utilising the power of the subconscious in improving our quality of life – including our relationships. 

Our conscious mind is able to focus to only a fraction of the big data made up by our internal and external stimuli, the positives and the negatives of our relationship, which our unconscious mind constantly registers.

This leads me to wonder, at which point does that moment occur when you intuitively notice the actual state of your relationship for the first time?

And do you actually know how solid your relationship is?

How aware are you of the way your partner sees the substance and direction of your relationship?

Your subconscious mind registers all those warning signs, so when will you listen to your inner wisdom?

In this blog I will be talking about the potential signs of a breakup:

Do you register the signs of a happy relationship or are you more likely to see the warning signs?

Are you prepared to take an honest look at the warning signs of a breakup or would you rather look away from all possible risks and just hope for the best? 

You have probably read hundreds of stories in magazines of how someone’s breakup “came completely out of the blue” – and I bet you don’t want to be one of them.

How to spot the warning signs in time and avoid breaking up?

How to spot the signs of a break up in time by hacking into the big data your unconscious mind has been collecting about your relationship, partners and your feelings in the midst of our hectic daily lives?

Our minds are incredibly strong and only a small part of is under our control. Regardless of what the facts that our rational mind holds on to tell us, even the most perfect of relationships does not always feel perfect.

"We largely shared the same values when it came to things like the children’s upbringing. We appreciated each other’s intellectual capacity, and we would spar each other professionally. We had common interests. We had good sex, we shared housework as well as financial responsibilities. And still, we did not have all that was needed for a happy relationship. We are happier now that we broke up.”

Kati Niemi: (R)evolution for Love - A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up?

Do you consciously notice all the possible signs of a breakup that your relationship, happy or not, is showing you?

Do you think your conscious mind is able to register everything that goes on in the encounters between you and your partner or to spot all the signs of a breakup in the air? 

We encounter tens of thousands of situations each day on which you expend your thoughts or feelings. Nobody can or is even supposed register every single thing every second on the conscious level, as this would not be good for us. 

But sometimes it is important to stop and take stock of your relationship so that you have a chance to change its course – if you want to.

To protect us against the overflow of the external and internal stimuli, or big data, we have the subconscious and the unconscious mind where we store a majority, 95 percent, of all the events in our lives.

This includes the warning signs of breakup, which we may have been registering since the beginning of the relationship. Unconsciously.

We all go through tens of thousands of thoughts every day, most of which are beyond our comprehension, our consciousness. Not everything we think or believe is true, sensible and good for us, although we want to think of ourselves as a smart and well-meaning person, at least when it comes to ourselves.

According to cellular biologist Bruce Lipton, only about five percent of our actions and choices are conscious.

The conscious mind is able to process rationally only a fraction of all the data that we collect through our senses.

That is why it is a good idea to examine the drivers of our unconscious mind, particularly if we notice that we are acting against our own goals and values. Read this article for more on the power of the unconscious mind: The unconscious mind can drive you to a breakup before you know it.

There are many signs of a breakup, and therefore interpreting such signals is fine art

You can trust that you can notice the signs of a potential break up with the same sensitivity with which you engage with your partner. The warnings of what is to come are present in every time you engage with your partner. And also after those moments when you fail to engage with each other.

The signals are registered in your subconscious. To connect with your subconscious, you have to slow down and listen to your inner voice.

You are the fortune teller of your future every moment of your life, and you are equally sensitive to an imminent break up as you are to being present in the moment here and now. If you are capable of being in the moment, your partner announcing their departure probably does not come as a complete surprise.

The signals of a break up are as unique as you and your partner and your mutual relationship are with all the characteristics.

Just like building a relationship, interpreting the signals of a break up is a very delicate art. Both are based on an ability to be engage with the present genuinely and sympathetically, both as yourselves.

The ability to see your partner’s goodness as a person or your opportunities to improve your relationship stem from the same ability to be present and the same intuition. Whether you want a better relationship with your partner or after you have left them, you will need your personal tool pack. Happily, you can build and extend that tool pack through conscious effort so that it will be useful for you in your relationships as well other areas of life.

That is why I would encourage you to build your relationship skills repertoire by drawing from the power of your subconscious, starting today, even if you have no idea yet where tomorrow will take you. Regardless of whether your motivation is to see the signs of and anticipate a break up in time or to improve your relationship permanently, you will find the solutions from the same source within your subconscious and unconscious mind, solutions that are both rational and feel right.

How does your personality affect your ability to spot the signs of a break up or the opportunities to improve your relationship?

The British psychologist Jeffrey A. Gray has developed a theory on how the biology of our brain affects our personality and our approach towards risks and opportunities.

