Do hookups lead to relationships? Sorry to say but… usually no. If you are tired of hook ups and you want to know how to turn a hook up into a good and meaningful long-term relationship, read these good tips!
And of course, hooking up has also many benefits, but in the long run you may get frustrated.
“I hate game players to whom you open your heart only to notice after weeks of dating that you are just one of many. It hurts but best to leave it behind and move on and find a person who meets me halfway and dares open themselves up as a real person to me.”
What does a hookup look like? Let’s face it.
Another hopeful swipe on an attractive face that momentarily intrigues you.
Another unashamedly flirtatious message trail that feels nothing less than hard work.
And another awkward meet up with a stranger as you both feign interest in a second date. Yet you both know that it’s destined to be a one hit wonder this time around.
The first date leads from one nervous drink to another and suddenly it all doesn’t quite feel so strained any longer. You kind of like your date at this point and so you follow their lead.
Then, back to their place for what you both know is a hook up. Where’s the harm, right?
Cue some baseless (and frankly unsatisfying) hook up action as you both grab the chance of some instant passion with blurred acceptance.
As you gather last night’s belongings and head for the safety of home, you wonder to yourself how to break the cycle. Surely there’s more to your love life than short-lived hook ups?
You smooth over the facts of your hook-up habits to interested friends, making out you’re cool with your casual romantic approach.
Yet deep down, you want more.
Much more.
But do hook ups lead to relationships? Ever?
“I have worked so hard on myself that I’m never going to sell myself short again.”
You are reading this article for a reason. You’re looking for the answers to what seems like an impossible problem. Yet there are some incredibly easy ways to change things up—and fast!
To get yourself out of the modern dating tangle of one-timers and app-driven hook up culture, here are some healthy habits to familiarize yourself with!
It’s no news that men and women differ in what they want from their hookups.
According to a scientific psychological study, 63% of young men said that the ideal outcome of their most recent hookup is to have her as a fuck buddy and have continued sexual involvement with her. In contrast, only 11% of young women said that. Instead, 60% of young women were hoping for a romantic relationship with their recent sex partner.
And in general, 65% of young women said they were looking for more romantic involvement. That was almost twice as much as what men thought: 35% of young men ideally wanted their hookups (in general) to lead to something more than sex.
One man that I interviewed for my book said:
“I have only one thing to say to those men who date several women at once as a kind of safety net and can’t choose: in that case, none of the women is worth your time!”
Hooking up after divorce or a break up
Also middle-aged men, who have just divorced, usually want to feel young again, and they act like those young men: they prefer only casual sex. But usually only for a couple of years or so. If you are dating a middle-aged man who has just divorced, consider if that guy is the perfect one for you at that point of your life. 🙂
The same goes with women who have just broken up with their previous partner. Middle-aged women may look for younger men as hook ups, and sometimes this combination is a good one at least for a while.
“I must admit it was quite refreshing when my younger date praised me to his mates, ‘A stunning cougar, and a hell of lot of fun, too!’ Why would I not believe in a new relationship when I know I can find a compatible partner in someone who is ten years younger or ten years older than me?”
Are hookups more advantageous for men than for women?
It’s in our evolution: the biology makes men want to have as many kids as possible whereas women want only a few to raise up. 🙂 So, in terms of reproduction, casual sex is often what men want. Men appreciate one-time encounters and they do not expect anything further.
Due to this long biological history, our societies have also a history of sexual double-standards. Men are praised for prizing casual sex over emotional intimacy, but women should not value sexual pleasure that much and they should be shamed for having multiple partners.
Times change, but still these basic trends are there. Especially when men are still young and they don’t want to have the marriage the young woman is hoping for.
Even though both can enjoy casual sex a lot, especially women want further contact with their sex partner.
Men can meet up with their hook ups multiple times only for sex, but things get complicated when women start expecting more romance and intimacy. Modern women may enjoy their friends with benefits, too, but often they still hope that they could have long-term romantic relationship one day.
Naturally, good casual sex gives both men and women pleasure by activating the biological pleasure pathways in the brain. Hookups give you dopamine which gets you high for a moment. Hooking up is exciting and the modern dating culture is ‘like a box of chocolates’ where you want to taste them all.
You may even get used to managing your stress or mild depression and anxiety by having multiple partners. You keep yourself busy so that you don’t need to face your deeper inner issues.
Like the fact that you would like to find ‘The One’ in your life.
Tired of Hook ups? 7 easy ways to send the right message on a first date!
Luckily there is a chance for those young women (or men) who want a real, romantic relationship. After all, most long-term relationships begin as hookups. If you want a long-term emotional relationships, you can also find a person who is hoping for it, too.
Here you find some good tips!
Tip #1: Remove the societally driven pressure of time.
Soppy movies and picture-perfect social media stories lead us to believe that there is an ideal timeframe within which we need to get our ducks in a row. From childhood onwards we are pressured to find ‘the one’ as fast as possible without consideration of what our individual goals and dreams are.
This often pushes us into choosing the wrong person.
