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Some people stay in an unhappy relationship because of the shame and fear of breaking up. Break-up fear and and shame is common. Why?

THE FEAR OF BREAKING UP: “I’m too ashamed to leave.”

Some people want to break up but feel they can’t. The feelings of shame and fear often go hand in hand with a relationship break up. But why are so many so ashamed or afraid of breaking up?

For many, the shame and fear of breaking up comes from the idea that breaking up is a failure. I will talk about the fear of failure in some depth in this blog post. I will also share some thoughts on how that fear can be overcome by using the power of the unconscious mind and the subconscious. 

Based on my experience as a clinical hypnotherapist and NLP Trainer, equalling breaking up with failure is an incredibly restrictive and negative belief overshadowing many people’s lives. This blog and my (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up are all about busting that harmful myth.

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Typical themes are, e.g.: finding and building better relationships with your new partner, your ex, and especially with yourself! Improving your marriage or making the

I will be breaking down the fear and shame associated with divorce and breaking up into bite-size pieces. I’m guided in this endeavour by my personal experiences as well as those of the men and women I have interviewed and learnt from.

Did you know that the fear of breaking up stops us from improving our relationships? 

Some are afraid of even thinking about breaking up, as if their thoughts alone would be a sign of “failure”. Thinking about breaking up is normal and nothing to be afraid of

In reality, feeling afraid and ashamed of breaking up stops you from improving your relationship. If you are afraid of rejection, you probably are too afraid to open up your true self to your partner. This will also prevent your relationship from growing. Letting somebody in just because you are afraid you will lose them is not reason enough. Work on your resources so that your potentially happy relationship does not die prematurely for the wrong reasons. 

Improving your relationship requires an open mind and gentle but honest self-exploration. This also means facing the option of breaking up. Being afraid that your relationship will end is always harmful. That’s why I want to declare a global war against break-up shame. 

If you can overcome your shame and fear of breaking up, a world of new opportunities will open up for you. It may be a better relationship or a brilliant break up.

Thoughts about breaking up are nothing to be afraid of: they are completely safe to explore

This article concentrates on the feelings of shame and fear that many feel at the slightest thought of breaking up. Before looking at the phenomenon in more depth, let’s get one thing clear: divorce and breaking up are nothing to be ashamed of and it is never a failure. There is no need to beat yourself up about it before or after the fact. I really want you to understand this and not be tortured by bad conscience simply for thinking your thoughts.

If you don’t allow yourself to think through the option of breaking up, the thoughts will only get stronger. Do you know what happens if you try hard not to think about something? Tell yourself “Don’t think of a pink elephant!” and you are sure to think of a pink elephant. (And by the way, elephants are grey, which makes the effort even more pointless). Denying yourself certain thoughts is counterproductive.

So if breaking up is something you seem to be thinking about, it’s ok. It’s just a thought. Thinking about it doesn’t make it real or can’t make you do it against your will. Thoughts are just thoughts. Make the most of them and examine them with curiosity. Thoughts come and go. That’s what thoughts do. You don’t have to hang on to them or act on them, but you could do worse than exploring them. 

Especially if the thoughts are persistent or seem somehow significant, such as thoughts about breaking up. The thought may be difficult, but still nothing to be afraid of. Say ‘Hi’ to your thoughts and get to know them.

If you feel ashamed by thoughts of breaking up, is the solution to stop thinking about it by sheer will power and positive thinking?

In fact, there is a way to change thoughts that you find harmful, but let’s get back to that a little later. At this point, I simply encourage you to examine and edit your thoughts if you notice that certain thoughts make you feel sad or scared, although they might at the same time be intriguing as well. If you have been thinking certain thoughts for years, it is high time to take a good look.

Break-up shame is a powerful emotion. You can’t force yourself out of fear with willpower or positive thinking. The fear of breaking up stems from somewhere much deeper than our conscious mind. Your rational mind may tell you that it would be better to finally call it a day and break up. However, shame can persuade your subconscious and unconscious beliefs to tell you otherwise

On the level of your conscious mind and logic, breaking up might make every sense. So where on earth is your unconscious mind getting all that irrational shame and need for self-flagellation?