The Behavioural Approach System, or BAS, which regulates and determines how sensitive a person is to see potential rewards and motivates them to seek their goal. A person who is strongly governed by the BAS, is interested in opportunities that could result in rewarding feedback or praise from their partner or others. A BAS dominated person may be impulsive and more likely to disregard risks and directs their attention to potential opportunities: “What’s the problem, it’ll be fine!”

If someone feels that their partner’s announcement that they were leaving “came out of the blue”, why is that? 

Were there really no signs of a break up to be seen, or was the person simply unable to spot them in time?

The Behavioural Inhibition System, BIS, makes a person to avoid situations and action that may result in potential punishment. A BIS dominated person avoids situations where there is a possibility of failure – for example, trying to improve their relationship. A neurotically anxious person may pay too much attention to the risks, so they may be less motivated to try and improve the relationship and instead choose to simply persevere and avoid breakup because of their fear of change.

Positive thinking is obviously helpful when working to improve a relationship. However, you must first realise that there is something to improve. Just because you can’t see problems doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Never invalidate the problems that your partner raises even if you couldn’t bear to listen to their complaints that only spell risks and difficulties. Provided that you want to stay together and be at least relatively happy.

Do not swipe the pain that your partner feels under the carpet with a bunch of flowers and hope that the relationship will mend itself. Read more about why excessively positive thinking and reliance of willpower can be harmful: When positive thinking becomes toxic.

The warning signs of a breakup: Fear of breakup stops you form seeing the breakup coming

Seeing the warning signs is particularly difficult if you are afraid of them and avoid admitting to yourself that they exist. We may be able to control where we consciously direct our attention, but our underlying fears direct our unconscious actions, including our perception, more strongly and more autonomously than we think.

We do not have the capacity to keep our focus on all the stimuli, events, situations, people and speech around us nor our own feelings and sensations. However, all that big data that we notice without noticing, is registered in the data deposits of our subconscious.

The big data on life events and feelings registered by the unconscious mind and the subconscious is worth exploring, and the more painful it is, the deeper you should go. When pain no longer prevents us from seeing and admitting facts, the overwhelming web of problems can begin to untangle.

When our conscious mind is given a change to make decisions based on facts (although depending on our erring memories), it is easier to find a new direction and move towards a better relationship or a brilliant divorce and live happily ever after your best life.

Conquering fear and stress help you to see and identify the signs of breakup, giving you the option to seek the best possible solution

Under stress – such as when you are in a happy relationship – our natural flight or fight system is activated. Depending on the personality type, this system can be very different from one person to the next, according to Gray, a psychologist focusing of the theory of personality. If your relationship is stressing you out, is it more natural for you to fight, to flight or to freeze and rest on your laurels? Which is the most characteristic way for your partner to react to stress?

Common signs of breakup that predict a potential breakup are the same as the signs that we naturally show in a stressful situation. Some may become aggressive and critical of the smallest of things and feel contempt towards their partner, the same partner they used to look at with admiration and affection. Some withdraw to solitude and become detached.

Some look for solace elsewhere and have an affair that can last for years while they try and pick up the courage to take the decisive step to one direction or another.

If we fear for our relationship or ourselves, we protect ourselves in the way that comes to us most naturally. If you know your partner well, you know what they are like, by and large. The signs of breakup are often – but not always – changes that we haven’t or can’t remember having noticed in them.

If the signs of a breakup are signs of change, is really useful to oppose and avoid all possible change by any means available? Absolutely not. Read more: “Darling, never change!” Are you serious?

Stress will only speed up your relationship spiralling into a paralysis, and when we are stressed we may see signs of breakup that are not there.

A conscious mind can err and the focus easily drift in stressful situations – such as when you are arguing with your partner or contemplating breaking up. At that point, we may hurl all kinds of insults and abuse from the depths of our unconscious mind without even understanding where on earth they came from to make our lives even more miserable than they already were, and why now.

Stress will only speed up your relationship spiralling into a paralysis. Residing in our unconscious mind, our subconscious fears and beliefs guide our behaviour, thoughts and the words we utter to our partner particularly if stress has removed the filter that our frontal lobe is usually able to operate, resulting in smarter behaviour. The beliefs that restrict your behaviour are all the more difficult to change the more you feed them with other people’s similar assumptions – such as the belief that mending a relationship or breaking up is too difficult.

The heavier your stress load is, the more strictly you operate within the parameters set by your restrictive beliefs. If you feel more stress than love in your relationship and, on top of that, are scared of breaking up or even seeing the signs of a possible breakup, how do you think you will ever be able to improve your relationship by tackling the real problems or to break free with confidence?

Instead of focusing on spotting any signs of problems ahead in time, work on gaining lasting personal strength so that you can rest assured that you are not seeing non-existent signs and give unnecessary signals yourself.

