How to Let Go of Being a Perfectionist in Dating

We grow up with an edited version of what a ‘perfect’ relationship really looks like. Disney movies, rom-coms and social media feeds excessively highlight the ‘ideal’ image of what love will look like. We absorb smiling photos of blissfully happy married couples as we scroll. We watch films where no matter what occurs the lovers end up together in moments of dramatic realization. As a result, we risk turning into perfectionist daters!

How to date when you are a chronic perfectionist?

Away from the digital screens of our televisions and smartphones, the real world looks a little different. First dates aren’t usually seamless – often far from perfect! Nerves can make us say silly things that are uncharacteristic to us. Awkwardness is common for many daters. We desperately try to come across as attractive and relaxed yet on the inside it might be a different story. Despite knowing all this, we can still cut off someone we’re dating when they make a ‘wrong’ move.

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Being a perfectionist is the downfall of many hopeful singles. We believe we are setting our standards high enough that we will surely attract only the right matches. Yet by placing the bar at such an unreachable level we might miss out on some potentially incredible individuals who could become our dream match—if only we could give them the chance they need to prove it.

Can a perfectionist love genuinely?

They say that perfectionist traits may often prevent healthy relationship formation because:

Chronic perfectionists do not settle for “anything”. They are always looking for something better. Is a true “soul mate” the only love you could settle for?
Perfectionists don’t feel confident because they can never feel they themselves are good enough. If you don’t feel confident in dating, how could you find even your “soul mate” assuming s/he is not your colleague?
Perfectionists are used to taking complete control over situations. This will cause problems latest when moving together and having children who may not be that perfect! 🙂

The real question here is—are you missing out on meeting ‘the one’ from being a perfectionist? And how could you let go of perfectionism in dating?

The dangers of being a first date perfectionist.

By hanging too tightly on to fixed ideas of what ‘should’ happen on a date, we risk missing out on experiences and happiness that we might never have expected. Have you been going dating armed with a list of deal breakers? This means you are eternally looking at each prospective partner through an unhelpful lens of scrutiny. Such a critical view can mean that we miss out on great romance in our future.

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Being a perfectionist also implicates being incredibly critical of ourselves. A chronic perfectionist can scrutinize themselves in ways that damage dating confidence. When someone ghosts us, we take it upon ourselves to pick through every detail to find answers. We go over and over text message threads to try and find answers. In reality, moving on is essential along with a sense of hope and lasting self esteem. Try not to be so hard on yourself—you’re a catch, remember?

Perfectionist boundaries or just plain fussiness?

It is important to understand the difference between maintaining strong boundaries and being a perfectionist. Red flags are no-go warning signs. Blatant rudeness, coercive language, sexual pressure and inconsistency are all messages to tell us to move on—fast. We each have our own deal breakers based on our personal ethics and values. Stand by your boundaries without comparison to what your friends choose. You know yourself better than anyone.

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Away from the danger zone of red flags, we can use our intuition as a guide. We can make better decisions when we aren’t being a perfectionist. Your gut can tell you whether someone is right for us or not. The feeling we get when we spend time with someone is key. Our emotional balance after a date can tell us all we need to know. Feeling agitated or insecure? It might be time to move on. If you feel empowered then this is a great sign. Go with it!

Key differences between red and green flags

No matter how long you have been dating someone, you have the freedom to let go whenever you need to. You are not obliged to spend time with someone who makes you unhappy. If your date orders for you without asking, this is a red flag. If the location is chosen as a surprise, this is a positive sign. The first example demonstrates control while the second highlights thoughtfulness.

Here are some more common dating examples to help you know what to look out for:

Red Flag 1

You arrive at the date to find that the person you’re meeting with is flirting with the venue bartender. They shrug off the interaction and ask if you’re ‘the guilty type’ with a sarcastic grin.

Green Flag 1

You arrive at the venue to find your date got there early to secure the best table they have. They have ordered water for the table but waited for you to arrive to ask what you’d like to drink.

Red Flag 2

You let your date know that you would feel more comfortable splitting the bill at the end of the night. They laugh at your request before throwing a pile of cash on to the table to make a point.

Green Flag 2

You express a desire to split the bill evenly at the end of the evening. You let your date know that you’d like to go dutch. They offer to pay once more before politely agreeing to your wishes.

Red Flag 3

You get home and immediately start receiving multiple text messages and missed calls from your date. They want an immediate response from you but you feel uncomfortable with the pressure.

Green Flag 3

When you arrive home you receive a single text from your date. They let you know that they enjoyed your company and hope that you got home safely. The message makes you smile.

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These six examples of dating heaven and hell are very common. You might have experienced variations of each of them yourself. Perhaps a few of them have resonated with you already. We all have our nightmare date stories to share after all, perfectionist or not. What is most important, is that the red flags remain confined to first date anecdotes. These are not the type of partners that you want for a wife or husband!

How fussy is too fussy for a lifelong perfectionist?

You are perfectly entitled to have a picture in your mind of who you’d ideally like to date. We all have a ‘type’ we typically go for. This image is typically created from a mixture of our past experiences and the influences we have around us. Instead of having a perfectionist list of deal breakers, why not try create a positive signal list instead? This could help you from cutting off a great date option too soon from a simple case of short-sightedness.

Don’t get caught up in trying to look for who you think you want rather than finding a person you align with. Start to prioritize personal character traits and intrinsic values rather than hair color and shoe type. Let go of the image you think everyone else would be impressed by. Instead, listen to your own instincts. How does this person make you feel? This question will provide all the information you need to progress in the right direction while avoiding being a perfectionist.

Perfection doesn’t always look how you would expect.

If you ask most happy couples whether they married the person they expected to find, they will likely tell you that they did not. They will share the truth that the person you fall for is rarely the picture of who you imagined you would marry. Millions of people fall for someone they never would have expected. The wrong fit can become the ‘perfect’ match—if only we can open our perfectionist eyes wide enough to see it for ourselves.

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The next time you’re out on a date, leave your perfectionist hat at home. Step into a first meeting with an open mind. If the other person cracks an awkward joke, put it down to nerves and laugh along. Let down those walls enough to let the right person in. You don’t need to step beyond your comfort zone. Instead, you need to allow space for someone to share their worth before you hastily drop them from consideration. Who knows who could be waiting in the wings to sweep you off your feet?

Ready to stop being a chronic perfectionist?

If you want to meet the true love of your life then put down your ‘must have list’ immediately. Let go of perfectionist concepts of the flawless spouse that are likely drawn from friends, family and social media. Drop the movie star image you have in your mind in order to leave room for a wild card to walk in and impress you. Sometimes attraction grows over time. Someone might surprise you with the layers they have that you wouldn’t have time for as a perfectionist.

We are all wonderfully human and none of us can be defined as ‘perfect’ regardless of individual standards. Stop analyzing the minor details in order to look up just long enough to see the broader view of someone. Open the door to dating people you might not usually have chosen. Give people a chance to impress you without examining their every move and sentence on a first date. Ditching the perfectionist habit could be the best choice you’ll ever make!