Do you think that someone else’s divorce is a failure? No? So why is even the thought of breaking up so impossible for you (let alone going through with it!)? To find out and to let go of all unnecessary shame, read this article in all peace and quiet.

Positive thinking is not enough

Willpower and positive thinking are not enough to stop your break up or to improve your relationship. In fact, sometimes positive thinking has a negative effect. There are times when more humane self-analysis and conscious grieving are the best ways to add to your wellbeing both during and after a relationship.

Too many people fail to give sufficient attention to the idea of breaking up and avoid their thoughts by, for example, cheating on their partner. Is the discomfort associated with breaking up a good reason to cheat? Read more on this topic in: CHEATING AND THE COLLECTED EXCUSES: What is a good reason to cheat?

My story: What did I do when I realised I was afraid of divorce?

A few years ago, my husband and I divorced after 21 years of marriage. My presumptions about divorcing prior to that were irrationally brutal. I beat myself up for years. My personal divorce process was not a walk in a park. I worked extremely hard to achieve what I thought was the right thing to do. The shame I felt was excruciating. I did everything in my power to improve my relationship no matter the cost. Just as long I wouldn’t have to admit to myself that divorcing would be the best of all options. 

So I truly, deeply understand what break-up shame feels like. 

Eventually, I came to discover that my fear of the unknown had been unnecessary. But arriving at the lightbulb moment took me years of pain. Then again, had I not gone through all that difficulty, I would not have learnt all the things that I am now sharing in my books and as a coach. Hindsight 20/20! So easy to see things clearly afterwards. My ex and I got together at a young age. I had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side, if I let go and set myself free to love.

I felt immense shame and fear, but I overcame those feelings. That’s why I know for a fact that breaking up is nothing to be ashamed about and the fear of the unknown is not going to kill you. You can be bigger than your fear. You can change those thoughts that work against your best interest. 

There will come the moment when you choose either to realise your ideas of breaking up or to consciously choose the other way. That moment may not be now. Take time to digest the message of this and my other blog posts and my solution-centred 374-page book (R)evolution for Love and the many real-life stories shared by the men and women I interviewed. 

Give yourself time and use that time wisely on focused self-exploration. The way I managed to conquer my fear of breaking up what through analysing my thoughts, fears and hopes – honestly. I went through countless hours of soul-searching and mental exercises.

Where can exploring your thoughts about breaking up lead?

Fear is not a pleasant feeling. The fear of breaking up your relationship is no exception. That fear is made no less unpleasant by the fact that relationships are deeply personal and a lot is at stake. My fear of spiders was nothing compared the fear I felt towards divorcing. That’s why it is so important to examine the thoughts that feed out shame and fear of breaking up. That alone is probably scary. Therefore, I do recommend that you seek peer support and coaching in that process.

When exploring in depth the theme of breaking up and divorce, I interviewed several people who were living in happy and unhappy monogamous relationship as well as secret relationship or many of those who were happily divorced. My personal process of self-examination and self-development took years. As a result, I became more and more interested in mental coaching.

The best way to face break-up shame is to accept it as part yourself. There is no reason for you to hide from yourself, whether you are in a relationship or single.

Breaking taboos and conquering my fears inspired me to study psychology together with different therapeutic methods for the past few years. Eventually, after persistent study and self-development, I qualified as a hypnotherapist and accredited NLP Trainer. As a culmination of my learning journey into aspects of breaking up, I wrote the book (R)evolution for Love in my dual-capacity of expert by experience and professional mental coach. The book (R)evolution for Love was warmly received by the media and readers.

The book reflects my background as NLP Trainer as well as my long career in business management, which taught me a great deal about empowering decision-making, value-based goals and self-direction. For two years, I dedicated nearly all free hours of the day to writing the book. 

And the more I learnt and the deeper I delved into the topic, the more convinced I became that I’d hit something significant. It is important that all you who are struggling with your relationships, fighting with your spouses for no good reason. My journey into myself taught me that we desperately need a more positive model of thinking whether we want to live in a relationship and to end them.