Ditch the pressure and focus instead on what is right for you. You’ll be amazed at how much easier it will be to avoid those guilty hook ups.
Tip #2: Let go of the self-deprecating comedy lines.
Your dating life and your future ambitions are not a skit. So quit making yourself the butt of every joke with your friends over brunch each Saturday. We run ourselves down to conceal our vulnerabilities but it’s an incredibly unhelpful habit.
Stop complaining about your horrendous ‘bad luck’ and start speaking about yourself in the way you would want to be spoken about by those who love you.
When you expect more from life, you will find that life serves up a much better deal all round.
And your own language reveals a lot. The words we speak to others and to ourselves in our heads impact the way we see our challenges and opportunities in life. Read some tips in my free ebook you can download easily now.
Tip #3: To avoid hook ups, give yourself space to think on first dates.
Alcohol and the heat of the moment can lead us to make all kinds of decisions that we might not otherwise make — including regrettable hook ups!
Give yourself the golden opportunity of a pit stop during a first date. Head to the restroom and enjoy a clear minded think about whether you want to pursue something further with the person you are with.
Do you feel like you’re being yourself?
Are they bringing out the best in you?
Your intuition has all the answers you need. Learn to trust your intuition. Read some more tips e.g. in my book the (R)evolution for Love.
Tip #4: If you are tired of hook ups, voice your boundaries.
You do not owe a first date anything whatsoever.
You do not need to ‘make it worth their while’ and you also have zero obligation to spend the night with them unless you want to. No matter how far the other person has travelled, or what efforts they have made during the date itself, you are free to never seem them again if you do not wish to.
You can enjoy someone’s company without needing to impress them with a night of passion before you’re truly ready.
Take your time and enjoy the tantalizing experience of slowing down the pace. Follow those instincts you’re working on and answer to their call.
You will find yourself with far greater relationship prospects and far less hook ups as a result.
Tip #5: Work out who you really want in your life.
Journeys tend to go a lot more smoothly when there is a clear plan in place and a good map in hand. Instead of blindly running into the arms of the next person who takes your interest, take some quality time to consider what you would really like to order from the dating menu next time around.
Who would suit the future you are building for yourself?
What kind of person would get on well with the friends you’ve made in the spot you currently live?
Asking yourself these simple questions could open up a whole new realm of potential first date matches.
“At the beginning, I dated sporty men with ripped bodies and full head of hair. Anyone balding and going grey or anyone too stocky or too lanky were immediately swiped left. Fortunately, chance stepped in and taught me a couple of valuable lessons: a guy who was wearing a cap in the profile picture proved bald but absolutely gorgeous. After that relationship ended, I met someone who had gone grey really early but was otherwise youthful and full of energy. One of the guys had put on some weight after his pics had been taken, but he was still incredibly handsome and, more importantly, interesting as a person. I quite liked a really thin guy, too. I’m glad that I was forced to let go of my superficial criteria, because now my chances of meeting lovely men are much better! I was slowly learning to love the person inside and not the looks.”
Tip #6: You really do need to love yourself before you can allow another person to do the same.
Although it might sound cliché, learn to love yourself first. The more you love the person you are, the more ready you will feel to let another person into your world.
Not only that, but you will have a much clearer idea of who is right (and wrong) for you.
When you admire the person you are it inevitably leads to a much higher quality of standard.
Know yourself and appreciate your own needs.
“I have noticed that I get along better with women who are older than me, who accept themselves as they are and know what they want. It was such a relief to be with a mature woman who had had her children and not have to try and meet the exacting standards of younger women running against their biological clock and looking for a father for their unborn children.”
Tip #7: If you want more than hooking up, double-check what you are really looking for.
The statistics above were about young men and women. When you are young, you don’t know yourself and your needs as well as when you are older.
When you have had enough of casual sex only, most probably you will start wanting some more than that at some stage in your life. You don’t need to, but usually that’s what happens to all of us. Both women and men.
If you want a long-term relationship with a lovely partner, consider what really matters to you. Is it the age? Is it the looks? Do you feel young only if you have a young, fit partner by your side?
“It is flattering when my younger date thinks I look 5–10 younger than I actually am. I don’t care if they are just being polite! You look young if you enjoy life – that’s the truth!”
Consider if you can have a partner that is 10 years older than you. Or someone who is perhaps not as fit as you’d prefer. A man who’s having thin hair already and perhaps a daddy belly. If you are sick of hooking up, think what really matters to you now.
Raise the ‘first date’ bar, ditch those hooks ups, and reap the rewards before you know it!
Don’t forget to enjoy the process of embracing first dates for what they are; simply a wonderful series of fresh opportunities to get to know a new person a little better.
No hurry, no rush, no hook ups, no disappointment.
Not sure you’re into them? That’s fine! Gently let go and healthily move on. Even the worst first dates make great anecdotes! All those dating dead ends are only guiding you further towards the right partner for you, after all.
Enjoy the journey!
With Love,
your coach Kati
Clinical hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer
[email protected]
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