How on earth can anybody live in an open relationship? How do people make long-distance relationships work? Don’t they get jealous? Or how do couples survive infidelity? How does the partner who was cheated on overcome their jealousy?
Feeling jealous of your partner is quite typical. Jealousy is a very common feeling. But that something is normal or common does not mean that you have to subscribe to it. You don’t have to feel jealous in your relationship, if you don’t particularly enjoy that feeling and your relationship does not benefit from it. This article is for you if you are the “jealous type” and the feelings of jealousy are all too familiar to you.
It’s also for you if you want help to overcome the feelings of jealousy. Regardless of whether the reasons for your jealousy are real or imaginary. I have compiled in this article experiences of happy and unhappy relationships, none of which were identical.
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There were open relationships, long-distance relationships and traditional exclusive relationships. We can all learn something from each other learning to overcome – or at least tolerate – the feelings of jealousy.
Or what do you think?
Do you think that everyone will eventually cheat, so better to feel jealous just in case?
If magazines and tabloids are anything to go by, everybody cheats. Even the least likely ones. At the company Christmas party at least. So, if you believe how the sensationalist media portrays us, it may be difficult to tell your partner to have a wonderful time, when they are dressing up to the nines getting ready for a party. Instead of feeling glad that your partner is having a fun time, a jealous partner will try and control their partner’s behaviour by constantly texting or calling throughout the evening. Some even turn up at the venue or recruit their friend to keep an eye on their partner.
A self-appointed Sherlocks might install a location device in their partner’s car or hack their phone or laptop.
Some are so neurotic that they keep count of how many and what kind of pictures their partner likes on the social media: are these people potential secret lovers? Who could possibly tolerate a relationship with so much jealousy?
Do you feel you are sometimes too jealous but you wish you weren’t? This article is just for you.
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Feeling jealous is not pleasant
Jealousy is a nasty feeling that eats you up inside.
Sometimes it is mild and almost cute, but sometimes it is so strong that it makes you feel ashamed of yourself. This may be the case if your emotions are so strong that they overwhelm you to the point that you can’t control your actions and reactions.
However, you too can learn to manage your jealousy.
You know you can: there have been times when you have not felt jealous. It is not an inseparable part of your, it is an emotional habit that you have learnt along the way. You can and are allowed to alleviate it by any means available.
If you want to tackle your jealous feelings with all the might of your subconscious, you will feel this article helpful.
Are all couples jealous?
Many couples feel jealous for each other, but this does not mean that jealous is a sign of love. Nor does feeling jealous mean that you don’t love your partner. In fact, jealousy and love are not really all that interrelated. Read more about genuine love and the evolutionary basis of jealousy in these articles: REAL LOVE: What is genuine love at its best?
What is an open relationship? Does it lead to breaking up?
What is an open relationship? Who are non-monogamous open relationships for? Is your partner suggesting consensual non-monogamy?
Jealousy stems from fear, not love. If you love yourself and have a healthy self-esteem, you will find you don’t feel jealous that often. If you trust your partner, there’s no need to feel insecure about the future of your relationship.
So why do we feel jealous?
Jealousy walks hand in hand with low self-esteem in three ways:
- A person with low self-esteem is more likely to cheat on their partner than someone with the confidence and strength to live according to their values. Cheating is seldom part of anyone’s core values in life. It usually flies completely in the face of one’s values.
- A person with low self-esteem is insecure and can’t believe that their partner really loves them, because they find themselves unlovable. Low self-esteem forces a person to control their partner because giving them freedom is simply too scary. A person with low self-esteem is afraid that their partner will leave them. To this fear they may react to causing silent or vocal, aggressive or passive-aggressive scenes and drama.
- In reverse, a person with low self-esteem tolerates their jealous partner’s rude behaviour, control and raging.
If both partners suffer from low self-esteem, the vicious circle of jealousy is ready.
And do people in this position try to work things out through couples therapy or breaking up? Seldom, it would seem. They are more likely to cheat and seek solace with someone else, which only goes to prove the suspicions of their jealous partner right: “I knew it! Didn’t I tell you!” The minute I turn my back you are cheating on me!”
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So how did this all begin? Was it the partner and their behaviour or the low self-esteem of either or both partners?