Self-development never goes to waste

You don’t necessarily know yet what amazing new worlds self-development might open up for you unless you give it a try. I thoroughly enjoyed my journey and admittedly I love exploring and challenging my very darkest, the most restrictive beliefs. I call encountering a particularly difficult thought “hitting the jackpot”: what usually follows is a domino effect of resolving many smaller day-to-day challenges. If you feel that you are running around in circles and stuck with your daily struggles, be in touch! I’d love to share and support you in your journey into yourself! You can find me here or DM me through the (R)evolution for Love Facebook and Instagram accounts pages.

Digging into your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about breaking up stored in your subconscious leads not only to a successful break up or improved relationship. It can also improve your entire quality of life on many fronts. Conscious and constructive self-development is a gift to yourself that keeps of giving.

Breaking up feels shameful is because we see break up as failure 

Some choose not to leave a relationship even if they wanted to because they are too embarrassed and ashamed to do so. More to the point, they are afraid to admit failure. So what are we actually dealing with here: ending a relationship or failure in general? Many are stuck because they believe that “breaking up means failure“. But are there any other angles from which we could approach our life events?

🖤 If you manage to flag the problems in your relationship and permanently fix them together with your partner, you can congratulate yourself for success.

🖤 If you find that you are unhappy in your relationship and don’t understand to either fix it or leave it, that perhaps could be called some kind of failure. At least when it comes to our powers of observation and initiative.

🖤 But if you see the reality and face the truth that your relationship has come to an end, that observation alone is a huge success.

🖤 If you have the insight to admit that there is no point to bang your head against the wall and the best thing is to break up – congratulations!

🖤 If you succeed in creating a mutually satisfying and respectful relationship with your ex afterwards, you can give you and your ex an extra pat on the back.

🖤 And if you can become friends with your ex, you can also congratulate yourselves for making a new friend!

Break-up shame: Why is “failure” so embarrassing?

Breaking up is shameful if you have anchored your value as a human being and your identity to your relationship and your performance in it. The extent of your failures says nothing about your value as a person. If, for some reason, you still want to beat yourself up for your imaginary failures, wouldn’t the first failure be your decision to get together with an unsuitable partner? In that light, wouldn’t leaving a relationship you not happy in a corrective move to be celebrated! That said, if your relationship lived its course and was happy as long as it was, why should it be deemed a failure just because it ended? After all, it may have given your many years of happiness, even your children?

How about thinking that you have taken two major steps in life and succeeded in both of them. You have dared to start a relationship and you had the courage to end it. There are people that never have the nerve to do either? 

How about giving the stage in life that you call “failure” the value it deserves and be thankful to life for the opportunity to learn?

You can also alleviate your sense of shame by putting things into proportion. Remind yourself of all the things you have been ashamed of at some point in life. Think of your childhood, school years, teenage and finally adulthood, all the way up what happened last week at work.

You have probably felt shame for lots of things along the way – but you also survived it. You will be able to leave the shame you feel about breaking up and then be able to accept it and stop thinking about it as this infernal failure.

It is sometimes such a relief to remember that one is not the centre of the world. Just like we don’t expect that all our successes are celebrated by all, nor do we have to fear that anyone is all that interested in our failures.

When breaking up seems scary, don’t be afraid of your own thoughts.

What is the positive book about breaking up and improving your relationship all about? The (R)evolution for Love is not a “divorce guide”. It is a guide for better relationships. Sometimes that can mean breaking up, sometimes staying together and working on your relationship. The key thing is to work on systematic decision-making and improving your quality of life. My book is about arriving at a decision while listening to your values and goals.

The premise of the book may sound scary to those for whom gentle self-analysis and intuitive knowledge seeking is a new thing. This book supports you in strengthening your cognitive and intuitive mental skills. Practicing mental skills will help you in all areas of life, not just in your love life.

The (R)evolution for Love is most of all a tool for self-development and achieving your goals based on your own values. Whether in a better relationship or as happily single. My readers have said that the book gave them necessary new ideas at that moment so that they were able to build a better tomorrow.

The fear of breaking up is a cluster of fears

The reasons behind why we fear breaking up are many, just like the reasons we contemplate breaking-up in the first place. The (R)evolution for Love offers effective tools to untangle this web of reasons. It helps you see more clearly why breaking up is something you think about but are not able to make reach a decision. What is it in you that is stopping you when part of you is attracted by the thought? 

My positive relationship-guide talks about breaking up neutrally and comes with 57 engaging and thought-provoking exercises that will help the reader to analyse their hopes and dreams as well as beliefs and fears.

It is not unusual that our goals and values are unclear to ourselves. Perhaps our values were attacked against at some point or our life experiences made us question them. Life teaches us and our values change as a result. So why shouldn’t your ideas and goals about a relationship and your life in general change?

The (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up, fittingly published on Valentine’s Day, focuses on the difficulty of men and women reaching a decision about their relationship. Is the relationship still worth saving or would it be better to take it to a happy and successful end?

The fear of breaking up: why the best sources of healing are found in the subconscious and unconscious mind

I frequently meet people who after reading my book and blog are curios but nervous to try hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapy is a form of combining deep relaxation with therapeutic methods, such as CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and NLP techniques.

With a new hypnotherapy client, we usually start with talking about what they actually know about hypnosis and its benefits. We also discuss any fears they may have before embarking on the actual therapy. Usually the fears disappear as soon as I point out the several daily situations in which we all are in a hypnoid state.

Many people’s idea of hypnosis is based on entertainment shows where hypnosis is portrayed as some type of magic trick. 

These myths and fears are dispelled during the initial interview of the first hypnotherapy session.

Sometimes people are put off by the word “therapy”. This may be because of the picture painted by Hollywood films about therapy. Some feel that “therapy” implies that the person is not capable of solving their own problems. Is your experience of hypnosis a circus show with a hypnotist mesmerising someone to lose self-control and jump like a rabbit and make a complete fool of themselves? No wonder if you feel a bit nervous about hypnotherapy if you haven’t tried it. Fortunately, more and more people are discovering the benefits of deeply relaxing hypnosis to connect on a deeper level with the knowledge they already have.

If you are willing to give hypnotherapy a try, I also teach self-hypnosis techniques, which are a terrific way of getting grounded and finding balance in the midst of a busy day and bolstering your resources on your own. The values that guide my hypnotherapy practice are Love, Joy, Freedom and Security. Read more about me and book an appointment with me here.

What to do when the fear and shame of breaking up hits?

Tackling taboos about breaking up and divorce is necessary for the sake of love. I hope that every individual could find the courage to build the loving relationship they and their partner need without fear. A better relationship can’t be built of the fearing the loss of relationship. Both partners must have the courage to be themselves without fearing rejection.

Many have said that they found themselves and changed their lives after they broke up from a relationship. I personally share that experience. The major positive transformation in my life started with first contemplating divorce and eventually thriving because of the freedom that followed. Approach your own life with the passion it deserves and make a conscious choice about its direction. I’m convinced that you don’t want to brew in the anxiety of your thoughts surrounding breaking up any longer than you have to. 

What you want is to move in a direction that is right for you. 

It may be building a better relationship with your current partner or going through a brilliant break up.

If you suddenly feel paralysed by fear and shame, nip your negative thoughts in the bud with the methods introduced in this blog post: How managing stress can give you better sex, a better relationship and a better break up

Inspired by the experiences of all the people I interviewed as well as my own, I wonder what the first thought or event is that makes you realise your change process has started? It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind about the direction of your relationship. That you think about divorcing or breaking up does not mean you have to go through with it. And similarly, even if your relationship was supposed to be for life, you are allowed to change your hopes about your future, even with a different partner. Thoughts change as we grow and develop as persons.

What are the ways in which you are allowing yourself to develop and your life to change? Are you aware of all the opportunities waiting for you?

I wish you joy and strength in living a life that looks like you, and which gets better by the day as you learn to open your mind.

Coach Kati Niemi - Mindshifting MOMENTUM Ltd

Motivating You to mindshifting in many ways,

Your Coach Kati Niemi
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer, M.Sc.
[email protected]

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