A jealous partner can be highly irritating especially if you know that you have given no reason for them to be jealous. Sometimes, a jealous partner, quite understandably, is jealous because they know you have cheated on them. But what if your partner’s behaviour becomes stupid of threatening because of their jealousy – whether or not for a good reason.
In this post, I’ll be discussing the following:
- Whose fault is it that your partner is jealous if A) you have cheated on them and B) if you have always been faithful?
- Why is my partner watching me even though I have given them no reason to be jealous?
- Aren't people in open or long-distance relationships ever jealous?
- What to do if your jealous partner is becoming too irritating or controlling?
- What can I do to make them feel less jealous?
- Is jealousy a good enough reason to break up?
When your partner is jealous because they know you cheated on them…
We all responsible for our own emotions. This includes jealousy and the behaviour it triggers in us. Even if you cheated on your partner, you are not responsible for their feeling jealous although indirectly you have caused jealousy to increase between you two.
THE JEALOUS TYPE: Am I too jealous?
“I feel so jealous because of my partner” Jealousy is a painful feeling. Use the power of your subconscious and let go of jealousy!
Your jealous partner is probably blaming you for their negative feelings and hurt, but you can’t make those feelings disappear on their behalf. You can apologise and mend your ways. But you don’t have the power to give or take away your partner their feelings. They occur within themselves
If you have cheated on your partner and you want your jealous partner to forgive you and to work with you to improve your relationship, you both have to agree on your shared goals and you both have to make the effort.
Your job is not to cheat again and to support your partner. Your partner’s job is to seek professional help, if necessary, to process their feelings and to restore their trust in you. A jealous partner can’t trust you unless they trust themselves first and unless you mend your ways.
Why is my partner watching me when I’ve given them no reason to be jealous?
The many men and women I interviewed for my book (R)evolution for Love openly talked about their happy and not so happy relationships and break ups. Sometimes the jealousy of a partner has no grounds in reality. One of my interviewees shared this experience:
“My partner was very jealous and suspicious of any nights out or minibreaks with friends. Afterwards, I have wondered if we would have got divorced had I been allowed go and do my thing as freely as I am now, after we split up. If my partner had had more trust in me and given me space to breathe, would I have been more appreciative of what we had, which in turn could have made my partner feel more secure?”
INFIDELITY and the collected excuses: The good reasons for cheating
CHEATING: What is a good reason to cheat? What do the cheated partner, “the other woman/man” or the cheater choose to believe in?
If the innocent party is already guilty in the eyes of their partner, how does that affect the relationship? A jealous partner may be feeling so insecure that they watch your every move and try to limit your personal space more and more every day. Sometimes the jealous partner’s behaviour is caused by their narcissism, which is based on the person’s low self-esteem. And even if your jealous partner weren’t a narcissist in the pathological sense, jealousy is almost always a result of low self-esteem.
Your partner’s low self-esteem is not your fault
If your partner has low self-esteem it is not your responsibility. But your behaviour is decisive in how far you allow your partner to go. The obsessions of your jealous partner and narcissistic behaviour may fade away or become worse. It depends largely on how you behave in your relationship and what you allow your partner to do to you.
How are you allowing your partner to behave towards you? What matters is how strong your own self-esteem is. Your job is to find the solutions that best support your self-esteem and confidence so that you won’t allow anyone to treat you badly.
Aren’t people in open or long-distance relationships ever jealous?
How are some people able to live in an open or long-distance relationship? Don’t they feel jealous or are they better able to handle their feelings of jealousy?
What could your jealous partner or you learn from looking more closely into what the potential problems in open or long-distance relationships are? And also, how do couples make them a success? If you are interested in finding out more about these themes, read there popular blog posts:
What is an open relationship? Does it lead to breaking up?
What is an open relationship? Who are non-monogamous open relationships for? Is your partner suggesting consensual non-monogamy?
Is my partner’s jealousy my fault?
First of all, you are never responsible for other people’s behaviour nor for how they try to treat you. This goes for cheating and jealousy alike. What you are responsible for is how you allow yourself to be treated.
You are not responsible for your partner’s jealousy not for their behaviour but you are responsible for your own wellbeing.
Sometimes the jealousy of your partner can go too far. Read this blog post which explains, What is extreme or pathological jealousy? It is understandable that you may feel somehow culpable for your partner’s feelings of jealousy.
The only thing you are responsible for are your decisions: your choice of a partner that you renew every day.
You are free to choose your company. Every day. Today.
You are free to choose a partner who is too jealous as well as one who is occasionally jealous or someone who is never jealous. You decide, what type of behaviour you accept from your partner.
Are relationship problems simply just stress and lack of sleep?