Narcissism and jealousy
Sometimes, jealousy is caused by narcissism, which again is caused by extremely low self-esteem. To find out more about the jealous behaviour and other signs of narcissism, read this in depth article on narcissism. And promise me you will seek help if you think you might be a narcissist or living with a narcissist partner.
Jealousy, as such is normal, up to point. Narcissism is a personality disorder that needs to be diagnosed and treated and that can cause deep trauma in a relationship.
Don’t tolerate your own jealousy for too long
If you are the so-called jealous type, address the problem sooner rather than later. Don’t be afraid of your jealousy and don’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. Take that painful feeling under scrutiny. Invite it in, learn to know it and say goodbye and send it on its way. Don’t let jealousy eat your partner and yourself up and cause other problems in your relationship. They are only likely to cause even more jealousy.
If jealousy reaches the level of you stalking and cross-examining your partner, your relationship will suffer. Jealousy is one of the leading reasons why relationships break down.
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If you think you might be overly jealous, find new aspects to your relationship by exploring the diversity of different relationship models. For example, read the articles in this blog about open relationships and long-distance relationships. You will find that lots of people have learnt to live with their feelings of jealousy.
- Open relationship – just an option among many others?
- OPEN RELATIONSHIP: What is an open relationship and will it only lead a break up?
- LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP What are the long-distance relationship pitfalls and how to avoid them?
Mild jealousy is a normal but passing emotion that probably everyone who is in love with their partner occasionally feels. In this second article, we discussed the common reasons for jealousy and the difference between normal, mild and extreme, pathological jealousy: What is extreme or pathological jealousy?
A sudden onslaught of jealousy may be a useful wake-up call
It is quite normal to sometimes feel such powerful jealousy that you frighten yourself.
The sudden attack of jealousy may be caused by a specific situation, leading to powerful and overwhelming emotions. However, it is usually enough just to be aware of the nature of your emotions and willing to seek a solution to your problematic jealousy. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Sometimes it comes as a huge relief that your jealousy was just a momentary imbalance created by your excessive tiredness, stress or lack of sleep. Or maybe you have not had enough time together as couple and you feel (!) that your partner has not given you enough attention. Be kind to yourself. We all sometimes overreact without a “good” reason. Exhaustion and stress are common reasons for unusual moodiness.
Do you aware where your feelings of jealousy come from?
Pure tiredness and chronic stress envelop us in a constant state of insecurity, which serves as an excellent sounding board for jealousy. If the symptoms I’m discussing next sound familiar, focus primarily on addressing these root causes of jealousy. Stress and sleeplessness cause a real state of alarm in your brain that affects you both physically and psychologically. This will affect many of your bodily functions. You may also suddenly develop extreme feelings jealousy for no apparent reason.
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Instead of wasting your energy on feeling ashamed and stupid, focus on the root causes of your jealousy.
Far too many relationships collapse under the weight of stress and lack of sleep. If you are prone to sudden attacks of uncontrollable jealousy, make sure you are adequately managing your stress and sleep. Don’t sacrifice your relationship to the dark feelings of jealousy simply because you are too stressed at work or exhausted by raising a young family. The (R)evolution for Love blog contains several articles on the consequences of stress as well as tools to manage stress. The posts also give tips for better sleep and using your subconscious and unconscious mind to strengthen your self-esteem.
If you are overwhelmed by sudden feelings of jealousy, talk to your partner about it and apologise for your behaviour genuinely and with love.
Constant jealousy is tough for both you and your partner
I’m sure you know that one colleague who sees potential disasters everywhere even if the company finances and risks are well under control. Some people are simply prone to catastrophising.
Similarly, in a relationship, an insecure person lives in constant state of fear of being rejected by their partner. This fear maybe mild or massive, momentary or continuous.
An insecure, stressed out person will speculate over potential risks and paint various worst-case scenarios in their mind. For a person who is sick with jealousy, their negative thoughts are sent into a tailspin. Their inner voice tells them that the world is about to end until the person truly starts to believe in it. It is really important to cut the wings of such negative, destructive through processes as soon as possible.
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The negative speech must be exchanged for a more positive one. NLP and hypnotherapy are among the most effective methods for overcoming debilitating thoughts. Read more about these tools in my other (R)evolution for Love blog posts.
Why does my partner make me feel anxious with jealousy?
You are not responsible for your partner’s behaviour that causes you to feel jealous. Or more precisely: your partner’s actions do not create the feeling of jealousy that you experience. It is caused by your past experiences that you are not aware of and your interpretations of your partner’s actions. Jealousy is a feeling that you feel in yourself. You are responsible for your feelings and how you act as a result.
You are responsible for the interpretations that you make of your partner’s behaviour. The fact that you might be unaware of the unconscious motives that guide your interpretations and that it is your subconscious that drives you to jealous rage does not remove your responsibility. It is up to you to pause and take a moment to analyse and edit you subconscious interpretations so that your jealousy does not become to much to bear.
If you are too jealous and think that you simple can’t help it, you still don’t have the right to sabotage your partner’s life.
Just because you can’t understand where your jealousy stems from does not mean you can express your jealousy in all its unfiltered rawness.
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Extreme jealousy is a very unpleasant feeling that is born out of your own interpretations of what is really happening and what your partner’s actions mean to you. Nobody’s actions can, as such, directly cause an emotion in another person. The emotions you have are created in a flash in your mind, based on your observations and unconscious interpretations. Usually these emotions are automatic and unconscious. Therefore, you are not aware of any interpretation taking place. Instead you may express them in thoughtless words before you are able to stop them.
Your partner’s actions are not the origin of the dark poisonous feeling of jealousy that becomes stronger with every minute to dwell on it.
But what you can’t help feeling jealous because of your partner’s behaviour?
You are responsible for all your choices – including your choice of partner. But you are not responsible for your partner’s choices. If your partner behaves badly and makes you feel jealous (indirectly through your interpretation of the situation) by, for example, cheating on you, it is high time you two have a serious, calm and open discussion.
Talk about what cheating means to you both. What is and what isn’t cheating? What are your boundaries? For some, flirting is cheating, for others dancing too close with someone else in a nightclub or kissing someone. Having sex with someone else is the limit of cheating for many but not for everyone. For some, sex is just an act, animal passion and part of enjoying your life. As long as no romantic feelings are involved, it does not constitute cheating.
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Does your partner think they have cheating on you?
Or does your partner feel that they have crossed your red line but not their own?
When your partner’s infidelity is making you feel jealous
Was your partner unfaithful to you but has promised they’ll never cheat again? And do you still feel jealous? Is your partner allowing you your jealous feelings and are you able to process the issue as a couple? Or is your once unfaithful partner accusing you of being jealous because they have apologised and you should now forgive and forget?
If you partner has behaved badly, it is quite understandable that it is more likely for you to feel jealous than if they had not cheated on you in the first place. However, you don’t have to feel guilty for your jealousy even if you are responsible for it as a feeling. Nor should you feel guilty that your partner cheated on you.
Even if your partner’s unfaithfulness has dented your self-esteem, you can still improve your confidence.
Your partner’s behaviour doesn’t have to affect your self-image for the rest of your life. The key is to look after yourself and look for help when finding balance in your self-care, regardless of your partner’s mistakes.
If you believe that the behaviour or choices of another person are caused by you and allow their actions undermine your self-esteem, it is only logical that you feel jealous if they behave badly. On the other hand, if you have bolstered your self-esteem enough to know that you are lovable. You feel confident as the wonderful person that you are and your partner’s bad behaviour does not rub off on you. And as far as you’re concerned, they are free to continue behaving any way they want without it affecting your value as a person.
Similarly, you are free to decide with whom you want to spend your future. By all means discuss the rules and boundaries in your relationship and explain and clarify your thoughts and values. In the end of the day, you are not responsible for your partner’s choices – only your own choices.
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You can’t decide on your partner’s behalf that they are going to stop cheating. However, you can and must decide on your own behalf to stop cheating yourself. For more about this topic, read the articles and chapters about cheating in the (R)evolution for Love blog and book.
How to let go of jealousy?
To free yourself from your own jealousy, you must first become aware of it. If you are not conscious about your feelings, they will operate unconsciously. I hope that this article offers you some lightbulb moments and help you become more aware of your feelings. Your own jealousy can serve as a wakeup call for problems that may be restricting your happiness on more levels than just your relationship.
The root cause for aching jealousy is usually low self-esteem. Low self-esteem causes problems in all areas of life. Turn your jealousy into a positive. By exploring the roots of your jealousy, you can learn more about yourself and turn your life much richer and rewarding in many ways!
