If you’re reading this, then you’re likely in a relationship that has hit the rocks. You’re spending time apart and now you’re wondering what to do next. His behavior is hurting you. Yet his pleads for ‘just one more chance’ are still ringing in your ears and echoing in your heart.
You are not alone with your thoughts and concerns. One reader of the (R)evolution of Love sent me this question through the free ‘Ask Kati’ online coaching service:
"3.5 months ago I left from my husband and I was sure we will break up for good. The reasons were e.g. mental abuse, excessive controlling, jealousy etc. Now my husband says he has changed totally and he would be different now. I have notice some good signs of it. He doesn't call that often anymore to me and he's not pushing me and asking me to come back to him. He's not asking about other men etc. When I then said that getting back together might be an option, I thought he would say 'Yes' immediately and we would get together again. Instead, he said that let's take some time still and see what happens. So, my question is: should we give one more chance to him and our marriage?"
The Classic: “He says he has changed and promises to do what ever he needs to, so that I would give him still one more chance…”
You’re here looking for answers because—confusingly—his behavior seems to suddenly be improving in efforts to pull you back in. He’s promising the world and yet something inside of you is telling you not to trust his words this time.
You’ve heard it all before and you’re exhausted.
You’re consumed with the stress and pressure of constantly try to explain yourself. You feel it’s painfully unfair that you’ve been made to feel lower in value in your own home. You want the controlling behaviors to stop and yet you have no idea what else to try at this point.
You’re in the right place to work things out from here!
Here are the 10 crucial questions you need to ask yourself before pulling the plug on your challenging marriage or partnership:
1) If I give him one more chance, am I able to be myself?
Relationships are no picnic but they shouldn’t leave us feeling regularly overwhelmed and upset.
Sure, arguments can (and will) happen.
But if you’re consistently compromising yourself for your partner then it might be time to quit.
"I left to have a new chance to live."
2) Would you like to get him back only because it seems as an easy way to avoid your own inner confusion during a break up?
Break ups usually bring up confusion, sorrow, anger, frustration and other “negative” feelings.
However, each feeling is necessary and good in that way.
If you are not willing to listen to your own confusing feelings and you have learnt to hide your inner self even from yourself, it is probably that you miss him only because getting back together would make you feel good quicker – but probably only for a while.
"We broke up and got back together because it was easy. I knew that I could have my ex, and my ordinary family life, back at a snap of my fingers. But if a secure and stable relationship is all you are after, get a dog! It’s a much better alternative than a bad relationship. We got married just because we thought we were supposed to. On the night before the wedding, I felt like a caged animal. I consoled myself by telling myself that I could always get a divorce, if need be. That’s pretty dark. If that’s how you feel, you shouldn’t be getting married."
3) Is he willing to listen?
If your partner is full of excuses and profuse apologies but conversely refuses to open themselves to listen then there’s little you can do to help.
You deserve to be heard and listened to regardless of the issues you might disagree on.
4) Am I liberated to be an individual?
If you feel encouraged by your partner to express yourself freely then the relationship may still have potential. Respect is the cornerstone of any great marriage and it is a non-negotiable.
Coercive tactics are never, ever acceptable.
5) Is jealousy or other bad behaviour going to remain an issue if I gave him one more chance?
Jealousy ultimately breeds unbridled resentment and hurtful toxic behaviors. Left unchecked, it will tear apart even the strongest of couples.
If your spouse is fixated on seeking negatives in this way then it may well be time to discuss moving on from one another. You can read tips from the book (R)evolution for Love and e.g. from many blog posts:
Narcissism in a Relationship: “How to Know if My Partner Is a Narcissist?”
What are the signs and causes of narcissism? Can you make a relationship with a narcissist work? Can you heal a narcissistic partner?
PATHOLOGICAL JEALOUSY – How much jealousy is too much?
Am I too jealous? What is pathological jealousy? What causes jealousy? Narcissism, jealousy and breaking up.
6) What are my deal breakers?
We all have different boundaries to one another. Perhaps cheating is a no-go for you. Or maybe abusive language is where the buck stops.
Before you can decide if you want a break-up to happen you must first reflect upon what your limits are. Learn to know your deeper limits. You will get tips from the book (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up:
“FIVE STARS!” Book reviews: (R)evolution for Love (Amazon Books)
“Five Stars!” Editorial reviews and reader reviews of (R)evolution for Love – A Better Relationship or a Brilliant Break Up? Amazon books
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Audiobook lovers benefit from FREE trial periods of book stores. Enjoy (R)evolution for Love on Amazon Audible, Google Play & other stores
7) Do I allow myself enough time to reflect, or am I hurrying up towards any quick decision?
Before you ask yourself, ”should I give him one more chance” for the millionth time, pause for a moment. Take a deep breath, exhale gently, and allow yourself to reflect.
Check in with your emotions beyond the hurt and confusion you have been facing.
How are you really feeling? What important is your feeling trying to tell you?
8) Self-esteem and self-compassion are crucial before you make the decision whether to give him another chance
You deserve to be in the kind of relationship that helps you feel the best of yourself. You have heard this many times and you know it.
BUT: do you really feel it inside your skin?
Do you really feel that you are worth of a healthy, good, balanced relationship?
Or are you willing to understand other’s bad behaviour against you, because deep down you really don’t feel you’d deserve better? If so, improve your self-esteem and learn to exercise self-compassion in all areas of your life.
That is the route to the clear decision where you know whether you should give your partner still the second chance, or leave him for good – For better life for both of you.
9) What practical things would he change if you gave him one more chance?
Healthy relationships are defined by mutual respect and great communication. Communication will not improve just by saying “I will improve my communication”.
Communication is a deeper thing: Our actions are based on our thoughts and feelings. 95% of them are unconscious, 5% conscious deliberate actions where we focus to “do our best”.
Unconscious thoughts come up as words when we communicate with each other. Even though he would decide to speak nicer to you, that promise may last only when he’s consciously thinking about how he behaves and communicates with you.
No person can behave 100% consciously. Our brains are not designed to work like that. And that’s why we have arguments and apologize later “Sorry, I didn’t mean that”.
Yes, consciously thinking, but how about deep down in your unconscious?
We need our unconscious mind to “speak up” when needed. And those words speak the inner truth automatically, without giving it a second thought, a conscious thought.
It’s not easy to change one’s unconscious thoughts that drive the majority of our actions.
So, ask youself and your partner: what will you commit to do in order to change your communication in practice in the long run?
10) Focus on your self-development
Even if your partner did all the practical changes and develop himself to be the best communicator, you shall do your part to make your relationship a good one. Find a good coach to help you grow further and develop yourself in communicating your own thoughts and feelings, appreciating your own inner needs and following your dreams of a happy love life.
When you feel good in your skin, you will not allow any harmful others to bother you anymore.
Then you will have the good relationship you truly know you deserve and which you can also create from your behalf.
And then you also know whether you should give him one more chance or not.
Share your valuable time exclusively with the person who will truly appreciate the incredible person you are.
Is it him?
Thank you for sending me your story through the free Ask Kati online coaching service.
Trust that you will find the correct answer for you. I wish you all the best!
With Love,
your coach Kati
Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer Coach
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