Why does stress and lack of sleep cause problems in a relationship? Or do bad relationships cause stress and sleeplessness? How to get help?
Your duty is not to tolerate any unwanted behaviour a day longer even if you have allowed it to continue for years. You make the decision to be with your partner every day. You can decide who you are in relationship from this day on. It’s a similar decision as you made to start a relationship with your current partner.
It is entirely up to you to decide with how jealous a partner you are or aren’t in a relationship.
Your choice of partner is yours alone. You can make that decision despite how many children you share with your partner. Whether or not anyone around you understands your decision is totally irrelevant. Remember that other people may be allowing jealous behaviour from their partner even if you stop allowing it from yours.
We don’t always make good choices. Moreover, what seemed like perfectly good choices may prove terrible choices in hindsight. Choosing the company you keep is difficult to begin with. It does not become any easier if you share a history and some happy memories. Or you have kids and a mortgage together. And the myriad of other things that glue you and your jealous partner together indefinitely, whether you like it or not.
Sexless Marriage: Celibacy when your partner doesn’t want to have sex
Living in a sexless relationship when your partner does not want to have sex. No sex in marriage. Involuntary celibacy in a sexless marriage
You choose the reasons that “forces you” to put up with jealousy. It is up to you to choose the things you want to continue having in your life. You make those choices every day, although you may think that your earlier decisions were final and obliging. But you can change your mind.
You can’t get your happy past back and you can’t live your dream future yet. All you have is today, and you have to make your decisions every day.
What to do if your jealous partner become too irritating or controlling?
Sometimes it is only positive that something in your relationship drives you absolutely crazy. What do I mean by that? Getting really angry or frustrated with something that’s not right but you allowed to creep into your relationship could be the thing that makes you want a change. All the negative emotions that we have can lead to something positive. They force you to admit what’s wrong and make the necessary changes.
If you partner is only occasionally a bit too jealous, talk about the issue openly and respectfully. The (R)evolution for Love exercises offer clear and practical tips on how to talk about difficult topics related to your partner’s or your own challenges.
Is the most important thing in a relationship love? Sex? Intimacy?
What is the most important thing in a relationship? What can you expect from your partner? Does there have to be sex in a relationship?
Even if your partner’s jealousy stays within reasonable limits, you should be able to talk about it. If you can’t communicate, it is something you should seek to remedy as a matter of urgency. There should be no topics that are off limits between two partners. Jealousy, in particular, should not be a taboo, because few things are more central to the relationship between the two partners.
Sometimes a partner’s jealousy exceeds the limit of what is normal. What that limit is, is determined by ourselves. The limits that you have set for normal jealousy may differ from your partner’s limits. If you feel your partner is too jealous, that means that in your books they are too jealous. Your partner has no right to ask you to readjust your limits just because they are not identical to their personal limits.
The way to get rid of negative feelings towards your partner is not to try and suppress those feelings.
A jealous partner can be deeply irritating and drive you mad. So let yourself feel those “negative” emotions which are just as valuable as any other feeling.
Accepting feelings including irritation (= not accepting jealousy but accepting that we have feelings) helps you to move towards making a change. Suppressing your feelings does not make those feelings disappear. Bottled up feelings are known to cause wide-reaching psychosomatic symptoms.
Google it if you don’t believe me! Or read (R)evolution for Love, a book full of gentle but firm solution-centred advice and the posts in this blog.
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We are responsible for our own feelings and nobody has the right to overstep anyone’s boundaries and tell them what they should or should be feeling. It is everyone’s personal responsibility to examine themselves. There is a chance that our own jealousy or the way we interpret the jealousy of our partner is out of proportion. It is an examination that your partner does not have the right or the duty to do. It is always your own right and responsibility.
If your partner is too jealous, seek help
A partner who is pathologically jealous should seek help but not from their partner. You can’t and you shouldn’t even try to be your partner’s therapist. A person who has extreme feelings of jealousy probably suffer and feel deeply ashamed by their behaviour. They maybe feel guilty for resorting to physical or mental abuse towards your or your children. They need help. Help them look for that help from a professional.
Don’t sacrifice your health and wellbeing because your partner did not learn how to manage their feelings when growing up. It is not your job to “house train” your partner. They are responsible for their own behaviour. You are not responsible for your partner’s behaviour or their life, only for yourself. Seek help for yourself, if necessary, including in a refuge.
Your relationship is not supposed to be a care relationship. It should be a nurturing, loving and balanced relationship for two equal partners.
Read more about real love in a long-term relationship.
Had enough of your partner’s or your own jealousy?
When you decide that you’ve had enough of your partner’s or your own jealousy, read the helpful blog posts under To Break Up or Not to Break Up and Cheating categories. And if you know someone you think would benefit from them, share them!
Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,
Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]
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