The first step is to acknowledge your jealousy and to be aware of it:
“Oh hi, jealousy, it’s you again! What’s up? What delightful thoughts have you brought me this time?” Humour is a great way to disarm serious, threatening thoughts. In NLP, playing with your tone of voice and intonation is used as a conscious and effective tool to uproot powerful beliefs.
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Initially, just noticing your thoughts is enough. And then, let it go. If you try to push your thoughts away, they will resist and try to push back. If, however, you cling too tight on a thought, it will suffocate you. Just stop for a second and gently let go of a thought, it will also let go of you. For more about the art of letting go, read my blog article on LIVING IN THE NOW Just this moment. That’s enough. Right now.
Negative thoughts are usually the most persistent ones to try and come back, especially if they are propelled by something deeply buried in your unconscious mind. The information, which is the same as thoughts, stored in our unconscious and subconscious mind have been accumulated with every experience since our infancy. Whether you like it or not, you may be expressing in your current relationship the beliefs you adopted in your first failed attempt at dating or while observing the behaviour of your parents in their relationship.
Learning not to be jealous
You can choose how you live your life today. It’s entirely up to you where you direct your attention and what type of interpretations you make from your partner’s behaviour. You can consciously affect the basic structures of your subconscious mind. It is quite possible to reinforce your tenacity so that, in the future, your jealous feelings are not as overpowering as before and you can behave with respect towards your partner. You don’t have to be the victim of your jealousy!
If you choose to focus on your partner’s bad behaviour, you will also probably see more of it.
If you are used to being the jealous type and think you see evidence of your partner cheating you left, right and centre, you do know that your interpretations of a given situation may be badly skewed?
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Happily, your thoughts are nothing more than thoughts. Plus they are not always true. You don’t have to believe your own thoughts. Take a hard look at your own thought distortions and restrictive beliefs and defuse your subconscious timebombs. This will save you and your partner from unnecessary blow-ups.
There are plenty to methods for “divert” your thoughts and to topple your established patterns described in my book (R)evolution for Love. By untangling restrictive beliefs and improving your confidence, the negative thoughts that feed your jealousy will become weaker and weaker by the day.
How to stop feeling jealous if I believe that my partner is cheating on me?
“I have every reason to be jealous. My partner is cheating on me!” Is that really a good explanation for a feeling that you don’t want to but can’t let go? If you justify your excessive jealousy to yourself, you are in fact telling your subconscious: you should be jealous and it is only right that you show your partner that they can never be trusted! If you deny your problem, your jealousy will keep hurting you and your partner in the future.
It is true that many people cheat on their partners for decades and never get caught. But guess what: it is just as likely to be dumped for ungrounded, fanatic jealousy. You don’t have to put up with a cheating partner but nor does your partner have to put up with your excessive jealousy and spying in their own house.
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If you suspect that your partner is cheating on you or you simple feel overly jealous, seek help from a couples therapy or sex therapists with or without your partner. That you have grown used to feeling jealous after years of practice does not mean that you can’t stop. You can teach yourself, gently but firmly, to let go of that feeling that eats you alive.
So your partner hurt you and cheated on you. Why would you hurt yourself even more?
When your jealousy is caused by your partner cheating, talk about it as described above. Establish where the boundaries of cheating are for either one of you individually and what you as a couple could do so that they can win back your trust. You both have a responsibility to bear in that process. Your partner can’t just say “C’mon, get over it!”, if you are still feeling the hurt. They have to walk by your side, if they really want to show they are worth your trust. Equally, your duty is to not exaggerate the significance of the past at the expense of today and the future.
A new beginning is always possible.
Even today.
This very minute.
ARE YOU THE JEALOUS TYPE? Are you too jealous?
This article was aimed for all those who think they are the “jealous type” and to whom the feelings of jealousy are all too familiar. I hope this article was helpful and gave you useful food for thought. My sole intention is to help you take the next decisive step towards a life where you don’t have to hold on to your feelings of jealousy.
I wish all the strength to everyone who has to battle with jealousy. And even if you do feel jealous for your partner, believe me:
You’ll be fine!
Read more about related topics under the themes To Break Up or Not to Break Up and Cheating.
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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