I know you know there are plenty of physical and mental tools to manage stress and overcome phobias, even if you may not be familiar how and why those methods work. How many new, concrete methods have you personally tried to improve your relationship or to reach a decision to break up?

What book, course, therapist or coach will you next turn to for a new tool that you have never even heard of or that you never thought you would actually try to improve your life? Read more about the (R)evolution for Love book and my personal coaching services.

Focus your conscious mind on reaching deep into your unconscious mind so that you can see the warning signs on the conscious level.

If your conscious and unconscious mind disagree on the direction you should be heading, which do you think is going to have the last word in your everyday life? Subconscious feelings, imagination, beliefs, hopes and fears will rule us especially if we are too exhausted to focus our willpower.

Sometimes the goals set by our conscious mind are just our egos daydreaming, and our much wiser subconscious pulls us from our egotistical pursuits back to the right path.

However, this does not mean that our subconscious is always right. Sometimes our beliefs and feelings can lead us astray while our conscious goals would be much better and make much more sense to us and people around us. Even if your conscious goal would be the best ever, your subconscious will try and pull you in the wrong direction until you manage to edit your subconscious to better align with your values and lifegoals.

We all have lots to do every day and we don’t have the energy to do everything. That’s why it is so important to spend our energy on something that is regenerative and creates more space for more rewarding things to happen. Use your energy to stop the arm-wrestling between your conscious and unconscious minds and free your energy to further new, different goals.

If you have the energy to direct your conscious mind to focus sufficiently and frequently enough on combing through and understanding your unconscious big data, your subconscious drivers (such as beliefs that have stopped you from enjoying life) will gradually begin to steer you to the direction that your conscious mind wants you to go.

Such as a better relationship or a brilliant breakup.

How can hypnotherapy help you strengthen your resources and reach a decision regarding your relationship?

As a qualified clinical hypnotherapist, I have studied the utilisation of the power of the unconscious mind and the subconscious. I help my client by teaching them self-hypnosis technique and many other therapeutic methods that they can use to access their thoughts and edit their emotional states, quickly if necessary. I combine hypnotherapy with techniques such as cognitive behavioural therapy, gestalt therapy or NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), depending on the client’s needs and preferences.

How many methods have you tried so far to explore all your possibilities to improve your relationship or to reach a positive decision to break up?

Or do you believe that you can rescue your relationship from the cliff edge with the same methods that you used to take it precariously close to the precipice in the first place?

If you can see a breakup in the horizon but still want to avoid it, what are you ready to do with your partner? When are you going to give your all to achieve a better relationship?

I wonder if you can even imagine how much energy you can release by stopping the eternal to “break up or not to break up?” cycle of thoughts? When will you contact a coach who can help you reach deep into your inner self and make decision-making easier and to unlock your subconscious resources to move on towards a happier life? Be in touch is you would like me to coach you personally in, for example, relationship matters.

Why is it important for you to predict a breakup or to see the warning signals?

If warning signs have been in the air for some time, these signs may eventually begin to penetrate your conscious mind. When a vaguely unpleasant feeling has been eating you up long enough, you will want to know what it’s all about. You want to be rid of the unpleasant feeling and find clarity.

Even if the events and reasons that led you to the current situation may help you understand the present, analysing the past to death is ultimately a dead end and a waste of time. Life is too short. Often simply by accepting an emotional state and stopping to listen your inner voice may reveal to you what is happening.

Excessive rationalisation is unnecessary because it will not take you anywhere. Rationalisation will not help you become closer to your partner and will not give you strength to leave, if need be. Is noticing the warning signs of a looming break up and predicting what is to come more important that living by your partner’s side in this moment, here and now? Or by the side of yourself? Why is it important for you to know what the signs of a breakup are and why do you want to anticipate them?

Is your body telling you something that your rational mind is trying to explain away? If you can anticipate a breakup but still want to avoid it, how can you improve your ability to be present with your partner?

SIGNS OF A BREAKUP: Warning signs that tell you your partner is about to leave

What goals are you working towards, in practice, on a daily basis, based on your unconscious observations? 

A better relationship or a brilliant breakup? 

In which direction is subconscious and unconscious mind autopiloting you?

Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, Coach, Author Kati Niemi

Even if you are clueless about the reasons of your unhappiness, admitting to yourself and to your partner that you feel unhappy is alone a key to a better relationship.

Where do you think you are with your decision process?

Read the best tips for decision making in the book (R)evolution for Love, and its related exercise book now available in Amazon near you (direct links to specific Amazon webstores here).

With Love,
your coach Kati
Clinical hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer
[email protected]

It is natural that the most common signs of a breakup and the reasons why other people have broken up affect the way we think.
Read more about this topic: